Why You Should Probably Never Talk to Me, Ever.
 A Compliation of Internet Conversations by Kevin O'Neill et al.
 Contact me against my warnings at Angel.of.Bacon@gmail.com or BaconAngel on AIM

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Update: 9-9-2009

[On the Creation of Weapons]
ND: I once tried to make a catapult out of jenga blocks, scotch tape, and some rubber bands
ND: that was a pretty ridiculous-looking failure
BaconAngel: you need a longer uh
BaconAngel: whatzit
BaconAngel: for a catapult!
BaconAngel: you know what I'm taling about
ND: counterweight?
ND: e-penis?
BaconAngel: no no, the thing that isn't a fulcrum
BaconAngel: plank
ND: haha yes, mostly that
ND: also scotch tape was horribly insufficient
BaconAngel: the thing that moves and goes BWANGAGAGA after you fire it
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: (engineering lingo, don't feel bad if you can't keep up)
ND: every time I see a catapult from now on I want to hear that noise
ND: only, not a noise
ND: but some guy doing a voice over
BaconAngel: well, most of the catapults I've tried to made that's the only noise I ever got to hear, so it's not too far off
BaconAngel: AND WHEN IT'S DONE IT'LL GO BWANAGAGAGA AND HIT MRS.ALBERTSON RIGHT IN THE KNEE

[On Yo Mama]
BaconAngel: what, you can't manage a science themed-yo mama joke?
ND: it would be difficult mixing the upper and lower brows, I imagine
BaconAngel: such as "Yo Mama so fat that she tried to order a Large Hadron Collider from a sex catalogue!"
ND: yoyo, if yo mama was on the periodic table, she's be a HEAVY METL
ND: AL
ND: yo mama's so fat, she fall off the periodic table
ND: fell*
ND: yo mama....is....
ND: morbidly obese and somebody should probably have a discussion with her about her health
BaconAngel: Yo Mama's so fat the hubble mistook her mouth for a black hole
BaconAngel: god, I said science, not responsiblty!

ND: yo mama's so fat that when she dies she'll collapse in on herself and become a black hole
ND: but not before consuming the earth
BaconAngel: Yo mama's so fat she asked Saturn where it got its belt
ND: yo mama's so fat that they thought she was a planet
ND: then they got a better telescope
ND: and now pluto doesn't exist anyMORROOh god these suck
ND: give me a minute
ND: I'm being ridiculous
ND: but I can come up with something good
BaconAngel: they're funny, but only if I imagine you as Steven Wright

[On Scientific Principles]
ND: science is so rad.
ND: I may marry it
BaconAngel: If I started wearing some nerd glasses would that turn you on
ND: oh man
ND: oh man
BaconAngel: maybe a lab coat and some neoprene chemical-resistant gloves?
ND: are they thick black frames
ND: or like
ND: more 50's glasses
BaconAngel: taped at the brim, baby
ND: oh god oh god
ND: what else
BaconAngel: have I ever told you
BaconAngel: that I don't think my shirt pockets are manufactured with adequate protection
ND: YOU'RE MY HEEEEEROOOO
BaconAngel: I think I may need to protect my pockets
BaconAngel: with some kind of...pocket protector
ND: OOOOOH GOD
ND: no way
BaconAngel: and my rule? it slides
ND: I'm speechless
ND: you free on Friday?
ND: I might be able to get the keys to the lab
ND: ;)
BaconAngel: baby I am free on most nights, except on tuesday when I go fly radio-controlled helicopters
ND: do you assemble them yourself
BaconAngel: do you even have to ask?
BaconAngel: the one I've got going now-
BaconAngel: "Bird of Prey 2"
ND: I bet you say this to ALL the socially inept nerd girls.
BaconAngel: -has a green laser on it that I think is pretty keen
ND: gee whiz!
BaconAngel: you're not like all those other girls, you seem like a girl that knows the difference between a Ti-84 and a Ti-89

[On Research Funding]
BaconAngel: hey, we have worked out a system for magnetic leviation with our pea-sized, non-scientist brains!
BaconAngel: that's gotta count for something
ND: this, this is true.
ND: a worthwhile endeavor!
BaconAngel: I just didn't help you produce anything relevant to anything
BaconAngel: but that isn't what pure science is all about! we need government funding!
ND: I will write a letter to the president
ND: "I need to build a spaceship that floats"
BaconAngel: you should write a form letter to all presidents so you get more chance for responses
BaconAngel: "To Which President It May Concern:"
ND: I think this is the plan of action I will have to take
BaconAngel: "I urge you, Dear Sir or Madam, to dream of a future that is awesome."
BaconAngel: "And then ask yourself, is denying the world of tomorrow a future of pure, unadulterated awesome worth saving a measley million bajillion dollars (or best offer)?"
ND: "please enclose your payment with the bottom half of this document"

[On Life]
ND: 4:20 OLOL
ND: oh jesus man
ND: sleep
BaconAngel: sorry if I am destroying your life
ND: IT IS DESTROYED
BaconAngel: sorry I'll buy you a new one
BaconAngel: (not really)
ND: :(
BaconAngel: you knew what you were getting into when you started talking about magnets
ND: shit.
ND: can I get some life credits then
BaconAngel: if you come here in person I will buy you one, and only one, box of Life cereal.

[On Puns]
ND: nah this is the knew "oh this must be his website!"
ND: oh christ
ND: *NEW*
ND: when I start adding a K to "new" I think it's time for me to head off to bed haha
BaconAngel: at least it wasn't "gnu"
ND: I may've impressed myself with that
ND: if that "slipped out" by accident
ND: "hey man, that's coup."
BaconAngel: .......
ND: coo'
ND: cool
ND: coup?
ND: coup = coo
ND: ?
BaconAngel: how am I supposed to applaud when one of my hands is facepalmed like this

[On Psychological Evaluation]
BaconAngel: I think dudes that unironically use a :3 emoticon are kind of fucked up
BaconAngel: this is my litmus test for mental health in human males

[On First Impressions]
BaconAngel: DRIVE BY INTRODUCTION
ND: that's the best description for it, yeah
BaconAngel: I'm going to try that on people I don't know
BaconAngel: walking down the sidewalk
BaconAngel: make eye contact with a person walking the oppostie way
BaconAngel: look of recongnition
BaconAngel: "Hey, I know you!"
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: keep walking past, don't break stride, say nothing further

[On Catching Up]
ND: and holy shit my heart just jumped out of my chest, a guy from my past I haven't spoken to in 2 years (for good reason) just IM'd me
ND: oh godd oh god
ND: FUUUUCK ADRENALINE
BaconAngel: tell him you've become a volcano worshiper
BaconAngel: and that you kill all your own meat with your handmade bow and arrow, lovingly crafted out of femurs

ND: I don't know if you read the post I made awhile back about a "shitty experience" I had
ND: but...this is the guy I was mentinoing
BaconAngel: is he some kind of 65 megaton intercontinental nuclear douche?

[On Emotionally Inert Well-Wishing]
BaconAngel: you could try consoling him by sending him a cake that says, "CHEER UP" on it, but the inside of the cake is something good for you but not cake good tasting like tofu
BaconAngel: a postive message coupled with something that makes him look elsewhere for sympathy
BaconAngel: maybe tofu's not good enough
BaconAngel: uncooked ramen cube of noodles
BaconAngel: or like a card
BaconAngel: but it's like an old card you had lying around for some other occassion
BaconAngel: so it shows up and you've crossed out the "HAPPY 8th BIRTHDAY NEPHEW" on the front with magic marker
ND: "Congratulations, grandchild!"
BaconAngel: exactly
ND: one of my friends gives cards like that to everybody for their birthdays and stuff hahaha
ND: it's pretty hilarious
BaconAngel: "I wish you well but not enough to spend more money that what a stamp costs in order to tell you as such"
ND: One year I wrapped my friends' presents (for Christmas) in FAFSA applications
BaconAngel: hahaha
BaconAngel: ok this may move into dick territory, but you could send him random old stuff that you were going to throw away anyway and pretend it's meaningful
BaconAngel: "I thought you should have this old receiept from that time we went shopping and I bought those shoes which I later exchanged because they were too small."
BaconAngel: "I know it meant a lot to you"

[On Size]
ND: apparently I'm average
ND: but 5'4" always seemed a bit short to me :P
ND: I think another three inches would've been ideal! I guess it's beneficial though in some cases. My car is super tiny, and I fit on most beds without a problem.....actually, I can't imagine being a 6' tall guy and trying to sleep on a lot of beds
BaconAngel: look, 6 feet tall is not so large that you'd require even 2 beds to sleep on, much less a lot of beds

[On Fields of Study]
ND: EQUESTRIAN STUDIES
BaconAngel: that does not strike me as
BaconAngel: what's the word
BaconAngel: "real"
ND: hahahaha
ND: it exists as a minor
BaconAngel: you're making it up
ND: somebody donated a huge amount of cash to SCAD at some point in the past, and I guess said that they could only use this money for a minor in equestrian studies or something
BaconAngel: do they offer classes in polo and falconing as well
BaconAngel: what
BaconAngel: god crazy people with money really do make the world go round
ND: they apparently have fucking FENCING, but I've never heard of anybody who actually did fencing here for a sport...or....anything actually
BaconAngel: fencing as a degree?
ND: (Link: http://www.scad.edu/savannah/visit/tour/adm_equestrian.cfm)http://www.scad.edu/savannah/visit/tour/adm_equestrian.cfm
BaconAngel: or a club
ND: no haha as a "sport"...they've got tennis and cheerleading and football and all that
BaconAngel: what the fuck
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: fencing as a sport ok lots of places have that
BaconAngel: but...a minor??
BaconAngel: in...horses??
ND: hahaha
ND: EQST 110
Fundamentals of Horse Care
EQST 120
Principles of Equine Anatomy
EQST 130
Equine Business Management
EQST 210
Contracts and Equine Law/Liability
EQST 220
Barn Construction, Design and Facility Layout
EQST 310
Footing for the Performance Horse
EQST 410
Course Design
ND: I think I've laughed before reading that
ND: like I did just now
ND: again
BaconAngel: well I guess if you want to blow upwards of $100000 to learn about how to run a stable, SCAD is your best and probably only choice
BaconAngel: I would think most people that run stables either inherited them from other people that run stables or started out wiping up horseshit and worked their way up
BaconAngel: it doesn't seem like you'd need a horse-specific degree
ND: hahaha...I remember reading somewhere that you can bring your own horse to SCAD and keep it there for a fee (probbaly insane) to have the feed paid for and the horse taken care of and such
BaconAngel: what the
BaconAngel: that is what I would call
BaconAngel: an abnormal back-to-school item
BaconAngel: "let's see, I got the fridge, microwave, a new bookbag...what am I missing?"
BaconAngel: "Ah yes, a 900 pound extremely heavy maitenence animal, almost forgot."

[On E-Business]
ND: I think the only way to sell books of material that's already been published online is to add stuff nobody's seen before
BaconAngel: but I won't know if the new stuff is worth it unless I see it first!
BaconAngel: on...the internet!
ND: is it a good testing ground.
BaconAngel: catch 22!
ND: you could...clone yourself, have him check it out, approve it
ND: and then secretly kill him off?
ND: it would be
ND: AN INSIDE JOB.
BaconAngel: the porno version of that story could have the same title, really

[On Sexism]
BaconAngel: I think he may have issues with women
BaconAngel: specfically, issues of hustler

[On Nerds]
BaconAngel: you read slashdot?
ND: actually, I don't, but I've seen that article, or one that described that too
BaconAngel: ah damn. If you'd have said yes, I was going to say either, "Marry me", or "I no longer believe you're a woman."
BaconAngel: possibly both

[On Fashion]
ND: Maybe I should wear a suit with shoulderpads when I ask my professors to give me harder assignments
ND: that must be what I've been missing
BaconAngel: what, like Murphy Brown or like
BaconAngel: a fullback
BaconAngel: because either one would be hilarious
ND: honestly I don't know enough about them to know what the difference between the two is hahaha
ND: also they're hideous
BaconAngel: haha
BaconAngel: the one suit coat I own has non-removeable shoulderpads in it makes me look and feel like an idiot
ND: I mean, they'd looked huge on meeither way
ND: tiny lady!
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: CHECK OUT MY UNNATURALLY POINTY SHOULDERS
ND: that is a hilarious image
BaconAngel: it seems kind of stupid, and if they're going to go that far, why stop there
ND: I wonder if they'll totally die out in wimmin's clothing...probably not men's....you're suppoed to be super angular, m i rite?
BaconAngel: why can't I buy a shirt with some foam beefy pecs and abs on it
BaconAngel: well there's a reason they call it dressing sharp

[On Sports Medicine]
BaconAngel: I'd like to take up parkour someday, too bad my knee is a piece of crap
BaconAngel: because of...trying to fantasize I could do parkour someday
ND: I thought about taking up parkour, and then I remembered that my body isn't built for that, and I have a lady face that can't be broken or else I'd think nobody would ever love me, or a drawing hand that I need to insure for 20 billion dollars
BaconAngel: ps: don't, uh, try to do parkour without some instruction
BaconAngel: nah, you should get a wicked face scar and wear an eyepatch
ND: haha I wouldn't dare....I wouldn't even dare trying to do basic stuff before going through a lot of physical training
BaconAngel: HOT
ND: HOTTEST LADY EVAR
BaconAngel: there's a skinny bald guy in my apartment building with an eye patch, and even though he's only like 30 I can't help wondering if he's a nazi war criminal
BaconAngel: that is probably a poor thing to think
BaconAngel: hell if I had an eye out I'd wear an eyepatch too
BaconAngel: and be all like BAD ASS
ND: that's another thing...I need to protect my eyeballs
ND: blindness would almost be worse than death
ND: !
BaconAngel: obviously you should wear a full welding mask and steel gauntlet at all times to protect your valuable bits
ND: indeed indeed
BaconAngel: legs though, screw those
BaconAngel: you can always get a professor x floating wheelchair so fuck it

[On Dressing For the Occasion]
BaconAngel: I need to start dressing sluttier, turns out 4 days worth of my normal clothes is a hell of a lot of material to cram into a bag
ND: hahahaha
ND: yes, well, good luck with that?
ND: dress more...."flamboyantly?" cut off denim shorts! Cropped sheer shirts!
ND: problem solved
BaconAngel: well I figure I can either go without a long-sleeve shirt to go over my t-shirt
BaconAngel: or not have a t-shirt on while I wear the long sleeve, but as I usually leave the long sleeve open...
BaconAngel: well
BaconAngel: I don't have enough abs for that look
ND: you only have three?
BaconAngel: three...what
ND: abs
BaconAngel: ?
ND: (olol)
BaconAngel: haha
BaconAngel: I think anyone unfamiliar with human physiology would conclude I have one ab
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: and a mighty ab it is

[On Snacks]
BaconAngel: hey, I didn't actually look like that in the 80's
BaconAngel: (because I was 7)
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: that would be freaky as hell if 7 year olds looked like that in the 80's
BaconAngel:
BaconAngel: WANT PART OF MY FROOT ROLL-UP
BaconAngel: IT'S IT'S STRAWBERRY
ND: oh man I LOVED THOSE THINGS
BaconAngel: they were indeed fantastic, but looking back on them now it's sorta
BaconAngel: 'wow that's probably gross'
ND: hahaha yeah....although I've found some delicious stuff called fruit leather, which is guess is like the "grown-up healthy-ish" version
ND: the stuff is ambrosia
BaconAngel: I want to see someone try to make an Organic Fruit (not Froot) Roll-up
BaconAngel: what
ND: YES it basically exists
BaconAngel: dammit my joke idea exists in the REAL WORLD
BaconAngel: WHAT
ND: hahahaha
ND: it is sooo gooooood
BaconAngel: but on the other hand
BaconAngel: Fruit Leather does basically sound like a gay club

[On Decisions]
BaconAngel: if I saw a restaurant with an item called Pulled Pork Slop I'd order it just to applaud their ballsiness

[On The Future]
BaconAngel: thank god we've moved on from such exploitative clothing onto more liberating styles like fishnets and hotpants
ND: Auto-reply: Around...
ND: I've wondered what clothing is going to look like in 20 or 30 years
ND: especially for the ladies....cuz good grief there are some scary looking high schoolers
BaconAngel: it's going to be all scuba gear, what with global warming
ND: SEXXAY
ND: actually, that may be beyond what people currently wear, yeah
ND: like full body suits of spandex
BaconAngel: I bet there's going to be a lot of gaudy shit after the next 10 years
BaconAngel: because some asshole
ND: augh
BaconAngel: is going to invent a fabric that can change pattern/color with an electric current running through it
BaconAngel: and every jackass "TWEEN" out there is going to have to get a bunch of them
ND: Auto-reply: Around...
ND: you know they've got color changing shirts, right?
BaconAngel: just like those stupid sneakers with the lights on them
BaconAngel: but do they look like a Las Vegas marquee yet
ND: hmm
BaconAngel: because that's what I'm imagining
ND: no, I'll give you that
BaconAngel: total vegas flashing lights and seizure colors

[On Efficiency]
ND: I don't know why, but those peanut butter and jelly jars always grossed me out
BaconAngel: I bet that's the sort of thing extreme OCD patients have nightmares about
BaconAngel: next logical step:
BaconAngel: jar full of sandwiches
ND: hahahaha aaaaaugh
BaconAngel: I mean, that's how it's going to end up eventually
ND: that is super gross
BaconAngel: if you're doing anything other than making PB&Js with peanut butter or jelly, the 1:1 Peanut Butter to Jelly ratio of the combined jar is not going to work out in the end
BaconAngel: simple math
BaconAngel: therefore, whoever buys those jars
BaconAngel: is only using them for that one thing
BaconAngel: and
BaconAngel: they don't have time to dick around with two whole jars
BaconAngel: how can they be expected to deal with a loaf of bread on top of everything else going on in their life!?

[On Fruit]
BaconAngel: I could probably eat dried mango as a meal everyday if it weren't so expensive
ND: see man? dried fruit.
ND: ever-tasty
BaconAngel: there are some dried fruit I can't eat everyday though
BaconAngel: like pineapple
BaconAngel: or pears
BaconAngel: but the pears is just because they have the same look and texture as a scrotum when dried

[On Image]
ND: initially I was like "I wonder if it got lonely, if I would get another dog".....then I had a mental image of myself walking through a park or something with a german shepherd on each side of this 5' 4" ......goddamn, if guys are intimidated by me now, that would pretty much cancel out all my chances
ND: "Hi, my name's ND, and my dogs are here to kill you"
BaconAngel: hahhaa
BaconAngel: guys are intimidated by you? what do you do, walk around with a sniper rifle on your back?
ND: I don't know, that's what I've been told!
BaconAngel: do you swear like a sailor? chew tabacco?
BaconAngel: wear army surplus clothing?
ND: I asked three of my guys friends (two of whom are the roommates) last year during a complain-o-rant about lack-of-dudes "I mean, what, am I INTIMIDATING or something?" and they all said "YES" at the same time
BaconAngel: well maybe you shouldn't have pressed them all against the wall with your halbeard while you asked

[On Homosexual Presidents]
BaconAngel: being Martin Van Buren can hurt your chances with the dudes

[On Terror]
BaconAngel: you know what's really embarassing
BaconAngel: singing in the shower and having your neighbor knock on your door and chastize you for being too loud
ND: hahahahaha oh nooooo
ND: man you must be really loud or have thing walls or somethin'!
ND: thin*
ND: I am typing HELLA typos all up in this
BaconAngel: it's just that the ventilation in my bathroom made a good sound conductor to the people directly above me
BaconAngel: AH! OH NO
BaconAngel: NOT THING WALLS
BaconAngel: GOOD GOD THEY ARE ALL AROUND ME
ND: that sounds like some horror flick from the 50's
ND: THE THING WALLS
BaconAngel: it looks like someone made a typo for their script for "The Thing Wails" and were just like screw it
BaconAngel: I'll just make it about walls then
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: now The Thing Wails
BaconAngel: awesome title for a horror rock-opera

[On Juvinile Crime]
BaconAngel: I think you're just sneaking out in the middle of the night to smoke cigarettes and knock over mailboxes with your delinquent motorcycle friends
ND: D:
ND: you've figured me out!
ND: AND the mystery of my manly cigarette voice!
BaconAngel: people are going to be intimidated by your habit of lighting matches with your chin stubble
ND: well they can PISS OFF! *flips off her grandma*......*gets on a motorcycle, pops a wheelie and rides off into the night*
BaconAngel: the rollerskate girls down at the A&W don't like it when you slap their behinds like that, ND
BaconAngel: why can't you get a responsible job like all those nice girls who work down at the lumberyard
ND: PFFT. They like it. Bitches, man! Just bitches.
BaconAngel: WASH OUT THAT MOUTH YOUNG WOMAN
ND: YOU'RE NOT MY DAD
ND: *runs up to room, slams door*
BaconAngel: I'm NOT?!
BaconAngel: why have I been paying for all your shit then!?

[On Being a Playa]
BaconAngel: I AM ASHAMED AND AROUSED BY YOUR DEFORMITIES
ND: FYI, all the ladies? They're over here
ND: so
BaconAngel: sweet
BaconAngel: can
BaconAngel: can I come over there
BaconAngel: by the ladies
BaconAngel: (all the ladies)
ND: I mean
ND: if you're MANLY enough
ND: but I dunno
BaconAngel: I am almost as manly as a dog
ND: oh snap
ND: you lie
ND: that is too manly
ND: you might die from the ensuing stampede of women if you are truly that manly
ND: and you know, I wouldn't want you to get hurt or anything
BaconAngel: I shall gently herd the ladies into a field as my breed insttincts dictate
ND: hahahahaha
ND: oh snap
ND: you one of those rastafarian dogs?
BaconAngel: well I do have long hair
ND: all shaggy and down with herding women
BaconAngel: that is perhaps the most accurate description of myself that I have ever heard
ND: lololol
BaconAngel: I may have to immortalize the phrase upon a t-shirt
ND: smooth baritone all, "into the pen, now"
ND: "there's a good girl"
BaconAngel: that's both hot AND responsible
BaconAngel: just the way I like it
ND: how could any of us resist!? You leave ladies no choice!
BaconAngel: it's just a matter of knowing what the ladies want
BaconAngel: and ladies want
BaconAngel: alfalfa
ND: oooooooh my god
ND: don't
ND: don't even mention the word
ND: I won't be able to control myself
ND: I'll be all over that alfalfa
BaconAngel: I know you go wild for that particular perennial legume
ND: so suave! so dreamy!
BaconAngel: intoxicating, isn't it
ND: like a drug.
BaconAngel: (this is one of those conversations I am sorta glad I'm not having in real life)
ND: lolol
BaconAngel: (because there would be odd stares aplenty)
ND: I would also probably be laughing too hard to uphold my half of the conversation anyway
ND: it would never work!
ND: I don't have a very good poker/sheep expression
BaconAngel: (plus depending on how good an actor you are I'd probably spend the next few hours scouring the area for places that sell farm feed in response)
ND: hahahaha

[On Goodbyes]
BaconAngel: and I need to be letting you go to bed don't I
ND: yeah you realize this NOW!?11!?1oneone
BaconAngel: well
BaconAngel: you keep talking!
ND: I...
ND: >: (
BaconAngel: and then I keep responding!
ND: CATCH 22
ND: WUT DO WE DO
BaconAngel: damn conversation! SOMEONE STOP THIS CRAZY THING
ND: I CAN'T CONTROL 'ER, CAPTAIN!
BaconAngel: obviously one of us needs to start farting loudly until the other walks away in disgust
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: that is how I end most of my conversations

[On Touch]
BaconAngel: I think like you just need to have like a hunky massuese follow you around all day and force some endorphins up your spine every half hour or so
ND: SERIOUS
ND: LY.
ND: also it would be nice to *get* a massage instead of always giving them, hahaha.....ever since I watched somebody give a hand/arm massage in the 8th grade, it's been downhill from there haha
ND: though it's pretty satisfying telling people, "okay, now open and close both of your hands. Which one feels better?" and seeing people react and then ask me to do the other hand heehee
BaconAngel: (I don't actually know how massages work...what's a hand massage?")
ND: and knowing the muscle groups and the "directions" the muscle fiber follows is useful knowledge, too! Beneficial 2ndary use out of figure drawing class! Who knew?
BaconAngel: I thought it was all you know
BaconAngel: HERE IS YOUR BACK
BaconAngel: TIME TO PULVERIZE
BaconAngel: or
ND: hand massage (it's not dirty, I swear!) is pretty just just massaging the different muscles in the hand...pushing the fingers back gently, rolling the wrist around gently....pretty much "stretching" things, there
BaconAngel: "I don't know what I'm doing but I'm a sexy woman touching your gross backhair-covered back muscles and that is well worth whatever fucking money I'm going to charge you"
ND: hahaha
ND: uuuuugh yeah being a professional masseuse could get pretty gross pretty quickly
ND: also: dentist
ND: gross job!
BaconAngel: any job which involves touching strangers is going to be potentially gross
BaconAngel: except maybe like
BaconAngel: 'guy who shakes hands of beauty contestants'
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: but even then you've got the gross anorexic girls with the ribs and real bony hands D:
ND: ahh, this is true.
ND: shaking hands with somebody who's really skinny is weird...I feel like I'd crush them! Which is silly, because I have hardly any grip strength at all!
BaconAngel: or shaking hands with old ladies
BaconAngel: something about that
BaconAngel: and maybe this speaks poorly about me
BaconAngel: creeps me the hell out
BaconAngel: it's like
BaconAngel: I CAN FEEL YOUR BONES
BaconAngel: through your Kleenex-like skin!
BaconAngel:
ND: hahaha no I know exactly what you mean!
BaconAngel: ok good so I'm not crazy
BaconAngel: or at least I'm not any more crazy than you when it comes to this specific subject

[On Fisticuffs]
BaconAngel: excuse my skepticism, but I may have to wrastle you at some point to confirm your purported wrasslin' skills
ND: you will probably beat me hahaha
ND: I am probably giving you an entirely wrong impression of my wrasslin skillz
ND: I guess I would say that in a wrestlin' match with a lady, I'd feel pretty confident
BaconAngel: nah, I'll probably be like the large uncooth barbarian who is like WHO IS THIS ANT I SHALL CRUSH LIKE INSECT and then you'll kick me in the nads and step over my lifeless corpse
ND: I could kick many lady's butts
ND: hahahahahaha
BaconAngel: and you'll be all
BaconAngel: WHO'S NEXT?! COME ON YOU BASTARDS
ND: ND warrior princess
BaconAngel: then DMX and Jet Li shows up and to be honest this isn't a great movie

[On Disguises]
BaconAngel: I sometimes try to go a whole day speaking in nothing but a british accent
BaconAngel: it turns out it's much easier to do if you're anti-social!

[On Amusements]
ND: I think the most exciting "vacation-y" thing I've done was go to Toronto
ND: that and the rare "time to visit an amusement park and go on rollercoasters" which I LOVE.....and maybe pay a bit extra to go on that free-fall-150-feet-in-a-harness ride, which is also fantastic
BaconAngel: yes...yes that is great (no it's not I'm a total pussy)
ND: aww come oooon...rollercoasters too? Or just the freefall thing?
BaconAngel: kinda both
BaconAngel: probably just residual effects from trips with family to Cedar Point
BaconAngel: when my brother and sister were old enough to go on roller coasters but I wasn't because, "No, you'll fly out at Mach 7 and get your head split open on the pavement, you fragile, eggshell-skulled child"

[On Eyewear]
BaconAngel: do you want to see my result for "sexy glasses" that is marred only by the fact that they are being worn by an attractive woman and wasn't a photo taken with a shitty webcam or cellphone
BaconAngel: or are you going to be like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo
BaconAngel: HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ND: hahaha
ND: let's see
BaconAngel: (Link: http://static-p3.fotolia.com/jpg/00/02/30/84/400_F_2308448_GLDWJcdw67deJblZMfK7maF2C0Aylv.jpg)http://static-p3.fotolia.com/jpg/00/02/30/84/400_F_2308448_GLDWJcdw67deJblZMfK(Link: http://static-p3.fotolia.com/jpg/00/02/30/84/400_F_2308448_GLDWJcdw67deJblZMfK7maF2C0Aylv.jpg)7maF2C0Aylv.jpg
ND: hmm, yes, that works for her very well
BaconAngel: that's the sexy glasses look that only sexy glasses wearing sexiness can sexily do
ND: hahaha
ND: I know it's possible...it's just hard to find the proper pair!
ND: maybe one day I'll own some sexy-glasses
BaconAngel: you could also go with these (Link: http://www.thegreenhead.com/imgs/oakley-medusa-sm.jpg)http://www.thegreenhead.com/imgs/oakley-medusa-sm.jpg
BaconAngel: hot look if you want to attract some Klingon beefcakes
ND: hahahaha
ND: I was just going to say ...yeah, depends on who you're trying to woo, in that case
BaconAngel: all my advice in all areas of life are centered around the assumption that the reciever of the advice wishes to have sex with alien life forms
BaconAngel: I thought you'd know that by now
ND: hahahaha
ND: well that puts a lot in perspective, it does
BaconAngel: but if you don't want to get it on with an sexy alien, I guess you can get the laser surgery thing
BaconAngel: but the alien will be like PFFT LASERS
BaconAngel: THAT"S SO LAST LIGHT-YEAR
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: whereas glasses at least have a retro throwback charm
ND: Auto-reply: HAET LEIF abloo abloo
BaconAngel: like a sexy girl on a vespa, or an old-style bicycle, or creating a fire with flint and tinder to heat her slab of wooly mammoth steak

[On Conversational Rope-a-Dope]
BaconAngel: pfft, you keep saying "oh I gotta go to sleep" or "oh the sun's coming up" or "oh I got class" or "whoops my house is on fire", but you know you keep coming back for more
ND: lol
ND: it's true! what an addiction!
BaconAngel: AH CAN'T QUIT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuu
ND: whatever. I'd probably end up rambling on even if you left your computer for like 10 minutes, all gettin' some coffee or something, coming back and being like, "what? I thought I signed off"
ND: and I'm all chattin' it up with myself in the e-silence
ND: like right now
ND: YOU SEE
ND: I DON'T NEED YOU
BaconAngel: oh thank god. Not having to be an active participant in my conversations is a HUGE load off
ND: I can be crazy and insomniac-ish all by myself!
ND: I know, I'm a great solo conversationalist
BaconAngel: I can't tell you how embarassing it was when I tried to just let the other guy carry the conversation when I went to confession
BaconAngel: awkward

[On the Kindle]
BaconAngel: I think in the future the internet is going to take over so completely that the only reason for having dictionaries is going to be hiding firearms and/or prison escape tools
BaconAngel: so you're going to see roving street gangs with names like "The Websters"
ND: well it'll suck when all the books are Kindles
ND: "shit! Where does this knife go?"
BaconAngel: Swiss Army Knife guys will just make a multi-tool version of it
BaconAngel: I mean they stick everything else in those things, why NOT several thousand plaintext books
ND: hahahaha yessss
BaconAngel: OH GOD I'VE BEEN STABBED BY WUTHERING HEIGHTS
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: DAMN YOU BRONTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[On Time Zones]
BaconAngel: whenever I make calls I tend to go with 11am pacific
ND: haha, oh right, I forgot about the time difference.
ND: crepe. That means I need to wake my lady butt up earlier
BaconAngel: early enough that it's I AM NOT WASTING TIME AND L0LLYGAGING, before lunch, but not SO early that they won't be there
BaconAngel: wait what
BaconAngel: 11am is 2pm your time
ND: .................
ND: OLOL THAT'S WHAT I MEANT
ND: ......... <_<
ND: >_>
BaconAngel: (California is not in England ND)
ND: I...I thought I knew that, okay
ND: I can't help it if my geography is screwed up! I was part of the AMERICAN SCHOOLSYSTEM okay
BaconAngel: "Is this B_______?! Hope I didn't catch you on your way out to the lorry to get some fish n' chips govna!"
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: ok so career tip:
BaconAngel: don't bring up time zone differences
ND: I won't!
BaconAngel: if you make a fool of yourself with your sub-standard education about longitude I will be forced to deny that I've ever known you for the sake of my career
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: "I SWEAR GUYS I THOUGHT SHE WAS COOL AND WOULD FIT IN WITH OUR ALMANAC READER'S CLUB HERE"
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: "I didn't think she'd be all DAYLIGHT WHATINGS TIME? OLOL."
BaconAngel: 50's new yorker voice: "Oh yeah, I know him. Benjamin Frankenstein riiiight?"

[On Homework]
ND: it's no big deal...just "read chapter, summarize chapter in a page, and ask two questions"
BaconAngel: wait, YOU have to ask two questions?
BaconAngel: do you have to answer them?
BaconAngel: can they just be like
BaconAngel: "Why did I read this crap?"
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: "What could the author have done to make this crap more interesting?"
ND: I think the idea is to ask them in class so everybody can discuss it
BaconAngel: oh so then, "Wouldn't everyone rather talk about Blade Runner instead?"

BaconAngel: you should write your assignment in Barry White-speak
ND: that would probably be more work to do well than not
BaconAngel: This chapter was about a subject I love....you know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the fertile crescent baby."

[On Dreams]
BaconAngel: if only I could redeem my internet Manly McStudface points in for real life prizes

[On American History]
BaconAngel: american history is so...not especially impressive
BaconAngel: at least if you've been to Europe
ND: I think after having been bombarded with the same goddamn information EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR. I got pretty tired of it
ND: and Europe kicks our ass in cool history
BaconAngel: there's just not a lot of it physically around, and what is there is boring as hell because America was largely founded by the most boring sect of Europeans they could find
BaconAngel: QUAKERS: LOOK AT OUR ROCKING CHAIRS OOOOOH

[On Being Charitable]
BaconAngel: ah yes
BaconAngel: luckily I do not reguarly imagine you as a corpulant Roman senator

[On Living Big]
ND: but there's......GUNK...and shit that looked like crumbs or coffe grounds all around the sink....and under the drying rack...and augh augh augh it's so disgusting....I tried cleaning some of it up after I realzied it was there, after they'd been cooking....but I couldn't do the whole sink
ND: oh christ
ND: MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO LIVE WITH A GIRL NEXT YEAR
ND: NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT
ND: BUT DAMN
BaconAngel: yeah I know how much you love your mansions full of lantern-jawed boy-toys
BaconAngel: so it's like 'whoa 360 there'

[On Patriotism]
BaconAngel: don't hold back progress ND
ND: but...but
BaconAngel: there's no two things more american than sandwiches and Thanksgiving
BaconAngel: combine the two
ND: I am such a terrorist.
BaconAngel: it's like eating the Articles of Confederation
BaconAngel: in a GOOD way!

[On Tableware]
BaconAngel: I wonder if the average weight of the typical asian person would rise if chopsticks were all outlawed and replaced with forks
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: and would the average american lose weight if they had to split up and eat thier burger with chopsticks
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: new fad diet
BaconAngel: watch out, I'm about to become a motherfuckin' Oprah certified millionaire
ND: hahaha
ND: man, you know how you burn off all the calories that celery contains just by eating it?
ND: you'd probably get the same results from people struggling to cut up a burger
ND: double-win!
BaconAngel: yes, either that or everyone would just develop really strong hands to stuff it in their mouth whole
BaconAngel: and let's be honest, americans would never be satisfied to leave the chopstock design alone
BaconAngel: 2 months in everyone on the diet would be picking up their food with barbeque tongs
BaconAngel: more efficient, more durable!
BaconAngel: I think the problem with diets working with americans
BaconAngel: is that diets are based on moderation
BaconAngel: but everything about america and americans is defined by the words, "big" and "ridiculous"
ND: this is true
BaconAngel: and thus a big and ridiculous calorie burning way of eating has to be developed it it is to succeed
BaconAngel: here's my idea, make all burgers sold encased in large artificial rocks
BaconAngel: so you have to go out to a quarry and physically smash the rock in half before you can eat
ND: no way man
BaconAngel: ROCK BURGER
BaconAngel: MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN
BaconAngel: "I FEEL LIKE A BURGER MINER AND I WOULDN'T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY"

[On Education]
BaconAngel: if you need to resort to physical violence, may I suggest you look to the advice of a 10th dan master in the ancient art of "Cheating Like a Motherfucker"
BaconAngel: all horseshoes in the gloves
BaconAngel: horseshoes in the shoes
BaconAngel: horseshoes on the horses
ND: hahaha
ND: I will remember this
BaconAngel: in fact, just a lot of horseshoes in general
BaconAngel: steal them from the equestrian kids
ND: I'm sure they're not being used, anyway
ND: with all the.......lack of students doing that minor
BaconAngel: your only real rival in life, let's not forget
BaconAngel: so if not a lot of people do that can you just pick up a nice, lightly-used horse at the end of the semester
BaconAngel: like is there a horse buy-back program
ND: you can only sell back half the horse though
ND: (that's why used horses aren't too popular)
BaconAngel: is this a fake equestrian program, or for like the first year do you just have to make do with 2 guys dressed up in horse costume?
BaconAngel: weed out the people that just want to take a class in it to get their educational discount horse and then change major

[On Cooking]
BaconAngel: I'm not sure I've got enough motivation to be good at cooking, just enough to not want to feel ashamed of myself
BaconAngel: if you want to fly over here and teach me how not to be a knob that'd be great
ND: I'll get right on that! The plane, that is
BaconAngel: ok sweet!
ND: just clear me out a path from the door so I don't have to step on all the dead bodies
ND: that'd be good kthx
ND: :3
BaconAngel: hey come on now
BaconAngel: I wouldn's subject other people to my cooking
ND: hahahahaha
BaconAngel: I'm not a total sociopath

[On Exclusivity]
BaconAngel: maybe you can't sign up for it, you have to be chosen ....like a Navy SEAL, or "Nickelodeon Comes to Your School"

[On Names]
BaconAngel: How is it everyone you know has like a completely "not at all real" name
BaconAngel: For the sake of my sanity I am just going to mentally replace their names with "David"
ND: I also have normal named friends!
ND: like Adam!
ND: and Kristen!
BaconAngel: well...ok.
BaconAngel: I guess I'll let you off this time
ND: yay!
BaconAngel: but if you start talking about your good pal Fraanzbard Malichetonzky III Jr. I'm just going to assume everything you've ever said is a lie, a result of peyote-fueled hallucinations
BaconAngel: at this moment you're throwing your own supposed name into question, I'm half expecting you to turn out to actually have some southwest Native American name like "Yells at Buffalos"

[On America]
BaconAngel: America is great because everybody has the God-given right to a garage for 1 or more cars and a bunch of tools with which to make shit and/or lop off fingers

[On Honest Work]
ND: I wish I knew how to weld
ND: well, that and everything else
BaconAngel: you take a hot thing and apply it to metal bits and it goes FHGEEFGHEGEFGJEHE and they weld together
BaconAngel: how hard can it be
BaconAngel: JUST DO IT
ND: D:
BaconAngel: WELD SOMETHING RIGHT NOW
ND: augh augh augh
BaconAngel: weld a spoon to your sink
BaconAngel: it will be hilarious come tomorrow when somebody needs to eat cereal
ND: I...I don't know what that could accomplish
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: you'll be LEARNING!
BaconAngel: and what could be MORE of an accomplishment than EDUCATION
ND: yes.
BaconAngel: I also suggest welding big spikes to your hubcaps ala Ben Hur
ND: that's probably the first thing I'd do
BaconAngel: these are pretty much the only 2 things I could see me needing the skill of welding for

[On Flying]
BaconAngel: well it sounds like you don't share my TOP GUN dreams then :(
ND: maybe not haha
BaconAngel: all aviator glasses and beach volleyball and Kenny Loggins slow-motion walking to my Cessna Piper Cub

[On Pizza]
BaconAngel: I wanted pizza before, but I resisted
BaconAngel: I HELD OUT AGAINST THE FORCES OF PIZZA
BaconAngel: but this renewed onslaught
BaconAngel: not sure if I can hold out
BaconAngel: I fear the stalwart soliders of my determination can not defend the Alamo that is my body forever
BaconAngel: (The Alamo was raided by Italians, right? Right.)
BaconAngel: should I do it
BaconAngel: should I cave into the allure of pizza
ND: do eeeeet
BaconAngel: or should I remain firm and eat some healthy fucking BULLSHIT
BaconAngel: with VEGTABLES and shit
ND: whatever makes you happy, dear
BaconAngel: I thought you were all 'no fast food', I thought you'd put up more of a fight
BaconAngel: like DO YOU KNOW OVER 50 BILLION PEOPLE DIE OF PIZZA EVERY MONTH

[On Oscar-Award Winners]
BaconAngel: also I'll give a pass for Alladin on SOME musical bits because I was still a youngin when I saw it but fuck that magic carpet song I am so sick of hearing it
BaconAngel: would not be so bad if they never ever played it on the radio
ND: hahahaha yes
BaconAngel: BUT THEY PLAYED IT ON THE RADIO
BaconAngel: OVER AND OVER AND OVER
BaconAngel: same for that Titanic song, which I remember hating but now can't even remember what it sounded like
BaconAngel: just leave that shit in the movie and nowhere else PLZ
ND: I was just thinking about that when you mentioned over-played songs
ND: God I remember when people were like "OMG I SAW TITANIC 13 TIMES" and then "OH YEAH WELL I SAW IT 22 TIMES"
BaconAngel: (ps: Titanic was fucking retardedly over-rated and I held that belief in the period when people were totally overrating it and not AFTER THE FACT whenever turned around and tried to be COOL NOPE I DIDN'T LIKE THAT MOVIE I SAW 47 TIMES NOPE)
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: yeah I saw it once on VHS tape years afterwards because I totally refused to see it in the theater despite repeated attempts to force me to go and I was like "what the hell this is lame as shit"
BaconAngel: James Cameron could at least have thrown his fanbase a bone and put a Terminator cameo in there somewhere

[On Assurance]
BaconAngel: YOU ARE SAFE NOW IN THE ARMS OF STUDMUFFINOV HUNKENPANTSINSKI

[On Anastasia]
BaconAngel: (Just saying the entertainment and musical value of this movie would be increased by a damn sight if Anastasia was played by Snoop Dogg)

[On Mammary Glands]
BaconAngel: it's got tiny boobies
ND: well it's supposed to be slightly taller than a human, and I actually intentionally made smaller boobehs
ND: because honestly, I'm kinda prone to make them..."hearty" sized
ND: and this thing is supposed to kill people, not be fondled
BaconAngel: yeah I know how much you love a girl with a big ol' rack
ND: yes...it is...fantastic
BaconAngel: hellbeasts need fondlin' too

[On Threats to Our Nation]
BaconAngel: what if you're a terrorist that repents and saves lives? Does that makes you a terroro or a herorrist?
BaconAngel: and you don't LIKE being a hero for recycling your empty cans?
ND: a heterror! I'm a heterrorsexual.
BaconAngel: or not sprinkling your lawn quite so often
ND: I'm only attracted to repentant terrorists that save lives
BaconAngel: I wanna invade your Gaza Stri....no, never mind
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: Let me show you my Improvized Explosive Di- no that's even worse
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: don't let me start coming up with terrorism-based innudendos
BaconAngel: this cannot end well
ND: I'm sure this convo has already been flagged, anyway
BaconAngel: I'd like to tap your wiresARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
BaconAngel: GRHARRRHRGHAR

[On Growing Pains]
ND: man what is it with me wanting to eat everything
ND: OH MAN IT'S A GROWTH SPURT
ND: FINALLY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
BaconAngel: maybe you are developing into Galacticus, World Eater
ND: Mother will be so proud
BaconAngel: in the meantime I reccomend you make some side cash at the circus by eating car parts
ND: eh
ND: it's already been done
BaconAngel: flying car parts then

[On Motherhood]
BaconAngel: you're going to make me have an unnatural seething hatred for babies
ND: aaaah, population control.
ND: one victim at a time
BaconAngel: if I ever end up having a kid I'm going to end up slapping it senseless with a chinese fan and IT WILL ALL BE YOUR FAULT ND
ND: eheheheheh!
BaconAngel: child abuse isn't funny!
BaconAngel: you're a horrible mother!
ND: AAAUGH it's TRUE! I'm such a horrible mother...I haven't even reproduced yet!
ND: I HAVE NO CHILD
BaconAngel: You are indeed a failure as a mother
BaconAngel: you..you...MOTHERFAILURE

[On Sports]
ND: badminton, volleyball, sweemeeng, hiking, biking, general rough-housing and don't-know-what-I'm-doing wrestling, baseball, FRISBEE
ND: all good things
BaconAngel: me, I like the swings
BaconAngel: junglegym is good too
ND: hahaha
ND: I used to ride on swings no problem...but in the past year or two, I can't spend forever on them anymore
ND: I actually start to feel uneasy...which is weird!
ND: It takes awhile to get to that point, luckily...so I can still enjoy 'em a bit
BaconAngel: maybe you should stop wearing that corset and eating raw pork when you're on the swings

[On Fix-It Services]
ND: man there must be 2 settings on the goddamn AC (central air actually, but whatever)...like 85 and 60
ND: I *touch* the thermostat and it's like OH OKAY YOU WANT COLD AIR NOW ALRIGHT GOT IT
ND: and if I *touch* it in the other direction, it's like "FUCK OFF I'M WATCHING THE GAME"
BaconAngel: you need to touch its heart, ND
ND: but...but it won't open up to me!
BaconAngel: get a wrench

[On My Hat]
BaconAngel: give me one good reason I shouldn't always wear the hat!
ND: uhhh
ND: uhhh
ND: it'll...wear...out faster?
BaconAngel: exposing my all of my locks at any one time tends to make female drivers run off the road from distraction
ND: the truth comes out!
BaconAngel: it's very much the same principle as a burqa really
BaconAngel: if I don't cover up the consequences are my fault
ND: haha
BaconAngel: why, do you think I should be going hatless more often
BaconAngel: should I whore myself out like that for your own personal amusement
ND: it's more just funny to me how you've never portrayed yourself sans hat, and of the few times I've noticed you post some picture of yourself, it's still always with that hat
ND: you must really wear it all the time!
ND: I don't even wear shoes that consitently
BaconAngel: I just don't want to be off-message!
BaconAngel: I've worked hard with a team of consultants to get this image across
ND: what is that message, exactly?
ND: "check out this sweet hat"
BaconAngel: um
BaconAngel: yes?
BaconAngel: I think it'd disappoint people if I didn't wear it really
ND: well at this point it would probably seem weird to people if you didn't wear it
BaconAngel: it's like going to a Bozo the Clown show and he rolls out in some 501s and a Cosby sweater
BaconAngel: "this isn't what I paid for!"

[On The Passion of Christ]
BaconAngel: Jesus wasn't irish! and he probably had a better figure
BaconAngel: what with being crucified shirtless, that takes confidence
ND: I'm sure he went to the gym a lot beforehand
BaconAngel: I'd be crucified with at least a poncho
BaconAngel: and some big roomy jeans
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: anyway that's another good reason to wear the hat, so I don't get that comment
BaconAngel: Jesus well known for not wearing hats
ND: yeah, you don't want to be confused with him or nothin'
BaconAngel: for real, I don't think that's ever going to be a hot "in" look
BaconAngel: they might love Him, but few girls actually want to go ahead and bone Jesus
ND: he probably wouldn't be into it anyway
BaconAngel: you callin' Jesus gay?
BaconAngel: time to write an alternative Bible translation that ends with people burning my house down

[On My Autobiography]
BaconAngel: I also have a fingernail that's apparently permenantly fucked up looking
BaconAngel: and that IS noticeable, but usually people don't look at other people's fingernails so it never gets mentioned
ND: did you fight a bear or something
ND: you fought a bear, didn't you
ND: WHAT A MAN
BaconAngel: um
BaconAngel: ...yes?
BaconAngel: YES
ND: YESSSSS
BaconAngel: THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED
ND: I KNEW IT ALL ALONG
BaconAngel: (somehow I think most online peoples have a tremendously innaccurate picture of my life, but as long as they believe I am some kind of crazy-successful bear-fighting manly man I don't think I'll try to correct them)
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: in fact I think I might just start lying way more often
BaconAngel: I mean people might not buy that I was the 18th President of the United States, but they'll probably just mentally dial that down to something more reasonable sounding like a Nicaraguan state senator
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: that sounds legit right
ND: I would be totally fooled
ND: I am already starting to believe it
BaconAngel: I fought a bear for the seat in a lengthy campaign
ND: lol
BaconAngel: Incumbent Senator Bear was a real dickhole pork barreler
BaconAngel: in that his office was filled with barrels of pork

[On Conservation]
BaconAngel: gimme that bread, you!
ND: NEVAR
BaconAngel: shouldn't you share (because you care)?
BaconAngel: or maybe you don't care
BaconAngel: and you eat your precious bread while PANDAS STARVE
ND: hey man, it's not my fault they decided to eat like the least nutritious thing possible
BaconAngel: oh for the love of God, they're pandas!
BaconAngel: have you ever seen a healthy, thin panda on a South Beach diet?
BaconAngel: if pandas want gluten I'm not going to argue

[On the Creative Process]
BaconAngel: should I just make up some bad ideas for you to reject then
BaconAngel: how about
BaconAngel: Ancient Celtic Hooters Establishment

[On Mixed Feelings]
ND: I understand
ND: you hate America
BaconAngel: hey hey HEY
BaconAngel: watch your mouth, I love/hate America!

[On Meats]
BaconAngel: this is a theory of deliciousness being founded in front of your very face!
ND: turkey and bacon is not a combination I'd enjoy, methinks
BaconAngel: have you tried it?
ND: n...no....but
BaconAngel: I'm willing to try it...FOR AMERICA
BaconAngel: it doesn't sound that gross to me
ND: maybe I just have it out against bacon
BaconAngel: :(
ND: it's good and all, I just rarely have it
BaconAngel: well, that's fine
BaconAngel: since it will kill you
BaconAngel: but I thought you were against the taste of bacon
BaconAngel: which is unacceptable
BaconAngel: obviously
BaconAngel: it's an occassional treat
BaconAngel: like Christmas Crunch, or tackling a postman for no good reason

[On Sourdough]
BaconAngel: are you a fan of sourdough
ND: .........D:
ND: ..................no?
BaconAngel: you'd better be, because sourdough is AMAZING
BaconAngel: WHAAAAAT
BaconAngel: how!?
ND: aaaaaugh oh no I've done it now
ND: it's...SOUR
BaconAngel: but it's SO GOOD!
ND: tart bread? whaaaaaaat
BaconAngel: it's not like Sour Patch Kids bread for godssake
BaconAngel: it's just, it's got a ZIO
BaconAngel: er
BaconAngel: ZIP
BaconAngel: you know
BaconAngel: a KICK
BaconAngel: just a touch of a kick of a zip!
BaconAngel: man!
ND: haha I know, but...it's still got a little bit of sourness to it that's just...not what I look for in a bread, ya know
BaconAngel: :(
ND: I'm sorry!!
BaconAngel: man I feel like devouring an entire loaf of sourdough in front of you so you can witness the look of unbridled joy that you are missing out on
ND: lol
BaconAngel: as I kid I'd eat sourdough bread so fast
BaconAngel: 100% chance of hiccups
ND: hahaha really?
BaconAngel: and I didn't care it was so worth it yesssssssssssss
BaconAngel: yes ma'am
ND: the only way I know I'll get hiccups is if I'm laughing too hard as something, or for too long
BaconAngel: what, that's weird
BaconAngel: you must have an abnormal laughing form
ND: which sucks when what's funny is still happening, and I can't stop haha
ND: what! I've heard of other people like that though
BaconAngel: I would be laughing because you're hiccupping
ND: Maybe you just DON'T KNOW HOW TO LAUGH
BaconAngel: possibly not
ND: well that wouldn't help me out very much
BaconAngel: maybe I just don't have a boisterous enough chortle
ND: hiccups are pretty easy to get rid of though
ND: that must be it!
BaconAngel: I'm more of a wheezy low sort of laugh I think
BaconAngel: not a room-filling santa claus laugh that apparently you have
ND: I do it for the children.
BaconAngel: HO HO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hic
BaconAngel: hic
BaconAngel: HO HO hic
BaconAngel: hic
ND: one of my uncles ended up hiccuping for 2 weeks last year
ND: lol
ND: I dunno
BaconAngel: because that is acceptable
BaconAngel: if he ate
BaconAngel: 4 loaves of sourdough a day
BaconAngel: for 2 weeks
BaconAngel: this is the best reason for those results
ND: he'd probably have more problems than the hiccups
BaconAngel: otherwise, I am left confused
BaconAngel: balderdash!
BaconAngel: no harm can come from sourdough bread
BaconAngel: because the secret ingredient is LOVE, dammit
BaconAngel: (bangs desk)
ND: does the love sour, or something
ND: because that would make sense
BaconAngel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ND: why do you love eating sadness, kevin?
BaconAngel: because sadness is so delicious BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT
BaconAngel: sourdough is ALSO delicious, if not more so!
ND: you hiccup when your body is overwhelmed with despair
ND: it's all coming together now!
BaconAngel: what kind of sissy breads do YOU like then
ND: non-sourdough kinds
BaconAngel: I bet you like those dark brown bread rolls in the restaurant that everyone else at the table avoids because they're lame
ND: I don't like rye
ND: haha no way mang
BaconAngel: you big into wonder bread
ND: D:
BaconAngel: YEAH MAN IT'S SO WHITE I CAN USE IT TO BLEACH MY SHIRTS
BaconAngel: love that white, white white bread
BaconAngel: BLUGH
ND: actually I eat whole grain bread most of the time
BaconAngel: pfft, that's fine for your everyday sandwich making
BaconAngel: but it's not a party in your mouth, to which all are invited
ND: right, that's usually what it's used for haha
ND: man I can't find party bread usually
BaconAngel: that is a staff meeting in your mouth, where several people are out of office for an off-site training session

BaconAngel: (hic)
ND: stop that
ND: stop it this instant
BaconAngel: haha
BaconAngel: whaaaaat
ND: hey. HEY
ND: I'm watching you
BaconAngel: (lifts giant loaf of sourdough bread to face)
ND: don't you - don't......WHERE IS THAT SOURDOUGH GOING, YOUNG MAN
BaconAngel:
ND: you...did you already swallow it? THAT WAS A WHOLE LOAF
BaconAngel: aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggguaghaga (drools)
BaconAngel: GULP
BaconAngel: ah!
BaconAngel: DELICIOUS
ND: >: o
ND: now you go up to your room and hiccup over what you've done!
ND: NO BREAD FOR YOU
ND: THIS WHOLE WEEK
BaconAngel: (hic) what (hic) HIC do (hic) ever HIC MEAN, ND? (hic)
ND: Looks like I'll just have to eat this focaccia bread by myself.
ND: Don't you test me!
ND: DON'T YOU GO THERE!
BaconAngel: oh I'll GO THERE
BaconAngel: I'll go to the supply closet and get a scantron sheet and SEE WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF
ND: :'( Just LOOK at what sourdough's DONE to you, man! You've...CHANGED
ND: nobody at the bakery even KNOWS you anymore!
BaconAngel: I'M STILL THE SAME MAN I WAS WHEN I WENT OFF TO THE VIETNAMESE BAKERY
BaconAngel: WHY DO YOU HATE ME NOW?!
ND: YOU'RE BREAKING THIS INTERNET APART
ND: *slams door*
BaconAngel: ow my nose!
BaconAngel: come on baby, let's talk this through
ND: *frowny face*
BaconAngel: let's just have some nice french toast and settle our differences
BaconAngel: bury the hatchet in a short stack
BaconAngel: maybe some bacon on the side
ND: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING
ND: you'll hide a sourdough amongst the slices
ND: YOU CAN'T KICK THIS HABIT
ND: it owns YOU now!
BaconAngel: :(
BaconAngel: AH CAN'T QUIT YOU SOURDOUGH
ND: you should join Sourdon'ts Anonymous. I've heard they can help
BaconAngel: I CAN QUIT ANY TIME
ND: :(
BaconAngel: I'M IN CONTROL!
ND: there, there. It's okay.
BaconAngel: :CRY:
ND: *pat pat*
BaconAngel: *sniff*
ND: the first step to recovery...is admitting you're a horrible person for liking sourdough.
ND: it's just that simple!
BaconAngel: ...
BaconAngel: NEVER!
ND: UH I MEAN
ND: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BaconAngel: LET GO of ME, LET GO OF ME!
ND: NOOO COME BACK
ND: YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR BACOOOOOOOOOON
BaconAngel: ........................
BaconAngel: oh fine
ND: wahoo!
BaconAngel: SCRAGLARPGLUAGHUAGHGLORPGLOMPCHEW
ND: ............
ND: D:
BaconAngel: wnat some?
ND: .........I'm....I'm good thanks
ND: you just....carry on
BaconAngel: GLARPHGLORSHGHNASHGRARPT
ND: *wipes bacon off face*
BaconAngel: your loss, toots
BaconAngel: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
BaconAngel: GULP

[On Monsters]
ND: man, his pokemans don't even LISTEN to him sometimes
ND: that never happens with me!
BaconAngel: I...what?
ND: if you let them faint too often, they start to "not like you" and then they'll stop listening to you when you tell them what moves to use in a battle
BaconAngel: is this some pokebloke joke that us non-pokeblokes don't get
ND: it's for serious
ND: pokeymans is serious business
ND: serious.biz
BaconAngel: what kind of wussy monsters get the vapors
BaconAngel: I don't see Godzilla pulling that kind of shit
ND: it's because nobody owns godzilla, man!
BaconAngel: "Oh I do declare I thing I'll just have myself a sit down on this municipal terminal while I get my wind back."

[On Miserly Behavior]
ND: though when there's any type of monetary system in a game, I'll end up saving a lot of it
BaconAngel: I bet you tax the shit out of your simcity cities
BaconAngel: like it's friggin Norway

[On Mr.Smartypantses]
ND: I haven't been able to pay attention in this class AT ALL for the past two weeks
ND: partially because we've suddenly gotten into politics and economics and my brain just shuts of
ND: also because it's spring and my mind is elsewhere in other topics
BaconAngel: politics and economics? pffft those things have never been important
ND: the professor's a genius (speaks 7 languages! Fluently!), and a really nice guy, and the class discussions are usually pretty good....it's just that the topics now are very "bluuuuuh"
BaconAngel: ask him to talk about them in languages you don't know so you can tune him out more easily

[On Hastily Prepared Dinners]
ND: ARGH. I'll just have some mac and cheese
ND: mmm
ND: cheese
ND: so good
BaconAngel: blughg
ND: don't hate, you
ND: don't hate
BaconAngel: just...eat some real pasta!
ND: I have real pasta, but that's usually my problem-food. Also I'm not in the mood for it
ND: also it takes a few minutes longer to cook. MINUTES I CANNOT SPARE
BaconAngel: mac and cheese is a meal of shame and you know it
BaconAngel: if you eat mac and cheese you are surrendering to the Confederate South

[On Escaping Delicate Situations]
BaconAngel: < (does not know where to go with this joke)
BaconAngel: LOOK OVER THERE! WALLS!
ND: OOOOOOO

[On Skimming Text]
BaconAngel: man I hate skimming text and having my mind substitute things that are way more awesome than what it actually says
BaconAngel: for example, "Science: Obama Taps Charles Bolden To Lead NASA" being read as " Science: Obama Taps Charles Bronson To Lead NASA"

[On Bulking]
ND: I've actually been craving hamburger at lot lately
ND: probably a lack of protein or something in my diet....or lack of hamburger, mostly
BaconAngel: maybe you should start drinking protein shakes until you have trapezius muscles the size of toasters

[On Male Beauty]
ND: I looked up "male" instead of "male model" thinking I may end up with more average lookin' dudes
BaconAngel: hahaha GOOD CALL
BaconAngel: because if there's one thing male models are, it's "average"
ND: turns out I just ended up with a whole lot more pornography and animal testicles
BaconAngel: "I need a model for the Paris show because Calvier got sick, who do you have that looks like a stockboy at an OfficeMax?"

[On Social Circles]
BaconAngel: one day I'll find a way to hang out with all the other socially reclusive cool people and, and...!
BaconAngel: ...that would also be really awkward, but we'd all be awkward together!
BaconAngel: wait I probably just described and anime convention
BaconAngel: no, that probablty wouldn't be that cool
BaconAngel: fuck it, I guess I'll just keep workin' and drawin' and eatin' pizza and annoying people on the internet till the day I die
BaconAngel: LIVIN THE DREAM

[On "Girl"]
ND: I am totally not the typical "girl"
BaconAngel: true, most girls only have 2 eyes and one nose

BaconAngel: maybe you should just go up to dudes you find attractive and yell I'M A A GIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL in their face
BaconAngel: make sure they get the message
BaconAngel: otherwise they might think: "Not wearing dress = dude. or, badger."
BaconAngel: man is a simple creature

BaconAngel: maybe you can just wear a sweatshirt with a picture of a girl in a revealing outfit on it
BaconAngel: it'll be like a TRAP
BaconAngel: they'll be lured in by the smut and OH NO I'VE BEEN ENSNARED BY A WOMAN WITH SELF RESPECT

[On Dogs]
ND: heh, my mom told me back when I graduated high school that when I graduated college she'd buy my a german shepherd puppy
ND: but with the economy and my *not being able to afford anything once I graduate* will probably put that on hold
ND: awww I want a dog SO BAYD :(
BaconAngel: "Hey, now that you have no money and will probably have to move to low-rent housing across the country, now would be a good time to get a dog"?
ND: I don't know if it was an incentive or what...I figured at least my *mother* knew that I was going through it with or without any "reward"
BaconAngel: maybe she wants to sabotage a potential career by tying you down to a mouth to feed, one way or another
ND: what? You won't reproduce? HAVE THIS DOG
BaconAngel: maybe you can train the dog to hunt down potential employers and dates, and drag them back to your nest
BaconAngel: "What's that you got there boy? An HR rep from Epic? GOOOOOOD BOOOOOY"

[On What Women Want]
BaconAngel: CHICKS DIG WASTEFUL USE OF ELECTRICITY, ND
BaconAngel: YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND

[On Public Service Announcements]
ND: MAN, apparently!
ND: I must be some kind of...DUDE or something!
ND: maybe I should wear more makeup
ND: and a dress
BaconAngel: what, and try to look like David Bowie?
BaconAngel: actually if David Bowie walked in and started going on about household responsibilities, that would probably make them listen
BaconAngel: this is a good plan
BaconAngel: you have my authorization

[On Extortion]
BaconAngel: I have to ask your mother to buy me this dog
BaconAngel: as a reward for uh
BaconAngel: making sure you finish college
BaconAngel: (ps: finish college)
BaconAngel: there we go, I did it
ND: "This guy from California did it! Yeah, I don't know...I met him online, but he seems nice! Could you send him a dog?"
ND: "He wants you to name the dog after your Social Security Number"
BaconAngel: hahaha
BaconAngel: MAKE THE CALL
BaconAngel: and video tape it so it's a youtube hit
ND: hahahaha, at 1am, even better
ND: "MOM! MA! WAKE UP!"
ND: "YOU NEED TO BUY A DOG FOR SOME GUY I MET ONLINE"
BaconAngel: haha that really makes it sound like you're in some deep shit
ND: "I wanted to call you now so you wouldn't waste any time when you get up tomorrow"
BaconAngel: "LOOK DON'T ASK QUESTIONS"
BaconAngel: "YOU DON'T KNOW THIS GUY"

[On Man Vs. Wild]
ND: isn't he the dude that does the really excessive gross stuff, and Survivorman dude is way more reasonable about it
BaconAngel: yeah but who wants reasonable shit
ND: though I do remember with the Grylls guy, thinking "how the hell are the cameraman/mens following him on this terrain?? With CAMERAS
BaconAngel: I ain't going out into fucking antartica, I want to see a dude fistfight a polar bear

[On Royalty]
ND: I've already eaten all the icecream and cake
ND: it was princess-grade
BaconAngel: YOU BITCH
BaconAngel: just because you've got those 50 inch waist sweatpants with "Princess" in glitter across the bottom doesn't make you nobility, sugar
ND: WHAT IF MY SHIRT SAYS IT TOO
ND: also the glitter is pink
BaconAngel: not even with that AND a tiny bug eyed dog named Princess to boot
BaconAngel: everyone knows you can only be a princess with a sparkly "Princess on Board" bumper sticker
BaconAngel: sheez, it's like you know NOTHING about how monarchy works

ND: *pauses, takes tiara off, looks at it*
ND: *tosses it*
ND: A NEW LIFE BEGINS TODAY
BaconAngel: *lands on my head*
BaconAngel: GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
ND: Wear it well!......you....you Princess, you!
BaconAngel: you go start your new life
BaconAngel: I'll go marry that guy from Anastasia I guess
BaconAngel: Flinkograd or whoever
ND: make sure you find a sunny glade, to make sure you're in Russia
BaconAngel: I WILL
ND: find yourself a pink bat in the end, and you'll know you've done the right thing
BaconAngel: I'll be sure to find an old dude to teach me how to be groped in a regal way by men with chins strong enough to puncture tank armor

[On Extermination]
ND: oh, and there was a bat in my house. That was also an event
BaconAngel: did you kill it...with a bat
BaconAngel: making a "bat" based one-liner as you did so?
BaconAngel: such as " I DIDN'T EVEN BAT AN EYE"

[On Construction]
BaconAngel: you were getting me all hot and bothered with the mental image of hot girls wearing nothing but tool belts and covered up with strategicly placed roof shingles
ND: that was my original intention, I swear!
BaconAngel: *soon to be a major website

[On Dream Jobs]
BaconAngel: PSYCHIC DINOSAURS FROM HELL
BaconAngel: YES
BaconAngel: this is the job I want

[On Fallbacks]
BaconAngel: it's ok, we all eat architectural features when the chips are down

[On the Domino Theory]
BaconAngel: spiders are like Communism as imagined by vietnam-era American politicians
BaconAngel: you let spiders establish themselves in Saigon and then next thing BAM THEY ARE NESTING IN YOUR HAIR

[On Insects]
BaconAngel: you know, I don't like spiders or bees or hornets or wasps
BaconAngel: but I respect them
BaconAngel: you know what I don't respect?
BaconAngel: earwigs
ND: AAAAUGH
BaconAngel: what a bunch of dicks
ND: yeah!
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: all they do is gross me out, and they even have a gross name
ND: I think I hate them equally, even since I found out the pinchers aren't actually "pinchers"
ND: yeah, they're still nasty buggres
ND: buggers*
BaconAngel: I mean I can respect ants, because they've got shit goin' on
ND: ants can be sweet. Never had problems with no ants.
BaconAngel: earwigs are just freelance douchebags, gettin' in my sink and pissing me off
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: what are you trying to accomplish earwigs
BaconAngel: what could you possibly want in my bathroom
BaconAngel: you have no business here
BaconAngel: you are not wanted
ND: speaking of earwigs, a random earwig was in my kitchen earlier, eating my 4-leaf clovers I'd just found
ND: I'm like "asshole"
ND: and he's all "luck tastes delicious"
BaconAngel: and then you were all
BaconAngel: "no, luck YOU!" and crushed him
ND: I threw him out of the window
ND: but yeah
ND: I sent him off with some harsh verbals
BaconAngel: pfft, that WAS lucky
ND: I don't expect him to wander 'round here again
BaconAngel: if he ran into me he would be DEAD
BaconAngel: DEAD I TELL YOU
ND: I think earwigs are even grosser squished
ND: I'll squish some bugs
ND: but others I'll just send outside, haha
BaconAngel: YOU ALLOW THEM TO SPREAD BY LETTING THEM SURVIVE
BaconAngel:
BaconAngel: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON
ND: speaking of outside! I must leave this LOVELY conversation of bugs and hang out with a friend, and like, watch girl flicks or something...some movie-event because my town is pretty boring at 1:30
ND: NOOO THAT'S NOT HOW IT IS
ND: NUUUU
BaconAngel: bullshit!
BaconAngel: go cuddle with your precious You've Got Mail loving earwig friends!
ND: hahahahaha, ugh, that movie
BaconAngel: traitor to humanity!
ND: :'(
ND: you just wait! YOU'LL SEE!
ND: I'LL SEND THEM ALL TO YOUR HOUSE!
ND: ALL EARWIGS
ND: AND
ND: NAO
BaconAngel: IF I GO I'LL TAKE THEM WITH ME
ND: I GOTTA GO!
BaconAngel: AHAHAHAHAHA
BaconAngel: alright
ND: au revoir, earwig man
BaconAngel: have fun, you earwig-loving commie bastard

[On Beds]
BaconAngel: man it's 7am where you are, what the heck is your deal
ND: I dunno, man...it's been two weeks of crappy sleep schedules and construction right outside of my window and people with tiny lawns and huge tractors at 7am
BaconAngel: your bed can obviously not be that great if you and it are neglecting each other so much these days
ND: we're.....we're just fighting, okay? We needed to...we needed to take a break, and...
ND: OH GOD I MISS HIM SO MUCH
ND: *ABLOOOOOO*
ND: maybe Tire-Track Blanket is what's been missing from our relationship
BaconAngel: well, it would make things a little more hot under the covers
BaconAngel: but that is a purely factual statement

[On Lies]
ND: I didn't want to admit this to ya
ND: but
ND: I'm not actually a dragon.
BaconAngel: WHAT
ND: I KNOW! I'm sorry! D:
BaconAngel: FUCK
ND: oh no oh no uuuhhh
ND: uuuuuuhhh
BaconAngel: have the last (number of years I've internet known you) years all been founded on LIES!?
ND: I couldn't let you know the TRUTH! I was AFRAID!
ND: I knew that if I posed as a dragon...I would seem exotic!
ND: I might have had a chance!
ND: but now...
ND: D:
BaconAngel: and here I was excited about your bed because I was thinking, "with her scaly hide and bony exterior that must be one nice bed if it can accomidate that horrid physique"
BaconAngel: but now, jeez
BaconAngel: I guess it must just be generally ok
ND: lolol
BaconAngel: at best
ND: well that, my dear fatty pork strip...that was not a lie.
ND: My bed is, indeed, superb
BaconAngel: pffft
BaconAngel: how can I trust your word any more
BaconAngel: I bet you sleep on a piece of driftwood supported by 4 overturned rubbermaid garbage cans

[On Games]
BaconAngel: the internet is not like Jenga, removing a link will not make the entirety of the structure risk collapse
ND: I know it's not that simple :P
ND: but I can still pretend it is!
ND: for the sake of my own amusement
BaconAngel: (I think that's the most legitimate analogy I've come up with all day)
ND: screw jenga, man
ND: the second you've removed all the center pieces, you're screwd
BaconAngel: all the center pieces first, what a timid and loserish way to play
ND: what
ND: do you just, like
BaconAngel: go for the outside and show some balls about it!
ND: punch through the whole stack and call it a day
BaconAngel: haha
BaconAngel: well
BaconAngel: well now I am
ND: lol
BaconAngel: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES
BaconAngel:
ND: and then you beat your chest and climb up onto the roof
BaconAngel: I was thinking then I'd pick up an axe and lumberjack a redwood down, and say something inane like "NOW THAT'S A REAL MAN'S JENGA!" as the trunk was carted away to be turned into Jenga blocks
ND: or just one giant jenga block

[On Steves]
ND: it's so aggravating when people are like that...one of my other steve friends does something like that a lot, I think out of self-esteem issues...he'll offer to help somebody do something, and then when they ask to take him up on it, he immediately thinks they're taking advantage of him
BaconAngel: how many steve friends do you have!?
BaconAngel: and do they all have weird issues?!
ND: it's bizarre, really....I don't really talk with one or two of them anymore
ND: but at one point I had a solid 5 friends named steve
ND: hahaha
ND: no, but every steve I've ever been friends with has liked me
ND: so that's a weird statistic
BaconAngel: that is really odd
BaconAngel: like I'm imagining a power ranger team, except instead of spandex they're wearing flannel shirts and glasses, and instead of fighting monsters they're hitting on you?
BaconAngel: is this basically how it went down?

[On Improvisation]
ND: I've always had a thing for stuff like duct tape and bits of strong twine/string
ND: ever since I was little I was like oh man I could totally use this someday
BaconAngel: you've...had a thing for them?
ND: I think it started when I was in pre-K and wanted to build myself afort in the woods
ND: and I was like, "USEFUL STUFF!" and twine was the best for stick-tying
BaconAngel: like "oh duct tape, I want to be affixed to you forever"?
ND: I got the same excitement from making myself a longbow out of fishing wire, electrical tape and a green sapling
ND: fishing line*
ND: I like being crafty :D
BaconAngel: what are you, MacGuyver?
ND: YES.
ND: I love MacGuyvering stuff
BaconAngel: SWEET
ND: I feel so awesome afterwards
BaconAngel: you're going to make me want to build something now, aren't you
ND: YES. :D
BaconAngel: you are my muse when it comes to hastily constructed and largely unneeded objects
ND: hahahah
ND: glad I could be of use

[On Hipster Wear]
ND: and yeah, I mean, I'm used to seeing the whole "lady hips" shape on a daily basis and it's not often I see guys in tight jeans haha
BaconAngel: but...you just said there were so many tight-jeans wearing dudes at...are you just taking their existance from hearsay or what
ND: well in my life it hasn't been a common thing to see
BaconAngel: wearing blinders on your way from class to class
ND: but SCAD is full of skinny guys wearing skinny jeans and being lanky and indie all over the place
ND: so maybe it's just an overload to the system or something
BaconAngel: that's what they used to call "the vapors", no?
ND: indeed
BaconAngel: "oh ah do declare I've never seen so many tightly wrapped packages outside of a pony express office"

[On Cougars]
BaconAngel: Dang it I've run out of extremely clumsily designed suggestions to get you to remove your clothes sometime between now and when you hit your 94th birthday
ND: lol
ND: a true loss.
ND: 92 year old with fantasy chain mail armor?
ND: who WOULDN'T want to see that?
BaconAngel: and I do hope that is the clumsiest suggestion on the matter you've recieved from anyone, otherwise I'd imagine you have lived through some incredibly awkward situations
BaconAngel: well uh
BaconAngel: are you into that uh
BaconAngel: mad scientist brain transplant surgery
ND: AM I !?
BaconAngel: oh excellent, so you might be in a hot chick's body at age 92...or you might be a floating brain in a gumball machine with robot T-Rex arms and a Speak N Spell voice
ND: Auto-reply: it's 4 am! Time to eat again!
BaconAngel: it's the mystery of it that makes the multi-decade striptease so exciting
ND: being a male, I know how difficult it must be for you to control yourself right now. I understand.
BaconAngel: wait are you saying I'm a male or you're a male
ND: uh
ND: uh
ND: uh
ND: dammit I know I know the answer to this, lemme think it over
ND: wait, wait, wait, okay, uh
ND: is the answer "C"?
BaconAngel: well all I know is I'm chewing tobacco and lassoing horses from my pink and purple unicorn whist wearing a skirt with puppies on it
BaconAngel: the evidence is inconclusive
ND: man, California must not be how I imagined it!
BaconAngel: how did you imagine it?
ND: without unicorns!
BaconAngel: why would I move cross country to one of the most expensive states to live in if it didn't have unicorns?
BaconAngel: come on use your head, (wo)man)?)!
ND: of course, of course. How silly of me
ND: man
ND: I live in an expensive state too, but we don't have unicorns.
ND: ...we've just got a crazy surplus of revealing fantasy armor.
BaconAngel: welp, guess you'll have to strap on a bracelet-sized piece of metal as some underwear and make your way over here sometime
BaconAngel: for unicorns are amazing
BaconAngel: way cooler than those douchebag bicorns

[On Winking]
BaconAngel: hey I'm only a pervert when it comes to you, missyfacebabydollgirl
BaconAngel: (SLOW CREEPY WINK)
BaconAngel: I just winked to hard I gave out an audible grunt, so forceful a movement upon my face it was
ND: creepy mostly because you'll look like you're having a stroke for however long that "slow wink" lasts
BaconAngel: what is this, witch medicine? I think people that aren't creeps can have strokes too you know!
BaconAngel: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST STROKE VICTIMS
ND: they've all got bad sides
ND: OOOOOOOH

[On Top 40's Hits]
ND: ugh, my mind immediately remembered a toilet seat being sold in a damned hammacher schlemmer catalogue that would play "takin' care of business" when the seat was lifted
ND: and then I realized my memories have been tainted
BaconAngel: hahaha
BaconAngel: so basically it makes you feel like you're dropping a load right into the collective mouths of Bachman-Turner Overdrive
BaconAngel: that is a hideous thought and I can only hope that's a very specialized sort of market

[On Men]
ND: I'd be such a failure in the 50's
BaconAngel: what you mean you LEAVE the kitchen!?
BaconAngel: what in the HELL?!
ND: oooooh no you DI' IN'T
BaconAngel: I thought you were one of those womb mans!
ND: such a horrifying image
BaconAngel: hahaha
ND: what husband would want to come home to his womb man
BaconAngel: well do you have a better explaination of what the wo in woman is doing there
ND: woah, man!
BaconAngel: I suppose it was easier than calling women, "Men2"
ND: wombat man
BaconAngel: Men: The Sequel
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: boobmen
ND: Men: Men Harder
ND: Men: Impossible
ND: 2 Men, 2 Furious
BaconAngel: if only they had had 20th century pop culture when they were coming up with the english language
ND: their loss
BaconAngel: MEN: THIS TIME THEY'RE WITH CHILD
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: MenJr.
ND: Men: the Mennenning.
BaconAngel: Men: By Mennen
BaconAngel: Men: No Weiner Edition
BaconAngel: the phantom MENace
ND: Auto-reply: it's 4 am! Time to eat again!
ND: There's Something Wrong with Men
ND: TransforMENS
ND: Lord of the Mens
BaconAngel: MENtos
ND: Teenage Men Ninja Men
BaconAngel: man you're really reaching now
BaconAngel: that's like
ND: I meant to end this conversation like 10 minutes ago but noooooo
BaconAngel: JAMES MEN: DOUBLE O MEN: QUANTMEN OF SOLMEN
ND: hahaha
ND: QUANTMEN OF SOLMEN
BaconAngel: you and I together make the most hideously unqualified pair of gay porn video title namers ever
ND: Auto-reply: it's 4 am! Time to eat again!
ND: hahahahahah
ND: oh good! that means there's hope for me if I don't make it in art.
ND: I'm not sure if you'd get too far with "Men: No Weiner Edition" in that case
ND: unless you find a demographic with a eunuch fetish
BaconAngel: I dunno, I guess that's one of the ones that doesn't go in the "ADULT" section but goes in the normal section of the store with just a big sticker over suggestive parts of the box saying MUST BE 18 TO RENT
BaconAngel: or I dunno
BaconAngel: it's a series of gay porno about barbeque?
BaconAngel: this one just has burgers
ND: hahaha
ND: I should probably try to do the sleep thing now
ND: if I remember how
BaconAngel: other title: MEN: PITCHER AND KETCHUP
BaconAngel: alright
ND: haha
BaconAngel: now that I've got you riled up about gay dudes wearing nothing but KISS THE COOK aprons
BaconAngel: I suppose you should have some alone time
ND: just don't mention womb-mans
BaconAngel: I'll...I'll try to resist
ND: I know the temptation must be great
BaconAngel: well NOW it is
BaconAngel: anyway
ND: I'll leave you with the image of 92-year old womb mans in fantasy chain mail armor
BaconAngel: oh god
BaconAngel: D:
ND: so have fun with that

[On Things That Should Have Been Obvious]
ND: and I only remember this right before bed when I realize I'm running out of clothes to wear the next day
BaconAngel: just go to the nude beach laundromat
BaconAngel: oh wait, they probably...wouldn't...have one of those

[On Nuts]
BaconAngel: if there's ever a big jug of cashews in front of your tv and you're playing video games because there's nothing else to do because your computer and shit are back at college or your apartment or whatever
BaconAngel: don't eat pretty much the entire thing in one sitting
BaconAngel: unless you are interested in producing enough gas and bloating to power a zeppelin from here to the moon and back again

[On Meaning]
ND: I feel silly for almost never adding "meaning" to anything I do
ND: I'm like "I want to draw something that looks cool"
BaconAngel: OH NO SNOBS WILL LAUGH AT YOU
BaconAngel: BLORGH BLORGH BLORGH WHERE ARE YOR ALLEGORIES
ND: hahaha
ND: I find it funny when people also say things like "you EXPRESS yourself through your art!" and "what's the MEANING behind this" and I'm all like "olol disappointing reply"
BaconAngel: "I am expressing I AM BETTER THAN YOU AT ART"
BaconAngel: KERSLAM
BaconAngel: BLAM
BaconAngel: (touchdown dance)

[On Too Soon]
BaconAngel: an anime show about a ghost/zombie Michael Jackson who goes around killing people
BaconAngel: with a machete
BaconAngel: WE'LL CALL IT
BaconAngel: THE KING OF CHOP
BaconAngel: "it's a THRILLER!"

[On Popular Literature]
BaconAngel: are you hiding from the world
BaconAngel: like a vampire
BaconAngel: or even worse
BaconAngel: a teen romance novel vampire
ND: TWILIGHT WOOOOOO
BaconAngel: OH GOD
ND: hahahaha
ND: I think it's just that it's too hot for me to stay asleep in the morning
ND: also freak bugs attacking me
BaconAngel: you're one of those sparkling hunks of the night aren't you
ND: "sparkling hunks of the night" haha, yes

[On Reassurance]
BaconAngel: don't psych yourself out
BaconAngel: because sometimes it feels like you're psyching yourself out
BaconAngel: sorta makes me want to go "man it's gonna be ok" and give you a bro-hug but I imagine you so wound up with anxiety that you'd be shaking all over with nervous energy and sand my shoulder raw just through friction

[On Women's Liberation]
ND: check it out, I can get pizza MYSELF.
BaconAngel: WHOA WOW
ND: hah, I know...right?....it's so cool
BaconAngel: SHE APPEARS TO BE A WOMAN, YET ORDERING PIZZA LIKE A MAN!
BaconAngel: HOW CAN THIS BE?!
ND: SHE'S A WITCH!
ND: PLACE HER IN THE DUNKING CHAIR
BaconAngel: I AM FLUMMOXED, AND I SHALL WAX MY MOUSTACHE UNTIL I'VE ARRIVED AT AN ANSWER FOR THIS CONUNDRUM!

[On Taking Criticism]
BaconAngel: maybe next time I'll try a similar tactic: "Hey, your brushmanship could use some work".....
BaconAngel: "YEAH WELL I'VE GOT A HUGE DICK"

[On Emergencies]
ND: i'b *twy*igg!
BaconAngel: vhat
BaconAngel: are you ok dude
ND: (that was "I'm trying" with my knuckle in my mouth)
ND: yes, I...I think I can pull through!
BaconAngel: should I call an ambulance?!
BaconAngel: A PIZZA AMBULANCE?!
ND: this is the BEST INJURY EVER!
BaconAngel: well I dunno how much good hot greesy cheese and pepperoni does when applied to a cut

[On Modern Humor]
BaconAngel: WHAT DO EGGS HAVE IN COMMON WITH SOLAR PANELS? THEY BOTH LIKE TO BE SUNNY SIDE UP
BaconAngel: HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW ugh

[On Midnight Snacking]
ND: I'm not as hungry and can't eat as much. Though maybe it's cool enough now that my aunt will *stay* sleeping upstairs now, and not in the livingroom/kitchen area
BaconAngel: YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER! YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER HOW TO EAT!
ND: this house is huge and that's actually a substantial space, but man every noise is so audible, everywhere!
ND: It's all a blur!
ND: *mouths a waffle*
ND: am i doin' it rite!?
BaconAngel: this is what you do
BaconAngel: get an old boombox from goodwill, load it with some fat beats
ND: [phat*]
BaconAngel: put it in some bushes in your front lawn
BaconAngel: hook it up to a remote
BaconAngel: when you need to move without being heard, you turn on the beats and make it sound like some jackass is going down the street with his jackass car
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: covering the noise you'll be making, or at least providing a distraction
BaconAngel: /
BaconAngel: giving you a reason to be up
BaconAngel: EH? EH?

[On Theft Protection]
BaconAngel: yeah, you might want to be careful where you park your car, especially if it's full of school things you're moving back with
ND: yeah, last time it was fine
ND: I do actually worry about that when parking at a hotel haha, but...there are always much nicer cars around
ND: and I cover up the box that has my computer in it, with my comforter and such
ND: so it just looks like a car filled with pillows nd badstuff and maybe some artbooks
BaconAngel: what is this...ND badstuff?
BaconAngel: it sounds like you're covering your valuables with a protective layer of pornography

[On Cookies]
ND: (oh man I really need to work hard on not stealing cookies anymore!)
ND: THANKS, GUY!
BaconAngel: then you can put it on your resume!
ND: hahahah
BaconAngel: just a picture of a cookie with a NO symbol on top, with no explaination
BaconAngel: then during the interview you pull out the resume
BaconAngel: pause
BaconAngel: stare learingly at it for a moment
BaconAngel: then devour the resume messily
ND: hahaha
ND: yes
BaconAngel: COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE
BaconAngel: IT WAS NOT A COOKIE
BaconAngel: I WANTED A COOKIE BUT IT WAS NOT A COOKIE
ND: Ceci n'est pas une cookie
BaconAngel: that is the most pretentious Seseme Street/Magritte crossover joke I've ever heard
ND: hahaha, I try I try
BaconAngel: btw I had to look Magritte up, feel free to mock my lax art history knowledge
ND: I had to look up the french spelling hahaha
ND: feel free to mock my.....unilingualness
BaconAngel: hi5, with our google powers combined we can almost appear to be somewhat competant!
ND: wooo!
BaconAngel: that's a pretty sad statement though
ND: I'll take it!
BaconAngel: just imaging some redneck couple on the bajou talking to ol' Jed and being like "YEP IT TAKES THE BOTH OF US TO OPERATE THE GOOGLE MACHINE YEP."
BaconAngel: it's like a motherboard strapped to an airboat fan

[On Spinners]
ND: hahaha, oh man, ye
ND: yes*
BaconAngel: haha, I like "oh man, ye"
ND: hahah
BaconAngel: like an old english, "yo"
BaconAngel: sup ye?
ND: I'ma bring it back!
BaconAngel: ye check it new spinnin' rims bay-bee
ND: haha
BaconAngel: btw, spinning rims
BaconAngel: absurdest thing
BaconAngel: or
BaconAngel: MOST absurd thing?
ND: hahaha
ND: confused the hell out of me when I first saw them
BaconAngel: I especially like them on cars that probably cost less than the rims
ND: there has to be something more absurd, though
BaconAngel: CLASSY
BaconAngel: 89 Chevy Cavalier...with spinners AWWW YEAHHH
ND: haha yes
BaconAngel: I like the Rolls-Royce wheels, because they are ANTI-SPINNERS
BaconAngel: no matter how fast you drive the middle stays still so the RR logo stays upright at all times
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: but I think I could do better
BaconAngel: what I'm proposing
BaconAngel: is bringing the tires closer to the center of the car
BaconAngel: then having other tires placed in FRONT of those tires, and slightly above, concealing them from view
ND: hahahaha
BaconAngel: so it looks your car is just hovercrafting along, no tire spin whatsoever
ND: non-moving rims, AND tires
ND: ?
ND: ???
BaconAngel: hell yeah
BaconAngel: just weld them in place
ND: hahaha fantastic
BaconAngel: surely the ultimate in class
ND: absolutely.
BaconAngel: also I want a metal folding roof that goes over my soft top convertable
BaconAngel: I mean
BaconAngel: I don't want that soft top getting wet in the rain!
BaconAngel: it's made from particularly rain-sensitive leather made from particularly rain-sensitive cows!

[On Retirees]
BaconAngel: can't get hung up on what's gone....!
BaconAngel: (single tear)
ND: don't worry, Johnny, you can always get another cat!
ND: Another 8 cats
BaconAngel: AUGHHHHHHH
BaconAngel: for some reason that gave me the image of after Bandit kicks the bucket, Johnny Quest becoming a lonely crazy old cat-man
BaconAngel: wheelchairing around his retirement complex apartment with a cat on his lap
BaconAngel: with the Johnny Quest theme blaring out over everywhere
BaconAngel: DAH NA! NNANANAANA NA- NAH! DAHNANANANAN NA NA NA NA, NANANNANA NA-NAH!!

[On Hotness]
BaconAngel: you can use that accusation when I come up with a sandwich suggestion that involves my dangler and nuggets somehow in its preparation
BaconAngel: until then I'm going to call you out on your blatant sexism
ND: hahaha
BaconAngel: TESTOSTERONE AND TURKEY ON RYE
ND: MANLICIOUS.
BaconAngel: god that is a word that I hope you don't employ in your pillow-talk
ND: hahahaha
ND: it's the only word.
BaconAngel: D:
BaconAngel: you just say it over and over
BaconAngel: during the act
BaconAngel: while the dude just gets more and more freaked out
ND: hahahaha
ND: that would be hilarious
ND: at the same time, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from laughing
ND: MAN.....LICIOUUUUSSSS
BaconAngel: that's why you wear a darth vader mask to conceal your giggles
ND: so when I giggle it just sounds like a million distorted voices from hell
ND: SO SEXY.
BaconAngel: then after the business is over you look at the camera and hold up a colt 45 and say "Works Every Time" (Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pK5HmuCMBM)(Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pK5HmuCMBM)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pK5HmuCMBM
ND: hahahahaha
BaconAngel: this is a weird direction this conversation about sandwiches speared off into

[On Flabbergastedness]
BaconAngel: you don't have to say a word about ravioli cubes....for doubtless they have taken your breath away
ND: . . . !
BaconAngel: like being punched in the stomach

Update: 2-26-2009

[On Injuries]
BaconAngel: how do I make my knee not hurt to walk on
James: you're... walking on your knees?
BaconAngel: because in a few minutes that's something I need to be doing
that's...no
at least, I don't think so
James: i find your question somewhat confusing, then
BaconAngel: do _your_knees have toes
James: well, no. but one does not need toes on an appendage in order to walk using said toe-less appendage.
BaconAngel: let me rephrase:
When I walk (normally, with my feet being the objects that touch the ground, my left knee feels bad
and I don't mean it starts crying
James: huh/
BaconAngel: I mean it hurts in a physical way
James: did you sprain or pull it?
or did it just start aching?
is it a sharp or dull pain?
BaconAngel: owing to the fact that I jumped off a picnic table in a not very coordinated fashion
James: hahaha
is that was caused it?
BaconAngel: yes
look it was all fun and games until I got hurt retardedly
James: ok, take some ibuprofen or acetaminophen and stop jumping around for a few days.
or acetylsalicylic acid
if you're not allergic
(advil, tylenol, or aspirin, respectively.)
sorry, last time i said, "advil or tylenol," the guy corrected me w/ the chemical ingredients.
i thought i'd just avoid that discussion this time
BaconAngel: what a fucking toolbag
James: lol
but yeah, it makes me leery of not using the technical terms now.
go figure.
BaconAngel: no, fuck that guy
BaconAngel: that guy deserves to be annoyed constantly if he's that big of a tool
BaconAngel: like have you heard of Euphukingtuulium? That's the chemical ingredient for Go Fuck Yourself
James: hahahaha
yeah, using such technical terms is just floccinaucinihilipilification.
BaconAngel: how many times do I have to tell you I don't speak Klingon

[On Psychological Profiles]
BaconAngel: I looked up that INTJ crap some more and it started saying I'm an arrogant dick that rejects other people's criticism with sarcasm, so fuck that shit I'm great and it's so stupid that it couldn't find it's ass with both hands tied behind its back

[On Non-Secular Schooling]
BaconAngel: I am going to go ahead and blame Catholic high school for ruining my future career by making it impossible to stare at tits all day
that's bullshit and it's done me no good
BaconAngel: look Jesus or whatever but if I need to draw a sexy female space marine or whatever I can't just draw Jesus wearing the crucifix loincloth with a couple of cantaloupes strapped to his chest now can I
bullshit

[On Temptation]
BaconAngel: god being unemployed is going to make me fat as hell
because it's like EATING
WHY NOT DO IT RIGHT NOW?
YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?
SO WHAT?

[On Gender Roles]
BaconAngel: good god I'm watching a 24/7 puppy webcam and I've got long hair, I'm only a genital away from being a girl at this point
James: hahahahahah

[On Class Struggles]
James: you can buy perishable food items online too
it's pretty awesome.
speaking of, i should totally order some steak or lobster. just go nuts.
BaconAngel: I can't wait until genetic engineering means you can have both at once, with the semi-aquatic Lobcow
James: or a lobster stuffed w/ steak?
like, grown that way
BaconAngel: burger served in shell
yum
James: lol
BaconAngel: with the destruction of the middle class it is inevitable products like this will be made to cater to those in the newly formed social class created by the collision of the upper and lower classes, that of the Fancy Hick
also look for top hats with filthy trucker slogans written on them and the Mercedes-Benz No-Class
BaconAngel: It's just one of their SUVs just rusted up and with no tires, thrown in someone's yard
BaconAngel: I was going to make a joke about hicks playing polo on quadbikes until I realize that would be fun as hell
James: i think that'd be more fun if instead of polo, it was like... deer hunting w/ spears.
BaconAngel: man what are you Ted Nugent
James: um. no?
come on, that'd be fun
throwing spears while riding four-wheelers? hell yes
BaconAngel: spears aren't very redneckish any more I don't think
unless Missouri is regularly being invaded by Greek phalanxes and I just missed the headline here
James: no, i suppose not. i just think it'd be fun
BaconAngel: big fan of deer hunting now are you?
James: i just like watching things die.
/cough
BaconAngel: well that's super
aren't you trying to be a defense attorney?
James: yep!
BaconAngel: that is not a quote that would give me much hope as your client
James: really? i put it on all my cover letters and at the top of my resume
BaconAngel: "Your honor, the defendant pleads guilty to the charge of embezzlement and we ask the court to be merciful in sentencing by giving him only 5-10 years in the electric chair."
James: hahahahaha
BaconAngel: "This is traffic court, sir."
"OH COME ON"
James: just... just fucking kill him already! wtf? >_<
yeah, i'd make quite a reputatoin for myself.
BaconAngel: "It's not like he's going to kill himself here!"
"...are you?"
"NO!"
"YOU SEE?! "

James: that'd be kinda funny, though. "how much do you charge for your services?" "oh, i don't have an hourly rate in cash. Mostly I just stab you."
BaconAngel: well you could spin it in your favor:
"I've never been convicted in any of the cases I've defended!"

[On Cooking Mama]
BaconAngel: FRIED OCTOPUS DUMPLINGS YE-HEAH FUCK YA
James: uh. awesome?
why the hell did you buy a cooking game?
BaconAngel: because if I don't learn to cook at some point in some fashion I am going to give myself a series of massive heart attacks by eating at Jack in the Box all the time
James: yeeeaahhhh, but this is a vidja-gaym.
just eat salads or something
youll be fine
BaconAngel: just let me live out my housewife fantasies okay James
James: haahhahahaha
ok, princess. you got it
BaconAngel: you're not going to get any octopus dumplings with that sort of attitude mister
James: uh huh

[On Final Fantasy 4]
BaconAngel: so yeah I totally suck at ff4
my problem is things keep beating me up

[On Oblivion]
I'm still ticked that Oblivion and Fable both did not, in fact, turn out to be GTA with swords
or rather Grand Theft Horse
because that's really how I wanted those games to play out
I want to put a horse in a catapult, then get on the horse, get catapulted, do a horse flip in the air and maybe land it, but more likely see the horse break all its legs on impact
BaconAngel: I mean they could just take GTA and replace the car models with horses and that'd be good
they could still make car noises with the crashes, I don't care
James: hahah
get some "realistic" damage on the horses?
like, you bump the wall, your horse's face gets all fucked up?
BaconAngel: just replace the car names with like "Shadowfax"
yeah
or like a bumper flys off and you're like "what the fuck?"

BaconAngel: also you know what else sucked about Oblivion, it was supposed to be epic as shit and you're supposed to fight the hell (but not really lol) army or whatever but I've seen ren-fest battles involving more people at any given time
James: oh, i hated oblivion
BaconAngel: yeah it was overrated
I got to the last main story mission and I was like ffffffffff this
because I just didn't care
I wanted GTA with horses and swords...and sword horses
oh man how awesome would that be
you just strap a bunch of swords to a horse so it's like a motherfucking death porcupine and then you just send it out racing into the enemy lines
man they'd be all WHAT THE FUCKETHHHHHHHHHH
James: hahaha

[On Game Design]
BaconAngel: I don't think anyone's ever going to give me a lead design position because I have too many awesome ideas
like if I were a designer on Madden, it wouldn't be a football game-
it would be a John Madden Simulator
"Warning, your supply of the word "Tremendous" is running out! Plug sponsor Cool Ranch Doritos to boost your Vapidity Stat"
"Your penchant for Doritos has made you too fat to fit in your sportscoat! Do you take the hit and go with the loose-fitting polo shirt, or do you put some of your Madden royalities towards Emergency Liposuction??"
BaconAngel: I wonder how pissed off the average madden fan would be to pick up Madden 2010 and find out it's actually about John Madden
I would guess, "very"
James: that'd make it worth doing by itself.
fuuuuck those guys
BaconAngel: yes well unfortunately the higher ups don't see the benefit of "cathartic spite" over "money", which is a shame

[On Kingdom Hearts]
BaconAngel: DARK HIP MICKEY MOUSE
WHY JAMES
James: what the hell?
BaconAngel: I've been informed that Kingdom Hearts 2 involves a "HIP, DARK MICKEY MOUSE"
one that wears a tracksuit and wields the top of a mosque as a cudgel
James: hahahahah
BaconAngel: this is a Square game
and therefore it is up to you why I should not proceed to nuke Japan from orbit
whilst saying
"GAME OVER MAN"
"GAME OVER!"
http://i132.photobucket.com/albums/q30/monkeequeen77/MickeyMouse.jpg
James: uh, was this the first you heard of kingdom hearts?
BaconAngel: http://www.tranism.com/weblog/images/kh2_fm_cutscene_mickey.jpg
I assumed it was just some harmless light fare bullshit
James: lol
BaconAngel: like LAH DEE DAH here are some pokemon kid idiots and OOH LOOK MICKEY MOUSE AWW and they save the fucking cotton candy kingdom or some shit
James: well, i think harmless light fare bullshit fairly sums it up
it's a decent action rpg, but w/e
BaconAngel: disney and squenix circle jerking each other, rather than square just going in for the straight up rape
James: hahahahashahaha
BaconAngel: I don't even like Mickey Mouse
but this is too much
someone just showed me a trailer for the psp kingdom hearts and there weren't any disney characters it was just some battle with non-child armored anime people
and I was all the hell
"the hell"
and then someone showed me that and now I am incensed
James: kinda too bad. kingdom hearts is pretty fun
BaconAngel: IT HAS A DARK HIP MICKEY MOUSE
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
James: yeah, if not for your odd proclivities, you'd probably enjoy it
BaconAngel: WHY NOT JUST MAKE A GAME ABOUT DAFFY DUCK DURING THE KRYSTALLNACHT
BECAUSE THAT'S JUST AS GOOD A MATCH
OR HOW ABOUT A CARTOON ABOUT POPEYE AS A SCENESTER TEENAGER IN AMSTERDAM
James: i had no idea you valued the sanctity of mickey mouse so much
BaconAngel: Walt Disney's casket is currently burrowing through the center of the earth, on a straight path for whoever thought that was a good idea
zombie disney will have the last laugh, and EVEN ZOMBIE DISNEY IS A BETTER IDEA
not everything has to have a can of angst spat at it in a futile and ridiculous attempt to make everything "slick" and "cool"
it's fucking Mickey Mouse for godssake
Mickey Mouse is practically a symbol for a pure lack of angst
you think little kids want to go to Disneyland for angst?
James: i'm having a hard time understanding why you care
BaconAngel: HEY HERE'S CINDERELLA CASTLE, WATCH TIMMY AS GOOFY LEAPS TO HIS DEATH AFTER DECIDING HIS LIFE IS NO LONGER WORTH LIVING
because it's MONUMENTALLY STUPID and it's a hideous example of stupid motherfuckers fucking with things they shouldn't fuck with because they are STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY FUCKIN WIT DAWG
it's like that Loonatics thing all over again but somehow even worse
James: kingdom hearts sold really well.
BaconAngel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93LI8rUVfeY
James: and it's a pretty well made game
BaconAngel: A REMINDER IF YOU DO NOT RECALL
couldn't it be good, while at the same time (and this is the important bit) not be RETARDED AS SHIT did their focus groups say
MAN THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY I WOULD PLAY THIS GAME:
AND THAT IS IF MICKEY MOUSE HAD SOME STREET CRED AND CHAVISH ATTITUDE
if they want to make an anime angst fest they already have anime angst characters to do it with
you don't need to anime angst up everything that has ever existed wholesale
Why not let's make a Madden crossover where all the football players are effeminite looking dudes and they only have one shoulder pad which they wear on the outside because that makes it "cooler"
is it really too much to ask, to make sure the upcoming generation of kids do not have their first exposure to Donald Duck involve eyeliner and him stabbing somebody in the face
faceless anime protagonist STURGTLOIX or whatever the fuck, sure
James: well, donald actually casts magic.
BaconAngel: DONALD DUCK IS A TALKING DUCK
DONALD DUCK IS A STUPID TALKING DUCK THAT GETS INTO ANTICS
DONALD DUCK DOES NOT CAST MAGIC
DONALD DUCK IS NOT AND IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE "COOL"
have you never seen a cartoon before?
do you honestly not see how fucking awful this shit is?
James: yeah, but... i just didn't care.
i didn't play the game for the story or characters, lol
BaconAngel: why didn't you play some other game that wasn't fucking stupid as shit
James: cuz the gameplay is pretty good
BaconAngel: YOU ARE VOTING FOR STUPID WITH YOUR DOLLARS
YES TO PROPOSITION RETARD
James: alright, either stop talking about this, or i'll talk to you later
BaconAngel: well what else can I be angry about
James: hhaaha
BaconAngel: can you think of anything
my floor is kind of dirty
but I'm not like
incensed about it
do you want to be incensed about it?
what are you senselessly angry about lately
James: uh... republicans usually
BaconAngel: I thought they were all killed

[On Boners]
James: hehe. better wear boner-concealing trousers just in case
BaconAngel: I don't have enough money for that, I was just going to write "NO ERECTION HERE" on the crotches of all the pants I already own
James: nice. subtle.
BaconAngel: perhaps an IKEA-style pictogram with a silhouette of a boner with a NO symbol over it would be more effective, should my pants find themselves with an international audience
James: haha.
otherwise that might be an amusing incident trying to describe what it means to someone who can't speak/read english well
BaconAngel: "Um, it means, uh...the..."GRANDE"...uh....
"PERO" in my PANTALONI is, uh..."NO GRANDE" uh..."MAINTENENT"."
James: hmm. then again, someone might misinterpret the sign to mean you can't.
BaconAngel: or that boners are simply not welcome in the area
like don't you dare
James: lol
BaconAngel: well what would you have
a dotted boner outline so it's like
OH MY
James: invisible boners!
BaconAngel: A BONER IS MISSING FROM THIS SPOT
WHERE HAS IT GONE OFF TO
perhaps a few cartoony police officers and Sherlock Homes investigating, question marks above their heads
perhaps labeling places where boners don't exist is a losing game
because you start that, and all of a sudden you start raising eyebrows to everything that isn't labeled as such
James: hahaha
BaconAngel: like, "Wait, the toaster? I don't want my toaster strudel in any place that I am not sure is and has been 100% boner free"
James: haha.
start putting that sign next to food
at restaurants
make people really wonder what the hell is going on at other places
BaconAngel: I am reminded of that Big Boy commercial where the spokesman was like WE USE KETCHUP SQUEEZE BOTTLES INSTEAD OF GLASS ONES BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHO'S FUCKED AROUND WITH THOSE GLASS ONES AND WE JUST WANT YOU TO BE SAFE
I think Big Boy might go for this idea
James: hahah
denny's, IHOP. it's perfect!
i do worry that the syrup has at some point contained boners
BaconAngel: I want to be assured that the Big Boy statue guy is not hiding anything under his overalls that isn't family appropriate
James: holy hell, why would he be hiding objects under his pants?
BaconAngel: International House of Penis?
Inappropriate Hard On Pancakes?
James: Intentionally Holistic Opulescent Pubes
BaconAngel: I Humped On Plates
James: hahaha
BaconAngel: I hope you didn't like IHOP before because now you'll never be able to go there again without thinking of this conversation
James: i'll be sure to bring it up w/ the waitstaff next time i'm there.
BaconAngel: "Have you had your penis in my short stack? Tell me the truth...""...Jessica."

[On Coolness]
BaconAngel: (if either of us ever have to redo 8th grade for some reason we are going to be very popular for our ability to make really stupid obscene wordplay jokes)
James: hahaha
that's nice to know. maybe this time around i can be popular. cuz all the cool kids love jokes about penises, right?
BaconAngel: well, it's either that or learn how to skateboard and dressing like the BK KIDS CLUB cartoon mascot
I mean you could still try it now , but I'd guess it wouldn't get you too far in the popular law school cliques
James: lol
BaconAngel: Sweet defense on the case bro? Hey want to go hang ten on the half-pipe during this 10 minute recess?
that probably wouldn't be too impressive
also I suppose most people would not want to hire a lawyer that arrives at court on a skateboard, bicycle, or Razor scooter
James: lol. i'd love to see a lawyer try to get it past security and then roll into the courtroom
BaconAngel: YOUR HONOR I WOULD LIKE TO SUBMIT THIS WHEELIE AS EVIDENCE OF HOW AWESOME I AM

[On Haze]
James: i didn't even try Haze. it sounded retarded and the reviews only confirmed that
BaconAngel: but it had moral dilemmas and drugs! (the moral dilemma I hear was trying not to use drugs when the game's drugs are supposed to be AWESOME with NO REASON NOT TO USE THEM)
James: hahah
BaconAngel: I guess that would be like taking Mario, and adding a grandmother that floated around the top of the screen and sighed disapprovingly every time you used a mushroom or flower
"You're not the sweet little Mario I used to know."

[On Adult Entertainment]
BaconAngel: question: is there any use for a webcam other than to make really bad amateur pornography?
James: um. i dunno. youtube is chalk full of them
BaconAngel: my mother got me one for christmas and I cannot think of a damn thing to do with it
James: welp. time to take up porn, i guess
BaconAngel: I mean I could make the aforementioned bad amateur pornography but I feel the only reason to do so would be to utilize my low sexual attractiveness and therefore lukewarm internet reception to get the Guiness World Record for World's Most Depressing Paypal Account

[On Prince of Persia]
BaconAngel: btw new prince in new prince of persia is kind of a dillweed
in case you care
you likely do not
BaconAngel: but so far it's got the overall feeling of a B-rate anime in terms of characterization and how often the dialogue revolves around how dire "GOOFY WORD" is
BaconAngel: you know like the execs got together and were like WE WANT THIS TO HAVE THE FEELING OF DIGIMON FOR THE TEEN-ADULT DEMOGRAPHIC, GO
BaconAngel: I probably wouldn't care if I had never played Sands of Time
but...I have
BaconAngel: I want to play a british-accented sarcastic dickhole, not an american-accented snarky cocksmuggler
BaconAngel: yeah I tried playing it with the Prince/Farah cheat skin option turned on to try to make me ignore the words coming out of his mouth, but I felt that was cheapening SoT prince after awhile
James: i thought the skins looked awful
BaconAngel: well, it's better than a guy that looks like he got dressed by running through a brothel-lord's clothesline
(I don't know if a "brothel-lord" is a real thing but dammit it should be)
James: brothel lord.
pimp?
BaconAngel: yes, but with more alligator skin trenchcoats and less feathers
James: king of whores
BaconAngel: in any case the point is the new prince is kinda stupid looking
and acting
like if I were his mom I'd be all "no Jeremy you can't go out looking like that. That's not the way scarves work."
(Also I'd name him Jeremy)
James: haha
BaconAngel: by the game's standards, an appropriately Persian sounding name
Jeremy Al-McMIllian

[On Force Unleashed]
BaconAngel: hmm, speaking of games that are kind of pretty good starring douchebag protagonists, is it worth $50 for Force Unleashed if I've already played through more than half of it (I think)
James: fuck that
get a not-shit game
BaconAngel: I think you underestimate how much I may enjoy throwing wookies into space
James: mostly i hate the game for fucking w/ the star wars canon
i hate george lucas for that
so much
it's the stupidest fucking addition to the official star wars storyline
w/ some of the most worthless characters
BaconAngel: but look, canon buttfuckery has been going on for the last decade or whatever now, and not a one of those other buttfuckeries has given you the ability to throw wookies into a pile of other wookies, and then throw them all into a TIE fighter in space
James: they coulda done that w/out canon fucking
BaconAngel: just think how much better Episode One would have been if you could throw a wookie at Jake Lloyd whenever you wanted "Are you an angel?" "NOPE!" [WOOKIE'D]
James: well, i read the expanded universe novels
and they have to write around these changes
sometimes they do an amusing job giving interesting reasons for the incredibly stupid things that have happened in the prequels
BaconAngel: hahaha, "You've seen the movie, now read the book to find out why it's not retarded!"
that's some powerful cross-marketing right there

James: i don't think i've read any books based on games
though i'm tempted to read one of the gears of wars ones; they got an author to write it that did a really good job w/ the clone wars stuff
BaconAngel: Somehow I feel like actually sitting down and reading the things the Gears of War characters actually say would be monumentally obnoxious
BaconAngel: "GRR," growled the incredibly beefy Marcus Fenix, "We're going to kill these bastards...up the ass."

James: other british authors writing star wars novels will throw in odd britishisms.
like, calling potatoes "tubers."
w/e the fuck that's about.
BaconAngel: BLIMEY ROG, GET ARTOO IN THE BOOT BEFORE THOSE TIES GET THE JUMP ON THIS LORRY

[On Fantasy Illustration]
BaconAngel: you are into fantasy horseshit, what sort of fantasy horseshit would make you pick up a book with fantasy horseshit on the cover
James: lol, what?
BaconAngel: I need illustration ideas
James: what's the subject matter?
BaconAngel: and I do not see eye-to-eye so much with the fantasy-consuming demographic that consumes much of illustration target market
that's what I'm asking you about!
James: uh
BaconAngel: knights and elves or what
James: lol, so like. are you just doing one for practice?
BaconAngel: what gives dorks dork-boners
pretty much
James: dork-boner, lol
lemme think then
BaconAngel: I mean I could make up my own shit
BaconAngel: but it would probably be ridiculous because that's what I would want to see
James: lol
BaconAngel: well, hrmph
BaconAngel: in any case I need to come up with something that I can show to dork-content companies and make them go DAMN SON YOU GOTS TO GET PAIIIIIIIIIIIID
James: lol
well... how about doing stills of like pre or post-battle poses?
BaconAngel: I imagine Wizards of the Coast and Tor as basically extras from 70's exploitation movies, yes, before you ask BEFORE: DUDE IN ARMOR
AFTER: DEAD DUDE IN ARMOR
James: well, uh
i meant of the dude who won
or is about to win
you know - the hero
or at least one of the main characters
or just standing around looking badass.
BaconAngel: you can see where my natural tendencies lead me astray
James: those are good too
hahaha
oh - hot chicks w/ weapons who look like they can actually fight
dorks will get a dork-boner over that
and possibly a normal boner, too
so.... bonus!
BaconAngel: see if I did that I'd be tempted to err on the "can actually fight" side more than the "hot" side just to be contrary to stereotypes
James: well, you don't need humongoid boobies
BaconAngel: so I'd probably end up with a girl with a bit of meat on her
James: just make her look thin, w/ a nice ass
and normal boobies
w/ a tight enough outfit you can see curves
BaconAngel: I would like to see someone actually try to fight with the attire most fantasy art women wear
HA! I HAVE PARRIED YOUR BLOW WITH MY STEEL THONG
James: yeah, i hear that. it's pretty hilarious
BaconAngel: I WILL NOW SMITE YOU WITH MY SWORD, BREASTICLES
my feeling is if I am to draw what basically amounts to smut, I should just go ahead and draw smut
James: well, that's the thing - it doesn't have to be smut
you do'nt have to follow the BS tradition
BaconAngel: I'm not sure if there's a market for books with covers of a woman in full plate armor punching Tarzan in the nads though
there ought to be, but I'm not sure if that's going to get me hired anywhere
James: come on, i'm sure you can do something that's both appealing and vaaaguely practical.
BaconAngel: how about a naked woman in a 72' Stingray Corvette with a machine gun on it driving over some cavalry units
James: hahahah
slick
BaconAngel: this is a more practical way of fighting cavalry units than most other ways
and it appeals to me at least
too bad I'm not in the fantasy novel/CCG/wolf-shirt consuming demographic
BaconAngel: I would be a rich man if Borders had a section labeled, "Hysterical Bullshit" in it
containing such rich works of mine such as FACE-MAN VERSUS TANK CASTLE

BaconAngel: god reading slashdot and thinking of really bad ideas has given me a really REALLY bad idea
a horror/romance/suspense novel about particle physicists:
Spooky Action at Close Distance
James: hahahah
i would read that. if i were really bored.
and had nothign else.
but id read it.
BaconAngel: naturally with a cover of a chick in a lab coat making out with some huge beefcake in a labcoat that fails to conceal his 48 rippling abdominal muscles
James: oh, i prefer thinking of both of them as nerds.
the chick is totally hot, and i'm sure the guy is handsome, but totally nerds
BaconAngel: he'd have extremely out of place nerd glasses
that's how art directors say NEEEEEEEEERDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
James: hahaha
funny cuz it's true.
BaconAngel: specifically I'm imagining a live-action version of Egon from the cartoon version of ghostbusters, only with the roid rage
James: hahahahaha
i love it
well, i hate it
but i love it

BaconAngel: I have posted our "fantasy horseshit illustration" conversation upon the internets and the reaction is thus;
" If your chat log were a film script I would imagine you holding him James up against a wall, and his laughter would be the nervous "oh shit this guy is going to fucking kill me" kind of laughter that only the interrogated are capable of."
James: hahahahahah
BaconAngel: I apologize if I have subjected you to stress that one normally does not experience except as a result of having one of more Jack Bauers present in the room
James: that's awesome
BaconAngel: someone else said you appeared "scarred". And then later, "scared."
I don't know which one they actually meant
James: pfft
BaconAngel: this is going to be a real problem for me if I ever need to carry on an instant message conversation that requires me not to look like a belligerant psychopath
James: yeah, if i didn't know you, i might be scared.
shitless.
BaconAngel: why would I have that conversation with some random-ass motherfucker though?
like I'm going to go up to somebody's grandma and be like "SO YOU WANT TO SEE DECAPITATED ORCS OR WHAT"
James: hee hee
just walk up to some random dude. "HEY!. HEY YOU." "um. me?" "YES. I WANT YOUR OPINION ON FANTASY NOVEL COVER ART."

[On God of War 3]
BaconAngel: well, the appeal isn't just the gore
otherwise Mortal Kombat would be a good game
James: well, yeah
BaconAngel: it's Kratos being a dick
BaconAngel: a dick to the gods
BaconAngel: but will Kratos be a bigger asshole than before is the question
James: i strongly suspect so
BaconAngel: will he fuck Zeus's mom on his front porch while farting and punching Hermes' dog?
inquiring minds want to know
James: well, this one is about the titans... so i suppose it's possible
but then again
zeus' mom has to be huge
wow
disgusting mental picture
BaconAngel: the potential for Greek mythology-themed Yo Mama jokes alone is worth the price
James: excellent
BaconAngel: Your mother is so corpulent that when she she hangs around Mount Olympus, she hangs around Mount Olympus!
Zeus: FORSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH!!!

[On The Wire]
 BaconAngel: I know Alan Moore of The Watchmen (comic not the movie) fame likes it...which is weird, because I thought he hated everything ever including the sun
James: hahahaha
BaconAngel: which it's like, I respect his opinion and in writing he seems like a smart kinda dude
but then he looks like this http://www.chrismclaren.com/blog/wp-content/images/2007/02/Alan_Moore.jpg
and I am like AGH I don't want to agree with that guy!
he looks like he's the leader of one of those UFO cults
you're not a leader of a UFO cult, are you?
I just want to make sure that I don't have to be one to enjoy "The Wire"
James: holy balls that's a horrid visage
anyway, um.
no, you can be totally normal and like the wire
BaconAngel: well I think the world would be a much odder place if I was considered "normal", but ok
James: hahaha. uh. yeah, i guess i wouldn't classify you as "normal." nor myself, really.
lemme rephrase - you dojn't have to be a fuckin whack job to like the Wire
people of all types like the Wire
it's okay to like the Wire
START LIKING IT
BaconAngel: OK
I WILL LIKE IT SO HARD MY TV WILL TURN ITSELF ON AND START PLAYING THE WIRE OUT OF FEAR

[On the Past]
BaconAngel: man it's weird looking at things you've said previously and being like "why the hell did I say that?"
example:
" James: he wasn't even being mean, he just told her to speak up. like 3 times.
cuz she wouldn't speak the fuck up
BaconAngel: maybe she had a...dog in her throat?"
James: hahahahahaha
BaconAngel: what the fuck?
what does that even mean
James: maybe you are a whack job. good for you!
BaconAngel: no wonder people think I'm crazy, it's all because I keep making the mistake of being crazy
James: a mistake? really?
BaconAngel: well I don't want to look legitimately fucked up
just a "ha ha!" fucked up
James: /backs up against a wall. "haa haa..........."
BaconAngel: god dammit
STOP BEING SCARED JAMES
I AM NOT GOING TO SET YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE

Update: 7-4-2008
[On Film Titles]
 BaconAngel: WITHDRAWAL
Pseudonym: something less "pretentious art film"
BaconAngel: I was thinking less "pretentious art film" and more "sepia tones slick VHS box with a lot of black-shadowed guys looking brooding and maybe a pistol and a faded out explosion way way in the background
BaconAngel: The "not worst Direct to Video monie you ever saw, but still" kind of movie
BaconAngel: DOSTOYEVSkY'S CRIME AND PUNISHERS
BaconAngel: THE LIFE AND DEATH OF DEAD MEN DYING AND LIVING
BaconAngel: I officially suggest you title your whatever it is "RUN DOWN THE MOTHERFUCKERS WITH A CAR"
BaconAngel: maybe not totally accurate to what you had in mind but you can rest easy that it won't easily be mistaken for anything else in the same genre
BaconAngel: also I do not know what this film is about or if it supposed to be any good but this is an example of an awesome film title: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00153CLNA/103-5459828-7685415
BaconAngel: though it does have the stink of Italian directorship all over it
BaconAngel: THROW OUT YOUR SPOILED BUTTER YOU DUNKOFF is also a good title
BaconAngel: I WILL GLADLY PAY FOUR MILLION UNITED STATES GREENBACKS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE
BaconAngel: more exploitation titles
BaconAngel: KILL EVERYONE KILL EVERYTHING AND BURN THE CHILDREN
BaconAngel: TEN THOUSAND MURDERS AND THE ANGEL-FACED KILLER
BaconAngel: SLAUGHTER ON THE DOCKS
BaconAngel: man thinking of this ridiculous shit I came up with a good Isaac Hayes Shaft theme style line that I can't use for anything
BaconAngel: HELL ON THE STREETS, HEAVEN IN THE BEDSHEETS
Pseudonym: i wonder how an epic, thoughtful movie like SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION will make me go "huh. that's cool i guess" but then something like Versus will truly "SPEAK TO ME"
BaconAngel: maybe you would be won over by the Morgan Freeman/Tim Robbins swordfight in the deleted scenes of the special edition DVD version
BaconAngel: DAMN YOU TO HELL! and DAMN YOU TO HELL 2: DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL
BaconAngel: I really do hope you go with an italian exploitation style overly verbose and extremely over the top title like this
BaconAngel: THE BLACK HAND ON RED STREETS
Pseudonym: BANG BANG PART 2: BLAM BLAM
BaconAngel: HERE IS YOUR GRAVE (box art is someone pointing a bazooka at the viewer)
BaconAngel: preferably with a hologram so it follows the viewer too
Pseudonym: DESTRUCTION PRODUCTION
Pseudonym: A PRODUCTION ABOUT DESTRUCTION!
BaconAngel: A FACE SCULPTED BY BULLETS
BaconAngel: THIS IS NOT MY REVENGE, IT IS YOUR FUNERAL
BaconAngel: BLOOD ON THE PAVEMENT
BaconAngel: that probably has already been used
BaconAngel: CONCRETE BURN
BaconAngel: with box art of an extreme close-up of some dude's face that's been ROUGHED UP lying on the sidewalk
BaconAngel: with extreme FRANK MILLER STYLE black and white art
BaconAngel: THEY CALLED HIM SPIDER MARHONE
BaconAngel: am I not winning you over with these amazing titles
BaconAngel: I hope I am because otherwise I know you are just gonna pick something WAY CRAPPIER like PETER AND THE PETUNIA PATROL
BaconAngel: or DILLY DALLY DAYS
Pseudonym: "ROLLING STONE SAYS 'THIS IS THE TYPE OF MOVIE YOU SEE FOR $1 IN THE VHS BARGAIN BIN AT A VIDEO RENTAL STORE'"
Pseudonym: "TIME MAGAZINE SAYS 'YOU CAN REALLY BELIEVE THIS MOVIE WAS SHOT ON A $37 BUDGET"
BaconAngel: also this conversation started with some good titles
BaconAngel: HE'S A CRIMINAL
BaconAngel: and
BaconAngel: BURN HIM ALIVE
BaconAngel: NO-MERCY TRACTOR HELL
BaconAngel: I think I would watch a movie called BURN HIM ALIVE
BaconAngel: I would not reccomend this quote as a title:
BaconAngel: "YOUR PEACEFUL WAYS WILL NOT WORK, PUSSY."
BaconAngel: but I want to see that on a shelf somewhere regardless
BaconAngel: potentially with Danny Trejo growling at the camera

[On Poetry]
 BaconAngel: you know, I think whoever decided haikus should be taught in schools should be knuckle-slapped in the head
BaconAngel: what a fucking waste of time
BaconAngel: who is stupid enough to look at haikus and be like
BaconAngel: THIS IS IMPORTANT
BaconAngel: THIS MEANS SOMETHING
BaconAngel: no you jag-off, it isn't and it's not

[On Driver's Education]
 BaconAngel: I have to spend the hour before I go to bed scouring this stupid driver's ed handbook for random facts so I don't fail the DRIVER'S LICENESE WRITTEN EXAM because I thought it woul dbe OK to start signalling 110 feet before a turn instead of 100 feet
BaconAngel: and other stupid shit
BaconAngel: maybe this won't take an hour
Pseudonym: wow
Pseudonym: geez
BaconAngel: but I plan to be fairly distracted with nothing in particular
Pseudonym: is that for your CALI4NIA DRIVOUR'S LISENSE
BaconAngel: because like balls am I going to take this shit twice
BaconAngel: yes
Pseudonym: OK
BaconAngel: what this is dumb
Pseudonym: AREN'T YOU A BUNDLE OF JOY AND POSITIVE ENERGY, KELVIS
BaconAngel: REMEMBER- IF A PEDESTRIAN MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH YOU, HE OR SHE IS READY TO CROSS THE STREET. YIELD TO THE PEDESTRIAN
BaconAngel: I didn't know I was legally able to stop cars by looking at the drivers in any given situation
BaconAngel: I am kind of offended at the poor quality illustrations in this driver's ed manual
BaconAngel: I should just let it go
BaconAngel: I don't have the energy to be mad at everything
BaconAngel: IF YOU SEE ANIMALS OR LIVESTOCK SLOW DOWN AND OBEY THE PERSON IN CHARGE OF THE ANIMALS
BaconAngel: man this system is just WIDE OPEN for abuse
BaconAngel: I GOT A SHEEP AND I SAY YOU JUST TURN RIGHT THE FUCK AROUND, CAR MAN.
BaconAngel: god this is dry, maybe I should read a foreign language version instead just to spice things up
BaconAngel: hmm, I guess the Punjabi version leaves something to be desired in terms of comprehesibility
BaconAngel: I think if you have to point out to someone that it's illegal to make a U-turn on a one way street they deserve to get hit
BaconAngel: this is depressing
BaconAngel: I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
BaconAngel: I love when educational things include the phrase "...is often called ..." because most of the time it is never called that outside of educational things
BaconAngel: like the blind spot of a large truck being called a NO ZONE
BaconAngel: I have never heard that before in my entire fucking life
BaconAngel: and I don't think I'll hear it ever again
BaconAngel: IT IS A TRAFFIC OFFENSE TO SCARE HORSES
BaconAngel: DON'T HONK YOUR HORN AT A BLIND PERSON
BaconAngel: I think that should be like
BaconAngel: an 11th commandment right there
BaconAngel: do not use your telephone while in the "CONE ZONE"
BaconAngel: I bet all the driver's ed handbook writers were giving each other high-fives when they thought up the term CONE ZONE
BaconAngel: I like this one
BaconAngel: "DO NOT shoot firearms on a highway or at traffic signs"
BaconAngel: but I guess on a city street it's OK

[On Medical Malpractice]
 Pseudonym: why do people name diseases after themselves after they discover them?
BaconAngel: yes, they should name diseases after people they personally despise
BaconAngel: YOU KNOW WHAT LARRY, THIS ONE'S FOR YOU
BaconAngel: THIS GUY'S GOT LARRY'S DISEASE
BaconAngel: I CALLED IT
BaconAngel: AND YOU CAN'T UNCALL IT
BaconAngel: YOU ARE SADDLED TO THIS GUY'S FESTERING ASS RASH FOR LIFE, LARRY

[On Fashions of Yesteryear]
 BaconAngel: ever notice how ugly "attractive women" were in the 80's?
BaconAngel: like whenever you're watching an 80's movie and the main dude chraracter looks at 'romantic interest' and goes like "rawr I am a man htat would hit that given the opprotunity" I am always like, "I am not a man that would hit that because I have standards"
Pseudonym: yes, they had huge fucked up afros and sheep-like hair
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: sheep-like hair
BaconAngel: yes
BaconAngel: that is the perfect description
Pseudonym: ha
Pseudonym: the woman in scarface
Pseudonym: tony's sister
Pseudonym: has the sheep hair
BaconAngel: what is with the sudden love of Scarface
BaconAngel: are you wading into the public pool that is faux urban thuggishness?

[On Karate Kid]
 BaconAngel: KARATE KID IS NOT A GOOD FILM
Pseudonym: of course not man
Pseudonym: was that your first time watching?
BaconAngel: well yeah
Pseudonym: dude, that last kick was the worst
BaconAngel: I think I saw it when I was like 3
Pseudonym: he just stands there, MAKING IT VERY OBVIOUS WHAT FOOT HE IS GOING TO KICK FROM
Pseudonym: and the guy tries to head butt his foot
BaconAngel: so it's the first time seeing it after I gained the capacity to remember things
BaconAngel: yes
BaconAngel: even without that shit
Pseudonym: NOT ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE
BaconAngel: I do not believe for one second ralph maccio knew any karate whatsoever at any point in the entire movie
BaconAngel: in fact
Pseudonym: RALPH
BaconAngel: I think he knew less about fighting than "default human"
BaconAngel: I wonder how many kids did two months of household chores and than got their ass handed to them by a gaggle of hardcore sociopaths because of this film
BaconAngel: I can't help but notice that there was surprisingly little karate in the film
BaconAngel: I mean
Pseudonym: "TAKING OUT THE TRASH" is an effective way to learn how to take out the trash on the street.
BaconAngel: not even the fake-don't-really-know-what-the-fuck-they-are-doing-karate
BaconAngel: there is like
BaconAngel: 10 minutes of karate in the whole movie
Pseudonym: sheesh
BaconAngel: that is a substandard karate to not karate ratio
Pseudonym: let's make a movie called "RACE CAR KID" and then at the very end of the movie have him sit inside a race car for 10 minutes, but not start the engine, and the plot of the movie will be about a child who is afraid of sitting inside race cars by himself, but overcomes his fear when he finds himself trapped inside a race car.
BaconAngel: haha
Pseudonym: we can just film inside a dismantled car at a junkyard as long as there are no other messed up cars in the shot
BaconAngel: this is like non-hit film Ragin' Cajun all over again
BaconAngel: which purported to be about kickboxing on the box
BaconAngel: and in fact said "MORE KICKS THAN KICKBOXER"
BaconAngel: and some other line that was "MORE __________ THAN _________ __________ "that I forgot
BaconAngel: put in fact featured 3 minutes total for kickboxing
Pseudonym: MORE PUNCHES THAN PUNCHBOXER
BaconAngel: and the rest was about singing acousic Christian light rock if I remember correctly
BaconAngel: there was some guy in the hospital for like being crazy but I don't even remember what kind of crazy and besides who gives a shit
BaconAngel: it wasn't a cool kind of crazy
BaconAngel: where he was all I AM CRAZY ABOUT KICKBOXING I AM A CRAZY KICKBOXER
BaconAngel: THE CRAZY GUY DID NOT KICKBOX
BaconAngel: AND THAT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF
BaconAngel: WHAT THE FUCK RAGIN KARATE CAUJIN KID

[On Transhumanism]
 BaconAngel: is this that "TEAMWORK" I've been hearing about in the newspapers?
Pseudonym: YES
BaconAngel: but what does this do to your "CHARISMASTIC LONER/HERO PERSONA"?
Pseudonym: man, if you wanna be a BUSINESSMAN, you've gotta face the HARD FACTS, and that is, "YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH OTHERS, DESPITE THE WHOLE ARTIST'S THING ABOUT BEING ANTISOCIAL AND ETC"
Pseudonym: it's a fine line
BaconAngel: your "friends" won't be able to help you in the upcoming cyborg uprising
BaconAngel: there's no such thing as magic or supernatural powers
BaconAngel: JUST CUTTING EDGE TECHNOLOGY
Pseudonym: oh yeah.... your heart's on the right.
BaconAngel: I'm reading a book by Ray Kurzweil and his quasi-religious fervor about technology kind of makes you want to stick a computer in your brain RIGHT NOW
BaconAngel: or go watch Ghost in the Shell
Pseudonym: man, ray kurzweil is fuckin crazy
BaconAngel: yeah I know
BaconAngel: but he's an interesting kind of crazy
BaconAngel: which is more than most people are so that puts him ahead of the game
Pseudonym: :]
Pseudonym: HELLO I AM CRAZY
Pseudonym: BUT IT IS DUMB CRAZY
Pseudonym: PPFFT PFFFT
Pseudonym: PFGHFLGBLBLGBLGLGHLGHLGBHLG
Pseudonym: BAHGBLAGHAG BGALB GABL GA HBGA BAG BGA BAG
Pseudonym: DEE DEE DEE
BaconAngel: shut up you fucking idiot

[On Gastronomic Science]
 BaconAngel: is there a way to decimate a bag of white and black jelly beans and reassemble them into one, giant grey jelly bean?
BaconAngel: otherwise what the fuck good is this shit
BaconAngel: because that shit is terrible
Pseudonym: not that i know
BaconAngel: and a giant grey jelly bean would be still terrible
BaconAngel: but it would be REMARKABLY so
BaconAngel: like people would see it and go AAAGH
BaconAngel: instead of right now where they'd go 'mnyrgh.'
BaconAngel: you know this is a very inane stream of thought here but if I managed insert it into some kind of pretentious book all the academics would be all over the metaphorical implications like disease on a gas station toilet seat
Pseudonym: niiiiiice analogy

[On a Sandwich]
 BaconAngel: my god this sandwich is tremendous
Pseudonym: s.....sand......wich?
BaconAngel: or "torta"
BaconAngel: my god
BaconAngel: that sandwich
BaconAngel: like if that sandwich were a woman it would be a smoking hot woman, but so much bigger than your usual smoking hot woman
BaconAngel: I'm talking like a 7'1" smoking hot woman
BaconAngel: that was quite a sandwich
BaconAngel: an all-day kinda sandwich
BaconAngel: so much sandwich it is two meals
Pseudonym: man
Pseudonym: i'm hungry now
Pseudonym: fukor
BaconAngel: I can't believe it, I got it at a restaurant, saved half and had it in the fridge for a couple hours, then it had to endure my hour long car ride home
BaconAngel: and STILL
BaconAngel: 2 minutes in the microwave and BAM
BaconAngel: GOOD AS NEW
BaconAngel: I have never seen any kind of sandwich with that kind of staying power
BaconAngel: I am seriously blown the fuck away by this sandwich
BaconAngel: like man, if you paypal me the necessary $8.50 plus postage I will mail one of these sandwiches to you

[On Personal Conversations]
 BaconAngel: uh huh
BaconAngel: yeah
BaconAngel: uh huh
BaconAngel: ok
BaconAngel: y...yeah
BaconAngel: ok
BaconAngel: hmm
BaconAngel: WELCOME TO ONE SIDE OF EVERY TELEPHONE CONVERSATION WITH MY MOTHER
BaconAngel: GUESS WHICH SIDE

[On Church]
 Pseudonym: Then they were like "okay guys, we'll gonna get WILD with the music and bring out the tambourine!"
BaconAngel: most american churches are built like
BaconAngel: american churches are to European churches as Disneyland "world exhibits" or whatever they are called are to actual other parts of the world
BaconAngel: I mean they SORT OF resemble what a real church OUGHT to look like but it's all half-assed and cheap feeling
BaconAngel: but maybe other people have enough faith that they can overlook shoddy architecture more than I can
BaconAngel: and yes church music
BaconAngel: GOD
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: it's bad enough normally
BaconAngel: but when they pull out an acoustic guitar and try to "jazz it up" it makes it even more unbearable
BaconAngel: it's kind of like watching a mid-50's aunt of yours get a little bit tipsy and without realizing it so much trying to do a 'modern-style dance' at a wedding reception but she hasn't picked up on the fact that that particular dance was originally somewhat suggestive in nature
BaconAngel: it's like
BaconAngel: man
BaconAngel: don't embarass yourself
BaconAngel: can't you maintain at least a little dignity if you're going to be so dull anyway and just keep it together

BaconAngel: the acoustic guitar is the default "hey let's be non-threatening" instrument
BaconAngel: like a tambourine or recorder but slightly less awful
Pseudonym: the tambourine is totally the "kill move" instrument in church music
Pseudonym: when they really want to GO WILD with a song in church
Pseudonym: they bust out the tambourine and shake it like nobody's business
BaconAngel: totally.
Pseudonym: or like
Pseudonym: they'll have CYMBALS
Pseudonym: or a TRUMPET
Pseudonym: aw man
Pseudonym: they're only like 600 years behind in music technology!
BaconAngel: before I heard that tambourine part in "The King of Glory", I was like "man I don't believe in that shit"
BaconAngel: but then it happened and I was like YES
BaconAngel: TRULY THIS IS A SIGN OF DIVINE PRESENCE

[On Fortune Cookies]
 BaconAngel: this fortune cookie is telling me to not fill out my tax forms and go play Prince of Persia
Pseudonym: ?
BaconAngel: "Do not put off until tomorrow what can be enjoyed today"
BaconAngel: it's not like I can enjoy doing my taxes
BaconAngel: but I CAN enjoy playing Prince of Persia
BaconAngel: this fortune cookie is an irresponsible dick though
BaconAngel: I think maybe fortune cookie should have to pay taxes so they get some sense of fuckin' RESPONSIBILITY

[On Pitches]
 BaconAngel: it's almost summer, time to start pitching christmas specials
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: HO HO HO HORSE
Pseudonym: you're out of your damned mind
BaconAngel: What happens when a lowly horse has to take over for Santa Claus during Christmas Eve? STAY TUNED AND FIND OUT. (Channel 4, 7:30pm Wed. Rating **/*****)
Pseudonym: "A Green Christmas"
Santa's in a jam when his sleigh breaks down in the tropical land of Hawaii! Will Santa survive in a land without Christmas snow? (Channel 3, 3:00am Tue. Rating *1/2/*****)

[On The Youths]
 Pseudonym: FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR
BaconAngel: do the kids still say that
BaconAngel: "FRESH"
BaconAngel: like man this produce is totally FRESH, yo
BaconAngel: or hey that kids that just started highschool is a FRESH man
BaconAngel: I don't like it
BaconAngel: don't think FRESH works for me
Pseudonym: yeah
Pseudonym: i don't know
Pseudonym: DOPE
Pseudonym: FLY
BaconAngel: it doesn't make the cut to get into my personal slang depository
Pseudonym: WACK
Pseudonym: i think our diction style makes us sound like crotchety old men
Pseudonym: since we're not HIP to the DEOPFLYWACKTIGHTBROIT'STRAIGHT
BaconAngel: dagnabbit
BaconAngel: kids today
BaconAngel: not just diction style
Pseudonym: HEY DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE CLUB
Pseudonym: LOL
Pseudonym: I WAS SO DRUNK FRIDAY
Pseudonym: JERRY WAS DRUNK TOO
Pseudonym: LOL
Pseudonym: LET'S TAKE PICTURES AT THE CLUB LOL
Pseudonym: IT WILL BE PICTURES OF BEING DRUNK
BaconAngel: like when I see a dude with a basketball jersey on and a baseball cap with the brim titled to one side I kind of want to punch him
BaconAngel: you know I think that maybe people should just stop applying 'athletic clothes' as street attire in general
BaconAngel: basketball shoes, jersies, baseball hats, track suits, bike shorts
BaconAngel: they can all go
BaconAngel: go fuck themselves
Pseudonym: yeah
Pseudonym: "hey, i'm casually buying a sandwich at the local deli WHILE looking like i could beat everyone's ass in a layup contest"
BaconAngel: why stop there if that makes sense, why don't you wear a wetsuit or skateboard pads all the time them
BaconAngel: or just like a parachute
BaconAngel: I AM SO EXTREME AND SKYDIVERISH I NEED A PARACHUTE ON AT ALL TIMES
Pseudonym: "hey, you'd better think twice about pulling that knife, i'm a pretty tough shortstop, and often i pick up balls and throw them back to the pitcher after they have been hit by the hitter, motherfucker"
BaconAngel: maybe I should just regard the wear of "popular sports apparel" as tragedy
Pseudonym: "you wanna mess with me, bitch? not when i've got my umpire jersey you don't. i'll _blow the whistle_ on any kind of shit you try, asshole"
Pseudonym: well i guess that'd be a "uniform" not a "jersey"
BaconAngel: clothes that say, "my choice to rely on my althelic ability over my wits or honest labor has led to this sorry state of affairs"
BaconAngel: clinging to dreams they can never achieve
BaconAngel: in a way
BaconAngel: it's kind of like a grown man walking around with a plastic ray gun all the time
BaconAngel: or a firefighter's or cowboy hat
BaconAngel: ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE WAS A VIDEO RANGER
BaconAngel: pew pew pew (SOB)
BaconAngel: take that, video...bad guys.
BaconAngel: (takes a swimg of scotch)

[On Philanthropy]
 Pseudonym: adults with huge buildings constructed in their name who are so proud of it are the equivalent of 5 year olds at the playgroud going "HEY HEY HEY, SEE MY NEW TRUCK? THE DOORS EVEN OPEN AND CLOSE, I LIKE MY NEW TRUCK. NEW TRUCK."
Pseudonym: power and status in the adult world all ends up stemming from some ridiculous childish instinct
BaconAngel: if for some goddamned reason I get a building named after me that is going to be my GRAND OPENING speech
BaconAngel: HEY HEY HEY SEE MY NEW BUILDING
BaconAngel: THE DOORS EVEN OPEN AND CLOSE
BaconAngel: (demonstrates)
BaconAngel: I LIKE MY NEW BUILDING
BaconAngel: NEW BUILDING!!!!!
BaconAngel: (RUNS IN ARMS FLAILING)
BaconAngel: YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!
Pseudonym: awesome

[On DJing]
 Pseudonym: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww shit man
Pseudonym: in 6 hours i'm djing
Pseudonym: 6 muthafuckin' hours
Pseudonym: dude there's actually a lot more to it than i thought
Pseudonym: it actually requires some SKILL to match up the tracks, much like CONNECTING LEGOS PROPERLY
BaconAngel: I am sure everyone will be too busy snorting or eating or licking or whatever you do with "X" to notice anyway so don't sweat it
Pseudonym: fortunately there is a way to bail out, which is a quick fadeoutfadein and nobody ever notices that
Pseudonym: so yeah
Pseudonym: even if you fuck up completely, nobody will tell except the other djs, who know i'm beginning anyway
BaconAngel: they won't be heckling you from the bar then
BaconAngel: YOU CALL THAT A TRACK SWITCH
BaconAngel: I COULD SWITCH A TRACK BETTER THAN THAT WITH BOTH MY HANDS TIED BEHIND MY ASS
Pseudonym: HEY I NOTICED THAT YOUR "BEAT" WAS .03 SECONDS MISMATCHED FROM THE PREVIOUS SONG'S "BEAT". THIS BEER NO LONGER GETS ME DRUNK, AND THE WOMEN IN THE BAR ARE NOW ALL UGLY, AND I'M HAVING A TERRIBLE EXPERIENCE!
Pseudonym: it's probably more like this:
1) in event of matched beats-
DRUNK GUY: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
2) in event of mismatched beats
DRUNK GUY: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Pseudonym: maybe i'll put a confusing track on the tracklist
Pseudonym: like someone shouting "EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE BUILDING WE'RE CLOSED"
Pseudonym: but that's just the title of the song! :)
Pseudonym: and see who TAKES THE BAIT
BaconAngel: in the middle of HARDCORE TECHNO CLUB you should just throw in a cheesy HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG with BALLOONS and SPARKLERS
BaconAngel: WE'VE GOT A VERY SPECIAL DAY FOR LANA ALBERTSON SITTING AT THE BAR
Pseudonym: i'm laughing like an idiot in my cubicle
BaconAngel: awesome
Pseudonym: yeah
Pseudonym: i was thinking of a TRICK SONG
BaconAngel: my plan is to make everyone around you think you are crazy
Pseudonym: but i think it would reflect poorly on my reception of this organization allowing me to dj even when i don't know a damn thing about it
Pseudonym: they probably already do
BaconAngel: "DON' TALK TO PSEUDONYM WHEN HE'S LIKE THAT HE'S GOT THE CRAZIES"
BaconAngel: "PROBABLY GOT IT FROM THAT DARNED INTERNET"
Pseudonym: maybe i'll put a phone message in as a wav
Pseudonym: "SORRY I CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW."
Pseudonym: (silence)
BaconAngel: just record an ad off the radio and play it
BaconAngel: it'll make you look like the laziest dj ever
BaconAngel: HEY HE IS JUST PLAYING THE RADIO
BaconAngel: WHAT THE HELL I CAME HERE FOR REAL DJING
BaconAngel: IF I KNEW THAT THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN I WOULD HAVE JUST GOTTEN DRUNK AT HOME

[On Dream Interpretation]
 BaconAngel: man I need to stop looking up these stupid online dream interpretation things every 3 months or so
BaconAngel: no matter what it comes up with something less exciting than if I hadn't bothered
BaconAngel: it's like horoscopes except it's more like if someone graffitti'd the horoscope on your car
BaconAngel: and it told you to fuck off
Pseudonym: i had an extremely vivid dream the other night
BaconAngel: LET ME MAKE IT BANAL FOR YOU
Pseudonym: and i kind of wanna check out what kinds of interpretations there are
BaconAngel: WITH THE POWER OF THE INTERNET
Pseudonym: WHOAWAHOWAHOW OK
BaconAngel: http://www.dreammoods.com/
BaconAngel: this place blows
Pseudonym: ugh
Pseudonym: i don't like how whoosh.wav plays when i put my cursor over ANYTHING
Pseudonym: i can't look at it anymore
BaconAngel: AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE CONTENT YET
Pseudonym: they scared a potential consumer away
Pseudonym: their ads SCARED AWAY A VISITOR
BaconAngel: they must be trying to capture the "don't have their speakers turned on" demographic
Pseudonym: that's a big dollar there
BaconAngel: maybe there is another site that sucks less
Pseudonym:
www.dreaminterpretationsthatsucklessthanthatothersite.com
BaconAngel: I'm not sure the kind of person that would set up a dream interpretation site in the first place could muster up the kind of vitroil to make such an attack
BaconAngel: I imagine these people are more into sweatpants and sweatpant-like things like beanie babies
BaconAngel: just a guess
BaconAngel: the whole 'soft and not respectable' vibe
BaconAngel: man some of this shit is just like
BaconAngel: I am just saying that I question the scientific method and reproducibility of these results
BaconAngel: "To dream that you sell a pair of soiled, gray cotton gloves to a woman, foretells that your opinion of women will place you in hazardous positions."
BaconAngel: like how often does this come up

[On Baby Names]
 Pseudonym: DARCY
Pseudonym: who names their kid DARCY anymore
Pseudonym: i knew a DARCY in 2nd grade
Pseudonym: she was nice
Pseudonym: ......but her name was darcy.
BaconAngel: I also knew a Darcy and I think I told you about it and I was like "what a fucking retarded name"
BaconAngel: "Darcy _______"
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: how does that happen
Pseudonym: that name will never know success
Pseudonym: i hope she changes it!
BaconAngel: yeah pretty much
Pseudonym: there are studies that people with names like "MICHAEL" or "STEVE" usually get more success in life than "BEATRICE" or "MORDIMIR"
Pseudonym: there is name, age, and beauty discrimination in every single organization, period
BaconAngel: what the hell kind of name is darcy anyway
Pseudonym: let's look it up on a baby names site
Pseudonym: maybe it means something epic
BaconAngel: what ethnic group lays claim to that one
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: "YEAH WE INVENTED THE NAME DARCY, GO US."
BaconAngel: FUCK IT IS IRISH
BaconAngel: dammit
BaconAngel: I don't want to be associated with the Darcies of the world
BaconAngel: The meaning of the name Darcy is Dark One
BaconAngel: man what the fuck
BaconAngel: who names their kid DARK ONE
BaconAngel: I mean
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: what
BaconAngel: HI AM DARCY VADER
BaconAngel: dark one what the fuck
Pseudonym: wow
BaconAngel: you are pretty much destined to become a female to male transsexual serial killer with that name
Pseudonym: i guess it's like "i want to spite my wife, i'll name the kid DARCY and then give her custody"
BaconAngel: "I'll take Bobby and you can take THE DARK ONE"
BaconAngel: "HA HA HA"

BaconAngel: man all the most popular baby names on this site are like, I bet all these kids grow up to be tremendous douchebags
BaconAngel: AIDAN
BaconAngel: fuck that name and everything it stands for
BaconAngel: how did NOAH get #6
Pseudonym: AIDAN?
BaconAngel: that's really a kind of like
BaconAngel: "I AM REALLY AMISH" kinda name, isn't it?
Pseudonym: what about a name like DORIS
BaconAngel: hah
BaconAngel: The meaning of the name Doris is Sea
The origin of the name Doris is Greek
Pseudonym: "CHAIN-SMOKING MIDDLE-AGED DIVORCED WOMAN WHO GAMBLES A LOT"
Pseudonym: oh. i was close.
BaconAngel: SAIL THE RED DORIS
BaconAngel: I don't like this alternate version of "Jackson"
BaconAngel: "JAXON"
Pseudonym: that sounds like SAXON.
BaconAngel: I AM JAX-ON
Pseudonym: JAX-OFF
BaconAngel: it sounds like an alien robot and not a cool one either
Pseudonym: WAX ON WAX OFF
Pseudonym: JAX ON JAX OFF
BaconAngel: a low budget, Captain Video villian robot
BaconAngel: wow this is terrible
BaconAngel: #7
BaconAngel: JADEN
BaconAngel: ORIGIN
BaconAngel: The meaning of the name Jaden is Combination Of Jay And Aiden
The origin of the name Jaden is American
BaconAngel: The meaning of the name Kaden is Fighter
The origin of the name Kaden is American
BaconAngel: I have never fucking once heard anyone use the word "KADEN" as a synonym for "FIGHTER"
BaconAngel: and it's like
BaconAngel: I KNOW the language of "American", I think
BaconAngel: you can't pull this one over on me, babynames.com
BaconAngel: you are just making this shit up

[On Actual Events]
 BaconAngel: The following film has been reconstructed from actual events. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
BaconAngel: The names have NOT been changed to protect the guilty.
BaconAngel: HE'S A CRIMINAL
BaconAngel: BURN HIM ALIVE
BaconAngel: SET HIS ASS ON FIRE, AND...HEY LET GO OF ME
BaconAngel: GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF ME YOU JACKALS

[On Drama]
 BaconAngel: so basically "real 100% tony" is a pussy/minor sleeze through and through then
Pseudonym: well, he's been in 3 swordfights so he has some 'cool' potential, but in general he doesn't plan mayhem on a regular basis and he generally just chases ass all the time
BaconAngel: that could be a pretty entertaining idea for a series
BaconAngel: I AM CHASING THAT ASS AND NOW THAT ASS IS GOING INTO A SEEDY BAR
BaconAngel: IS THAT ASS IN HERE
BaconAngel: NO!
BaconAngel: IT IS MEN WITH SWORDS!
BaconAngel: ENGARDE~!
BaconAngel: actually I'm pretty sure that's how those spanish channel soap operas work anyway

[On Disappointment]
 BaconAngel: what sorts of WACKY SCRAPE do you find yourself in NOW
Pseudonym: JUST CHILLIN'
Pseudonym: IT'S STRAIGHT
Pseudonym: DOG
Pseudonym: G
BaconAngel: this is less goofy and involves fewer hijinks than I would have liked
BaconAngel: I was hoping for like
BaconAngel: at least 2 hijinks
BaconAngel: I don't think think this is an unreasonable amount of hijinks to expect from someone who prides themselves at hijinkery.

[On the Big Picture]
 BaconAngel: I'm not sure my personal trainer appreciated my fitness goal of upping the resale value of my vital organs enough that I can afford a cool robot body that I don't have to chunk along on a fucking treadmill all the time to still fucking work
BaconAngel: LOOK IT IS A LONG TEMR PLAN MR. OR MRS.
BaconAngel: GET OFF MY FUCKING CASE AND TELL ME WHEN MY KIDNEY IS RIPE FOR HARVESTING ALREADY

[On Storytime]
 BaconAngel: WHAT THE FUCKIN GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING HELL IS THE SHITTING NUTS UP DICKWHISTLE
Pseudonym: HAHAHAHAHAH
Pseudonym: what's up
BaconAngel: not too much man
BaconAngel: ENTERTAIN ME WITH YOUR BRAIN
BaconAngel: TELL ME OF YOUR ADVENTURES
BaconAngel: ROT MY MIND WITH STORIES THAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE FOR MY AGE BRACKET
Pseudonym: hahah
Pseudonym: NO
Pseudonym: NO
Pseudonym: DAMN IT
Pseudonym: NO
Pseudonym: OK
BaconAngel: YAY!
Pseudonym: ONE TIME
Pseudonym: THE END
BaconAngel: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
BaconAngel: that takes me back to the days when I would ask my dad to read me a story before bed, and he'd always say
BaconAngel: NO
BaconAngel: SHUT UP YOU PINT SIZED FUCKER
BaconAngel: then hop in his beat up Challenger and drive off into the night
Pseudonym: hahah

[On Key Demographics]
 BaconAngel: WOULD YOU LIKE SOME GOHANS (RICES) WITH YOUR TEA (pronounced, "T")?
Pseudonym: HEY TODAY I SAW A "KAWAII" ANIME AND IT HAD LOTS OF "KATANA" IN IT AS WELL AS "SUSHI" "TOKYO" "KONNICHIWA" "SUMO" ^_^ ^_^ ^_&
BaconAngel: ...you know, I've never actually seen any anime that has sumo in it
BaconAngel: why is that
BaconAngel: must not be KAWAII enough
Pseudonym: yeah. hmm. there's just no room for being fat in an anime
Pseudonym: there is a no-fat tolerance
BaconAngel: I feel there is a market gap to be filled here
Pseudonym: "FAT PEOPLE CARTOONS!"
Pseudonym: HEY!
Pseudonym: ARE YOU FAT?
BaconAngel: MAGICAL SUMO ASUNASHI
Pseudonym: DO YOU SIT AROUND AND WATCH TV ALL DAY?
Pseudonym: THEN YOU SHOULD LIKE THIS "FAT PEOPLE CARTOON"
BaconAngel: or, OR
BaconAngel: E.Honda: Heartthrob
BaconAngel: eh?
BaconAngel: EH?!
BaconAngel: DAISY FUSHINASHI: "OH, E! YOU ARE A NOBLE BEAR OF A MAN"
BaconAngel: E. HONDA: (blushes)
Pseudonym: do you know what the E stands for?
BaconAngel: Eggbert
Pseudonym: EDMOND HONDA
BaconAngel: this is the least useful fact I've learned all day

[On Big Spending]
 Pseudonym: THAT'S OKAY
Pseudonym: it's "LIVIN' THA LIFESTYLE" if it really develops
BaconAngel: the lifestyle of maxin out large gross profit selling widgets over the internet?
BaconAngel: YO BITCHES CHECK OUT MY RIDE I GOTS THIS MOTHERFUCKER SELLING ME SOME FAT DISCOUNT HAND SANITIZER AWWWWWWWYEAAAAAAA
Pseudonym: HAHA
Pseudonym: it's usually ebooks
Pseudonym: ebooks on hand sanitizers
BaconAngel: "Chapter 1: Operation"
BaconAngel: "Push top to dispense hand sanitizing liquid."
BaconAngel: Index:
Dispensing pg.1
Hand pg.1
Liquid pg.1
Pushing pg.1
Sanitizer see Liquid
To pg.1
Top pg.1

[On Narcotics]
Pseudonym: DEATH CANDY
Pseudonym: that's it.
BaconAngel: is that some drug slang you picked up on your slumming trips
BaconAngel: well why don't you just go cronk up some whizzers you gophead
Pseudonym: i imagine an old man hobbling down a slum and talkin' to the BRUTHAS with those whiz-bang slang words
Pseudonym: trying to score some X
BaconAngel: do you fellas got any of that Ehk-stacy, hmm now?
BaconAngel: I wanna get some of that old lead back in me pencil while I still can
Pseudonym: summa that.... that... EHHHHHKKKKK EHHHHKK HACK ... COUGHCOUGHCOUGH. EHK.... uh... drugs.
BaconAngel: that's the stuff that does the whatsit to yer PECKER right?
BaconAngel: I got me a date with SANDY MAE

Update: 3-9-2008
[On Jim Bowie]
BaconAngel: so you need 2 prop katanas then
BaconAngel: and 0 to -1 real katanas
Pseudonym:: yes
BaconAngel: meh, just do it on the cheap and make it a down and dirty knife fight
BaconAngel: because I don't think I've seen a really long, protracted stylized fight with just knives before
BaconAngel: it's always some punk
BaconAngel: who tries to fist fight
BaconAngel: and then gets his ass kicked
BaconAngel: and then is a "dirty jerk" so he pulls out a knife
BaconAngel: and then gets his ass kicked further anyway
BaconAngel: and that is bullshit
BaconAngel: like I've never seen a movie that tells the story of the guy who invented the Bowie knife
Pseudonym:: you know the knife fight in 'west side story'
BaconAngel: I want to say David Bowie but likely that is HUGELY INACCURATE
Pseudonym:: where every stab is accompanied by a rousing trumpet fanfare
BaconAngel: no, I don't
BaconAngel: because I don't see BULLSHIT MUSICALS
BaconAngel: but ANYWAY
BaconAngel: Bowie knife guy
BaconAngel: was like
Pseudonym:: i was FORCED, KEVIN
Pseudonym:: DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LIKE?
Pseudonym:: FORCED?
BaconAngel: "these knives don't KILL ENOUGH"
BaconAngel: and so he made a more KILL-CENTRIC KNIFE
BaconAngel: named aftter HIMSELF because of the knife having SIMILIAR KILLING ABILITY to HIM IN GENERAL
BaconAngel: but the day after he made the BOWIE KNIFE
BaconAngel: he got attacked by three BANDITS
BaconAngel: with KNIVES
BaconAngel: what the fuck did he do?
BaconAngel: HE FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL WITH HIS KNIFE THAT IS WHAT JESUS CHRIST WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
Pseudonym:: is that for like
Pseudonym:: whoa
Pseudonym:: FO REA?
BaconAngel: yeah dude
Pseudonym:: that's kinda badass
BaconAngel: dude was a hardcore motherfucker
Pseudonym:: haha
BaconAngel: WIKIPEDIA: The attacker hit Bowie over the head with his empty pistol, breaking the pistol and knocking Bowie to the ground. Wright shot at and missed the prone Bowie, who returned fire and possibly hit Wright. Wright then drew his sword cane and impaled Bowie. When Wright attempted to retrieve his blade by placing his foot on Bowie's chest and tugging, Bowie pulled him down and disemboweled Wright with his knife.[29][30] Wright died instantly, and Bowie, with Wright's sword still protruding from his chest, was shot again and stabbed by another member of the group. The doctors who had been present for the duel retrieved the bullets and patched Bowie's other wounds.[31]
BaconAngel: this is another encounter
BaconAngel: dude DISEMBOWLED A GUY WITH HIS KNIFE WITH A SWORD STUCK THROUGH HIS CHEST
BaconAngel: oh, I guess the fight with the 3 dudes wasn't immediately after inventing the bowie knife
BaconAngel: and they were hitmen, not bandits
BaconAngel: WIKIPEDIA: Bowie returned, with his knife, to Texas and was involved in a knife fight with three men who had been hired to kill him. Bowie killed the three would-be assassins with his new knife and the fame of the knife was established. Legend holds that one man was almost decapitated, the second was disemboweled, and the third had his skull split open
BaconAngel: so yeah
BaconAngel: I could go for a movie with intense motherfuckers getting into some intense knife fights here
Pseudonym:: why were they hired to kill him?
BaconAngel: hardasses like that don't get to be where they are by NOT being hits taken out on them
BaconAngel: WIKIPEDIA: When Bowie's mother was informed of his death she calmly stated "I'll wager no wounds were found in his back."
BaconAngel: damn
Pseudonym:: what the fuck?
BaconAngel: (Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxJ0_DW9mCc)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxJ0_DW9mCc
BaconAngel: look at that dude
BaconAngel: even just walking in a door
BaconAngel: HE HAD TO STAB IT WITH A KNIFE FIRST
BaconAngel: just to make sure that door doesn't TRY ANYTHING FUNNY
BaconAngel: and when he walks in
BaconAngel: ANY DOOR
BaconAngel: ANY SITUATIOn
BaconAngel: KNIFE IN HAND
BaconAngel: READY TO KILL
BaconAngel: WALKING INTO THE LOCAL DENNY'S
BaconAngel: WEE-EEE-EEELL, DOG MY CATS
BaconAngel: what the fuck does that even MEAN, Jim Bowie?

[On Communication Breakdown]
BaconAngel: my mom just asked me if I watched The Lone Ranger as a kid
BaconAngel: how do I break it to her that I am not in fact 50 years old
BaconAngel: I would have assumed she knew that already
BaconAngel: for obvious reasons
BaconAngel: but apparently I was wrong
Pseudonym:: ........
Pseudonym:: wow.
BaconAngel: like
Pseudonym:: that's like
Pseudonym:: fuckin'
BaconAngel: what do you say to that
BaconAngel: it's kinda like asking her if she had a playstation as a kid
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: NO I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T HUH

BaconAngel: I am trying to come up with a polite but incredibly "you are seriously fucking stupid for asking me this" way to turn down my brothers invite in participating in an online yahoo fantasy basketball tournament
BaconAngel: between this and the "hipster wallet" incident and the lone ranger thing yesterday I am beginning to suspect my family does not have a real solid grasp on who I am
BaconAngel: no, guys, I am not a middle-aged sports fan that listens to indie prog rock
Pseudonym:: wow, yeah, i hate when people are like "YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS, HERE'S A FOOTBALL."
BaconAngel: "what is this, "football"?"

[On the "College Experience"]
Pseudonym:: i think i'm in a perpetual "what the hell? that was it?" state after college
BaconAngel: well, you're right there so you can just go outside and get the answer:
BaconAngel: "YUP, THAT SURE WAS IT"
BaconAngel: "WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD IT BE"
Pseudonym:: yeah. college is even more bullshit to people like us, who plan to do things that don't require formal education
BaconAngel: but don't you want that *college experience*?!
BaconAngel: man I want to fucking punch everyone who uses that term unironically
BaconAngel: from what I can gather the "college experience" is simply realizing you have to ability to think for yourself for a brief, fleeting moment, then steadfastly refusing to do so for 4 years
Pseudonym:: really? i thought it was getting shitfaced and then passing out at parties where you either a) fuck a bunch of sluts or b) get date-raped, depending on your gender. and going to football games.
BaconAngel: that's uh, kind of what I was getting at in a "PG" manner to your "R"
BaconAngel: because it's supposed to be this big revelation that you've got "OMG FREEDOM" now or whatever
BaconAngel: but if you weren't a fucking idiot to begin with in high school that's not really a surprise and doesn't really make a difference
BaconAngel: so the only people that the "COLLEGE EXPERIENCE" appeals to are people too retarded to be decently responsible or have any real motivations to begin with
BaconAngel: of course, I'm not a "normal person" who is "well rounded" and has "outside interests" so maybe I am being "too harsh"
BaconAngel: I am less suited for "university life" as I am for "training to be a straight up hardcore motherfucker"
BaconAngel: but rarely do I see that phrase reprinted in 4-color recruitment brochures
Pseudonym:: whatever, no reason to make excuses for those people
Pseudonym:: it doesn't sound too harsh to me
BaconAngel: well, I'd figure
BaconAngel: but I at least try to make a passing attempt at seeing 'both sides of the coin', even if the other side has a clown face on it and has some sticky cola residue on it so you don't really want to touch it
BaconAngel: if you will excuse the needlessly verbose metaphor

Update: 3-1-2008
[On Movies]
BaconAngel: LOOK I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE "THAT IS SO AVERAGE I COULD PAINT A WALL GREY JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT HARD ENOUGH" BUT HOW ABOUT A MOVIE ABOUT LAWYER-EATING DINOSAURS THAT MAKE PEOPLE'S HEADS EXPLODE WITH PSYCHIC POWERS THAN THEN IT'S UP TO HUNTER-EATING DINOSAURS THAT RIDE MOTORCYCLES TO STOP THEM
BaconAngel: SOUNDTRACK BY JOHN ELFMAN-GREGSON-WILLIAMS
Pseudonym: THAT'S LIKE
Pseudonym: WOW IS THAT LIKE
Pseudonym: "BRING IT ON 4?"
BaconAngel: don't be ridiculous
BaconAngel: have you ever seen a dinosaur dance
BaconAngel: jesus

[On Collaboration]
BaconAngel: I'm just being the floors and walls to your creative superball here
BaconAngel: bouncing your ideas right back at your head

[On Intranet Communications]
Pseudonym: there is some lady who, man, i don't even WORK with her, but she felt the need
to write an email to the ENTIRE staff (30+ people) saying:
"Just to let you know I will NOT be coming in tomorrow. I had a shift from 9-6 but my son is having his tonsils
removed. Thank-you."
Pseudonym: thanks, i'm your supervisor so i care
Pseudonym: i have an inbox message, here, called "re: the pen worked"
Pseudonym: how much do you wanna bet someone borrowed a pen from someone that "might be running out of ink", and he was so excited that it worked, that he had to tell everyone.
BaconAngel: I don't know, how stupid are your co-workers
BaconAngel: I suppose there is a slight possibility that the contents of the email are IN FACT suprisingly clever
Pseudonym: ok, yes, they meant that a person who they were trying to reach via e-mail actually uses snail mail more
BaconAngel: I would not get my hopes up, however, that the sender is an incredible bastion of wit
BaconAngel: you should send a personal, monogrammed letter to the person thanking them for the email
Pseudonym: Story
One time I went to the Date with a woman (one womans) and we later had some of the Seck(s). It was average at best. I will probably find a different Woman to do a Seck(s) on.
The End
Pseudonym: Published in Milton Bradley's Fairy Tales
BaconAngel: is this another office email
Pseudonym: hahah i wish
BaconAngel: RE: MY WEEKEND
BaconAngel: TO: ALL STAFF
BaconAngel: How was your weekend, guys? My weekend was great; I won't give details, but it involved a (1) vagina.
BaconAngel: -Deitrich Vanderwaal
Pseudonym: HAHA
BaconAngel: maybe you should get in the habit of giving unnecessary replies to the
unnecessary emails
Pseudonym: hmm, maybe.
BaconAngel: like to the "tonsils" email
BaconAngel: reply:
BaconAngel: "That's true!"
Pseudonym: "I am not getting my tonsils out today."
BaconAngel: and just leave it at that
Pseudonym: next day
Pseudonym: "I am not getting my tonsils out today either."
Pseudonym: repeat 200x

[On Terrible Childhoods]
BaconAngel: man I sure looked like a fucking douchebag when I was 16
BaconAngel: I'm sure you care and all
BaconAngel: but I want to punch old-passport-photo-me in the face
Pseudonym: haha
Pseudonym: 14-17 were like... the shit years
Pseudonym: i think 17-now are the not as bad shit years
Pseudonym: soon to be great years
BaconAngel: I much prefer my post-beard "serial killer' ID photos to my pre-beard "mildly fat-faced chubby douche" photos
Pseudonym: haha
BaconAngel: at least there are no existing known photographs of me when I was like 7 or some shit wearing that tshirt with the tazmanian devil and bugs bunny in "ATTITUDE" poses whilst wearing jeans backwards in KRIS KROSS fashion
BaconAngel: how the hell did that ever come to be
BaconAngel: 1) me owning it 2) someone purchasing it 3) kris kross being popular enough to effect completely irrelevant cartoon properties and 4) wtf is with the "ATTITUDE" for kids cartoon characters anyway
Pseudonym: hahah
BaconAngel: I don't remember Elmer Fudd sticking a shotgun at Bugs and Bugs going, "WHY YOU FRONTIN'"
Pseudonym: who the fuck knows man
BaconAngel: there are just so many unlikely scenarios at play here that all had to come together to make that happen that I've almost convinced myself that it was not logically possible for it to ever have occured
BaconAngel: if you take out the possibility of supernatural forces at play
Pseudonym: hhhhhhhhhhheh.
BaconAngel: if I made a movie about how it came about it would probably be like a mix between Network, All the Presiden't Men and Ghostbusters
BaconAngel: an absurd mix of high-level conspiracy, the duping of modern society and evil from beyond the beyond

[On Anime]
Pseudonym: TYLER (Saginaw Valley) wrote at 11:42am on February 16th, 2008
hey ive herd of a Ah my goddess 3rd season starting on feb 28 but i have not sceen any thing i was wondreing if anybody else has herd any thing about it?
BaconAngel: what
Pseudonym: Ah my goddess Ah my goddess Ah my goddess Ah my goddess Ah my goddess Ah my goddess Ah my goddess Ah my goddess
BaconAngel: who the fuck is tyler and why does he suck so much
Pseudonym: HAHAHAH
Pseudonym: he was in an ANIME FORUM.
BaconAngel: are you making this up or what
BaconAngel: why are you looking at anime forums
BaconAngel: you should know better than that
Pseudonym: because there is a golgo 13 series coming out, and a search for it brought me to a "facebook forum" which merely gives g13 a passing mention, whilst being populated with generally dreck.
Pseudonym: golgo 13 is such a MANime, man
Pseudonym: that's the real shit
Pseudonym: i sent you links to some of that shit, right?
Pseudonym: on youtube
BaconAngel: man you realize the term MANime could not possibly be more homosexual without actually sodomizing the reader over the internet somehow right

[On Body Modification]
Pseudonym: what the fuck is it with girls and tattoos
Pseudonym: man, that's like... instant "fuck off"
BaconAngel: what you don't like the "generic butterfly on small of back" look
BaconAngel: because that's totally like
BaconAngel: "you have a butterfly on the small of your back"
BaconAngel: which like I don't care
BaconAngel: but somebody must like the "I just laid down on an insect-laden concrete bench with my shirt off" look
BaconAngel: what brings up this "random point of contention with modern society" anyway
Pseudonym: i just saw this pic of a chick with.... that exact tattoo you mentioned
Pseudonym: and she would have been "OK" without it
BaconAngel: HAHA
BaconAngel: what's even less appealing to me is facial piercings
BaconAngel: I'm just not into the whole "look I've been shot with a BB gun" thing

[On Long-Lost Pals]
BaconAngel: severe off chance that you know, but do you know a David Dworkin from U of M
BaconAngel: I got a LinkedIn invite from him an I have no damn clue who the hell he is
BaconAngel: I fear it could be somebody from a Japanese class that I actually know but never knew their actual name because LOL JAPAN CLASS YOU NEED JAPAN NAME
BaconAngel: I never got that shit in language classes
BaconAngel: I guess they just want everybody to get in the habit of lying to foreigners for no good reason
James: david dworkin. no idea who you're talking about.
BaconAngel: alright, I figured it was a long shot
BaconAngel: oh never mind this has to be some spam or some shit
BaconAngel: I don't recall being classmates with someone who was a vice president at Fannie Mae
James: er..... lol
BaconAngel: I seriously thought it could have been japanese class friend who I can't remember the real name of
James: lol. the picture of that guy looks like 50.
BaconAngel: yeah, I am pretty sure it's not the same guy
James: thought it would've been funny if some 45 year old had been sitting in on those classes.
BaconAngel: but it's like hey I think I've known some daves so I might know this dave too
BaconAngel: But this is not a Dave I know http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8b-N28eG2go

[On Drinking]
BaconAngel: I partook of a Friday Free Beer today in the sake of "that is something to do"
James: nice. get wasted?
BaconAngel: basically it tasted like I opened my mouth while jumping into a wet pile of autumn leaves face first
BaconAngel: and other than making me slightly more nervous driving home that was the only effect
James: uh. never had beer before?
BaconAngel: I had half a budweiser before
BaconAngel: which I was also not a fan of
James: what kind of beer did they have?
BaconAngel: um
BaconAngel: somethin' or other pale ale
BaconAngel: and something else
BaconAngel: and corona
BaconAngel: maybe some other shit
BaconAngel: I dunno
James: huh. pale ale and corona are two of my favorite kinds of beer, lol.
BaconAngel: I have no idea of the quality factors at play here
James: eh. i like some beers, and dislike others.
BaconAngel: I don't know if it's supposed to be better with more leaf taste or what
James: you should practice drinking, hehehe
James: try a bunch of different kinds of beer out, figure out which ones you like most. or dislike least, w/e.
BaconAngel: or, I could, you know, not
BaconAngel: I mean generally
James: drinking's useful as a social tool.
James:drinking beer is to socializing as the shotgun is to killing zombies.
James:hmm. yeah, i think that analogy kinda works.
James:you know, cuz, the shotguns, like, really useful. in, uh... killing zombies.
James:yeah.
BaconAngel: so basically if you do something unpleasant your first reaction is to continue doing it until you can rationalize it being a good thing
BaconAngel: you know at first I didn't really LIKE stapling my fingernails but >OW< now that I'm used to it I'm like, "Hey, my fingernails are like NEVER gonna fall off NOW!"
James: uh, did the beer cause you to bleed or feel severe pain?
James:cuz, if so, you should probably stop stapling the beers into your stomach.
James::D
BaconAngel: no but I wouldn't say I preferred it over, say, not drinking it
James: yeah, well, sometimes we have to do unpleasant things.
James: and sometimes those things do become pleasant.
BaconAngel: name one example besides this one
James: coffee.
James: i don't know anyone who likes coffee first try.
BaconAngel: I don't drink coffee either!
James: but i like it a lot now.
BaconAngel: for the same dang reason
James: some things are worth getting used to so as to enjoy them.
BaconAngel: fuck that if they want me to drink them they can stop being so vile from the start
James: you could have girly drinks.
James: but then your coworkers would call you, you know, a girl.
BaconAngel: NO http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epa5YZIJU8I
James: so, there's always a trade off.
James: ah, kids in the hall. why the hell did you have this just ready?
BaconAngel: I am quick on my feet when it comes to the youtube search bar
James: lol, points. even if it is fucking youtube, and fuck youtube.
James: just think, you could be dave foley!
BaconAngel: I'd rather not cross-dress on national TV, thanks
BaconAngel: or is that another one of those things
James: well, shit. there goes that dream.
BaconAngel: unpleasant at first
BaconAngel: James, do you cross-dress on national TV
BaconAngel: do you find it pleasant
BaconAngel: now that you are used to it
James: well, people can get used to anything. as long as it doesn't hurt too much...

[On Halloween]
BaconAngel: are you doing anything for the Hallowed Ween?
Brian: ummm...working
Brian: then going to game night at school
Brian: Hao about you?
BaconAngel: are you doing any semi-legitimized cosplaying as is the tradition
BaconAngel: I shall be doing NOTHING
<Brian: I'm going to dress up as a sexy cat
BaconAngel: ugh
BaconAngel: please don't
BaconAngel: or at least
Brian: same as every weekend
BaconAngel: do not post pictures of it on the internet
Brian: ha ha ha ha ha ha
Brian: I will post it on all internets.
Brian: all
BaconAngel: no!!!
BaconAngel: I just got this internet
BaconAngel: and you're gonna, you're gonna muck it up
BaconAngel: you damn intermucker

Update: 2-17-2008
[On Robot Apocalypse]
BaconAngel: I've thought it over, and I think I'm just gonna let those robots eat you.
James: pfft, lol
BaconAngel: I mean what's in it for me
BaconAngel: and those robots need to eat too y'know
BaconAngel: so you're on your own with that one
BaconAngel: I can sell you a Tactical Defense Pointy Stick if you like
BaconAngel:it is really quite sharp at one end
James: slick
BaconAngel: and if you get some splinters, that's just how you know it's working

[On French (Language)]
BaconAngel: so what do you have against french so much anyway
James: eh. it's the pansy's language.
James: french is for girls and girly men.
BaconAngel: do you not like going AWHAWHAWHAW in a nasally fashion
James: no, i think i'll pass.
BaconAngel: what about Jean Reno?
James: eh.
BaconAngel: THIS ARGUMENT IS UNCONVINCING
James: he's one french movie star. i don't think that's sufficient to make up for a country full of weakness.
BaconAngel: what about
BaconAngel:uh
BaconAngel:Pepe Le Pew
James: thanks for making my argument for me.
James: ^_^
BaconAngel: or Napoleon
James: that short bastard who lost, like, twice?
James: he was so inept, he couldn't even commit suicide.
James: XD
BaconAngel: he had some entertaining moments
BaconAngel: like being like
BaconAngel: fuck you pope
BaconAngel: gimme that crown
BaconAngel: stupid motherfucking pope
James: yeah, but the English successfully broke away from the papacy. so... yeah.
BaconAngel: well what would YOU suggest instead
BaconAngel: if you exclude fictional languages
BaconAngel: you could make a case for Japanese but in all honesty the only utility I'd actually get out of it is talking to other English speaking people that also learned Japanese purely as novelty
BaconAngel: which sort of defeats the purpose a bit
BaconAngel: not that I know any French people...
James: well, if you just like french, i guess go for it. even if it is a language devoted entirely to women. [smile]
BaconAngel: it is the language of hot makeouts in train cars
BaconAngel: I hope
BaconAngel: besides you can't say Japan of all places doesn't possess questionable masculinity
BaconAngel: you've played Final Fantasy games
BaconAngel: you know what I'm talking about

[On French (Food)]
James: eh. i'd have to see some evidence re: quality of french beef.
BaconAngel: maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
BaconAngel: how am I supposed to give you irrefutable evidence over an IM client
BaconAngel: there is no standard unit of deliciousness which I can hold up as proof

James: huh. just sirloin steak.
BaconAngel: goddammit james
BaconAngel: the next time we eat somewhere I am going to be like, "huh, just sushi again, huh." even if it is the best sushi restaurant in the world
BaconAngel: FISH?!
BaconAngel: HO
BaconAngel: FUCKING
BaconAngel: HUM
James: if the best sushi placed just served salmon sashimi, i'd be rather disappointed.
BaconAngel: WHERE IS THE CARIBOU
BaconAngel: OR GIANT SQUID
BaconAngel: I WANT SOME MANATEE ON HERE, STAT

[On Drinking]
James: you should take up drinking.
James: i bet you'd be good at it.
BaconAngel: there's an idea for a hobby
BaconAngel: but I don't think that'd be a good idea for something to practice during my commute

[On Languages]
James: but i'm particularly awful at learning languages. just, really fucking bad.
BaconAngel: hah, yeah I have failed to learn 3 languages I have taken classes for
BaconAngel: now I'm starting over for ROUND 2
BaconAngel: L'Electrique Boogaloo

James: i do't have it in me to learn more than maybe 1 additional language. and if that's the case, i'm going to make it Chinese
BaconAngel: meh, China doesn't make anime!
James: China has about a fifth of the world in it.
BaconAngel: so what, the ocean has 3/4 of the world in it
BaconAngel: you don't see me trying to learn whale
BaconAngel: ha ha! cultural insensitivity!
James: i'm going to go ahead and ignore your previous comment.
BaconAngel: I am just getting petty revenge over the "why learn french" argument from the previous episode
James: well, if it makes you feel better...
BaconAngel: kind of! I just don't want to feel I wasted $50 on this CD set thing because oh yeah France bites goat tits

[On the DS]
BaconAngel: any games I should get other than Professor Layton and Phoenix Wright?
James: yeah, the zelda one.
BaconAngel: man I haven't even gotten to play the Wii one which has been sitting on my shelf for more than a year!
BaconAngel: besides I always seem to get a couple hours in and then I go off and play something else when it comes to Zelda games
BaconAngel: I never seem to find what is so ball-fondlingly fantastic about them
James: well, it fondles your balls.

[On Posers]
BaconAngel: you know this might be cool but I am pretty sure more likely it'd make you look like an asshole: Flying V Coffin Case
Pseudonym: pretty fucking bad fucking ass
BaconAngel: I dunno it seems very much 'trying too hard'
BaconAngel: unless you are already a dude established as a badass guitar player
Pseudonym: that would be pretty great
Pseudonym: if someone had that case and that guitar
BaconAngel: like being sixteen and getting a skull tattooed on your face
BaconAngel: like over the whole thing
Pseudonym: and they ended up just playing a christian gospel sound without plugging it into an amp
BaconAngel: "zombie facepaint" style
BaconAngel: if you were some fucking badass and were so famous that people would be like, "MAN DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY FROM XSLAUGHTERBEAST I HEARD HE GOT A SKULL TATTOOED ON HIS FACE" "NO WAY HE IS EVEN MORE AWESOME NOW THAN WHEN I BOUGHT HIS FIRST 22 ALBUMS"
BaconAngel: sure, go ahead and get the skull face tattoo
BaconAngel: but more than likely it will result in long-lasting toolishness

[On Crossfire]
BaconAngel: so when do I get to hear an acoustic guitar rendition of the Crossfire commercial music here
Pseudonym: probably june 2005
BaconAngel: so you're saying you already did it an it's done
BaconAngel: give it to me
BaconAngel: give it to me, baby
BaconAngel: I need it
BaconAngel: I need to get caught up in the Crossfire

[On Various "Jump"s]
BaconAngel: if I actually learn how to play guitar, in order to prevent myself from needing to write lyrics I'm just going to have all song acompanied by variants of the words "baby" and "yeah"
BaconAngel: I think this puts me ahead of most top 40 songs in the intelligence department
Pseudonym: well, that's not too hard
BaconAngel: are there any other generic song words that can be used by themselves without context
BaconAngel: or repeated over and over
BaconAngel: because you can have
BaconAngel: BABY, YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
BaconAngel: or baby, baby, baby!
BaconAngel: or yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Pseudonym: hhaha
BaconAngel: or, yeah, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby
Pseudonym: there's always the "ooh" or "woo"
Pseudonym: or "whoa-oaoaoaoaoaoa"
BaconAngel: now for the top hit, "Ooh baby, whoa-yeah", his biggest since 2004's "Woo yeah baby, ooh."
BaconAngel: Hey probably also works
BaconAngel: word to avoid:
BaconAngel: Jump
BaconAngel: because all the 3 songs that I can think of that use that word
BaconAngel: bite ass on ass-biting levels
Pseudonym: i can only think of one?
BaconAngel: or maybe it's only 2 songs and I am getting them confused
Pseudonym: i believe it goes....
Pseudonym: "jump, jump, jump, jump (continued)"
BaconAngel: there's the "go aheaaaad, JUMP! (jump!)"
BaconAngel: that one
BaconAngel: and then there's the one that goes "Jump around!"
Pseudonym: yes.
Pseudonym: wow.
BaconAngel: which may be the same as the Jumpx45 song
BaconAngel: not sure
BaconAngel: but I think the theory is solid
Pseudonym: maybe it's your fate to create a song that includes jump but will not make you want to kill yourself
BaconAngel: sounds dangerous
BaconAngel: I am pretty sure that it would make me stab the fretboard all the way through my neck mid-song
BaconAngel: perhaps putting the guitar vertical against the ground and then JUMPing to get the necessary force to land on it in a fatal manner
BaconAngel: a real, a real bad way to go
BaconAngel: let's see, Itunes store
BaconAngel: what do you have for me in the JUMP section
BaconAngel: I bet they all suck
BaconAngel: Jump by Van Halen is one of those original songs
BaconAngel: and sucks ass
Pseudonym: hhaha
BaconAngel: Jump by madonna
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: jump by simple plan
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: jump by lil' josh
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: jump to the rhythm by jordan pruitt
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: jump by kris kross
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: jump by lecrae
BaconAngel: is a "Christian and Gospel" genre RAP SONG
BaconAngel: and SUCKS
BaconAngel: Jump by Paul Anka
BaconAngel: is lounge music
BaconAngel: oh wait it's a cover of some other song I think
BaconAngel: I'm not sure whether or not to give it a pass for irony
BaconAngel: NAH, sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by N.E.R.D.
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump! by The Movement
BaconAngel: has Mortal Kombat theme remix elements in it
BaconAngel: and sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Loverboy
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Rupee
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by David Lee Roth
BaconAngel: country cover
BaconAngel: and sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Girls Aloud
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Aretha Franklin
BaconAngel: has cowbell
BaconAngel: and sucks
Pseudonym: hahahahah
BaconAngel: i'm not done yet
BaconAngel: Jump (featuring the Twins) by DJ SpaceD & The Twins
BaconAngel: remix/cover
BaconAngel: and SUCKS HARD
BaconAngel: Jump by Countdown
BaconAngel: another cover
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Kidz Bop Kids
BaconAngel: cover, and pretty creepy because they've got a some creepy deep voiced old guy as the main singer and the kids as the backup
BaconAngel: sucks, obviously
BaconAngel: Jump Jive an' Wail by Louis Prima
BaconAngel: I dunno
BaconAngel: this MAY BE just a MEH
BaconAngel: but I think it got covered by one of those 90's swing bands and then made it suck retroactively
BaconAngel: so it sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Mystikal
BaconAngel: well at least it's not a cover
BaconAngel: but it still sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by In.Deep
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump, Jump by J.Moss
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: it sounds like a Gap commercial
BaconAngel: Jump by Kassav' & Lady Sweety
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: JUmp by Remy Ma
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump Jump by Choo Choo Soul
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Lord Infamous
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump In! by Paul Hoen is a Disney channel original movie about jump-roping
BaconAngel: that is a full $10 worth of sucking right there
Pseudonym: wow
BaconAngel: Jump by Julia Fordham
BaconAngel: really sucks
BaconAngel: Jump (Beat Pharmacy remix) by Nappy G, Nickodemus And M something that got cut off
BaconAngel: sucks but may be appropriate for a really shitty N64 racing game stage select screen
BaconAngel: like not San Fran Rush 2049, but like a knockoff of it
BaconAngel: Jump Around by Old School Players
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump into This by Seven Foot Wave
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Baha Men
BaconAngel: until the second verse I couldn't tell if this was a "made for seseme street" type song or not
BaconAngel: it's not
BaconAngel: it sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by XTC
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Eric Roche
BaconAngel: acoustic, instrumental cover of Jump
BaconAngel: sucks by default
BaconAngel: J.U.M.P. by Redman and George Clinton Jr.
BaconAngel: "crackheads furnish your homes like IKEA"
BaconAngel: "Ova Heah."
BaconAngel: that rhyme alone
BaconAngel: means it sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by That Dog
BaconAngel: it's got all the shittiness of being a mediocre pop song combined with the pretentiousness of being labeled "Jazz"
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump In My Car by David Hasselhoff
BaconAngel: ok it sucks but I am pretty sure it knows how fucking stupid it is
BaconAngel: The Jump by James Newton Howard
BaconAngel: IS IT A MEH!?
BaconAngel: it's "standard blockbuster orchestra music"
BaconAngel: which is inoffensive enough
BaconAngel: but then I see it's from a movie called The Water Horse which looked like shit times 5
BaconAngel: so it puts on a brave face for the iTunes store but I am pretty sure it sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Atomic Punks vs Effcee
BaconAngel: another cover which sucks
BaconAngel: Jump (Italobrothers New Vox Radio) by Cerla & Manian
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Nerina Pallot
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Mephisto Odyssey
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Kizooks
BaconAngel: same thing as the Kidz Bop one
BaconAngel: I am too lazy to see if they area actually different recordings
BaconAngel: it sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by The Hit Crew
BaconAngel: ANOTHER FUCKING SUCKING COVER
BaconAngel: Jump Off by Sterling Simms
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by EK Ltd.
BaconAngel: might be a kareoke cover
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Peasall Sisters
BaconAngel: Christian music by 8 year old girls
BaconAngel: sucks
Pseudonym: this is
Pseudonym: a lot of jumps, man.
BaconAngel: Jump by Grasshopper Takeover
Pseudonym: and clearly no end in sight.
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: I'm on 101 of 149
Pseudonym: the kidz bopz one sucked? :(
BaconAngel: there a lot of repeats
BaconAngel: CHECK IT OUT YOURSELF
BaconAngel: Jump by "various artists"
BaconAngel: is the kris kross one
BaconAngel: sucks
Pseudonym: hahaha
BaconAngel: Jump by CEL-D
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by The Rock Masters sucks
BaconAngel: WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE COVER THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE BULLSHIT SONG
BaconAngel: Jump by The Lollies
BaconAngel: ANOTHER FUCKING COVER
BaconAngel: Jump By the Next Wave
BaconAngel: GUESS WHAT
BaconAngel: BIG SURPRISE
BaconAngel: IT'S ANOTHER GODDAMNED COVER
BaconAngel: SUCKS!
BaconAngel: SUCKS SO BAD
BaconAngel: Jump, Jump, Jump by True Vibe
BaconAngel: NOT a cover!
BaconAngel: SUCKS!
BaconAngel: Jump by Riskay
BaconAngel: ALL U HO'S KIN GET IT ALL U HO'S KIN GET IT ALL U HO'S KIN GET IT
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump Around (Da Fresh Remix) by Moonbootica
BaconAngel: suck freshly
BaconAngel: Jump On It by Aysesha
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jumpbyjivebunny&themastermix...anothercoversucks
BaconAngel: Jump! by Van Dyke Parks
Pseudonym: ....................
Pseudonym: ALL U HO'S KIN GET IT ALL U HO'S KIN GET IT ALL U HO'S KIN GET IT
BaconAngel: what is this "bad montage music"
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Angelina sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Shocking 80's House-Mix
BaconAngel: CAN YOU GUESS
BaconAngel: IF YOU GUESSED IT SUCKS
BaconAngel: YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY
BaconAngel: Jump by Unknown
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by the Starlite Singers
Pseudonym: hahaha
BaconAngel: the rare cover of the Kris Kross version instead!
BaconAngel: sucks!
BaconAngel: Jump by Nick Barker
BaconAngel: really slow acoustic van halen cover
BaconAngel: sucks!
BaconAngel: Jump by Fad Gadget
BaconAngel: sucks
BaconAngel: The Jump by Jerry Goldsmith rom Rambo First Blood Part 2
BaconAngel: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE
Pseudonym: HMM
BaconAngel: I mean it had parts of the Rambo 2 theme in there
BaconAngel: but not the ultimate rendition of it
BaconAngel: so I'm going to have to say it sucks for leaching off its betters
BaconAngel: but apparently adding a "the" and being part of soundtrack is a good way to take a lot of the sting out of a "jump" titled song
Pseudonym: OH.
BaconAngel: Jump by The CRS Players
BaconAngel: really fucking sucks
BaconAngel: Jump by Karen Peck & New River
BaconAngel: sucks a whole damn lot
BaconAngel: alright
BaconAngel: LAST ONE
BaconAngel: LAST CHANCE FOR SALVATION FOR "JUMP"
BaconAngel: JUMP
BaconAngel: BY
BaconAngel: BARI KORAL FAMILY ROCK & ROLL BAND
BaconAngel: ON THE ALBUM FAMILY ROCK BAND
Pseudonym: uuhhh
BaconAngel: IN THE GENRE OF CHILDREN'S MUSIC
Pseudonym: not holding my breath
BaconAngel: HOLY GOD THIS IS AWFUL
Pseudonym: HAHA
BaconAngel: THIS SUCKS REAL FUCKIN' BAD
BaconAngel: so there you have it
Pseudonym: :)
BaconAngel: AH SHIT THERE'S A "MORE RESULTS" BUTTON
BaconAngel: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo
Pseudonym: hahaah
Pseudonym: it's probably like
BaconAngel: I think the first 149 most popular songs featuring "Jump" in the title is enough to prove
Pseudonym: "If you enjoyed this song, you may enjoy.....

The Inside of My Ass"
BaconAngel: the word Jump in a song title is a DEATH KNELL FOR QUALITY
Pseudonym: how about "JUMP TO A GREAT SONG"
BaconAngel: I'm just going to click through these without listing them individually
BaconAngel: EVEN KOREAN ROCK SONGS CALLED JUMP SUCK
Pseudonym: OH
BaconAngel: hmm this one was inoffensive
BaconAngel: but ALSO
BaconAngel: called THE Jump
BaconAngel: and not just JUMP
BaconAngel: ODD
BaconAngel: I'm not saying it's good
BaconAngel: but I don't want to kill the musicians
BaconAngel: based on these 30 seconds
Pseudonym: hmmmm.
Pseudonym: what about
Pseudonym: "jump into the battlefield" from the dynasty warriors 5 soundtrack
Pseudonym: that one is pretty good
BaconAngel: ah, but was it did it feature the English word "Jump" in the original japanese title?
BaconAngel: It's a trick!
Pseudonym: haha
BaconAngel: DO NOT BE FOOLED
Pseudonym: it might actually
Pseudonym: hmmm
BaconAngel: I don't buy it
Pseudonym: haha
Pseudonym: THAT WOULD NOT COINCIDE WITH YOUR REALITY
BaconAngel: hey, I am LOOKING FOR THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE ME WRONG AREN'T I?!
BaconAngel: AND NOTHING IS COMING UP
BaconAngel: hahahaha
BaconAngel: my god this is the worst cover
BaconAngel: look up Jump by Tender Buttons
BaconAngel: it's THE PITS
BaconAngel: there is a j-pop song on here called jump
BaconAngel: I will concede it may not suck if you are into j-pop
Pseudonym: j-pop is sometimes good...........................
BaconAngel: most of which sounds exactly the same
Pseudonym: I CAN'T EVEN HEAR HAHAHAHHA
Pseudonym: THIS SONG
Pseudonym: the tender buttons shit
Pseudonym: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
BaconAngel: hahaha
Pseudonym: is this some high schooler with a computer mic?
BaconAngel: it's like someone just did a bunch of heroin and went to do kareoke
Pseudonym: this reminds me of joke songs i used to make that sounded like this
BaconAngel: then
BaconAngel: the kareoke machine broke and he didn't notice
Pseudonym: haha
Pseudonym: ka ka kakakakowwwww
BaconAngel: maybe that's the Tender Buttons "thing"
BaconAngel: I don't know, I have not done extensive research into all these JUMP bands
BaconAngel: The Jump from The Fly soundtrack, another example of the soundtrack/the rule
BaconAngel: SYMPHONIC ARRANGEMENT OF VAN HALEN'S JUMP
BaconAngel: THIS IS SUCH A WASTE OF INSTRUMENTS
BaconAngel: you get a whole symphony together and you get a result that sounds like a bad midi file
Pseudonym: ugh
BaconAngel: HAHA WHAT THE FUCK
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: you have to listen to this
BaconAngel: JUMP! by Assist and The Sunrunners
BaconAngel: listen to the lyrics

BaconAngel: hmm, I think these jump songs are actually on the whole getting better the less popular they are
BaconAngel: so your choices are for a Jump titled song are terrible or unpopular
BaconAngel: why am I still listening to this shit

[On Stage Presence]
Pseudonym: wow, i cracked my guitar pick already
BaconAngel: I think real rock stars break the whole guitar, not just the pick
BaconAngel: but I guess you're just starting out
BaconAngel: you'll work up to it

[On Hits]
BaconAngel: man the first 2 bars of Ode to Joy- especially when you get every fourth note wrong or accidentally mute the string- man it sounds so sweet that I don't think I've even going to bother learning to play other songs on the guitar
BaconAngel: I mean, I don't think it can be topped
BaconAngel: why even put the four other strings on the guitar
BaconAngel: ya only need 2!

[On Childhood Memories]
BaconAngel: were you a 'disturbed child', Pseudonym S_______?
Pseudonym: actually no, my childhood was probably the best time of my life
BaconAngel: did you draw teddy bears with spider faces
Pseudonym: but i was a WEIRD KID WHO WOULD RATHER PLAY NINTENDO THAN WITH OTHER CHILDREN, OR PLAY NINTENDO WITH OTHER CHILDREN
BaconAngel: YOU'RE WEIRD
BaconAngel: KID
Pseudonym: I BET YOU WERE A STRANGE FELLOW
Pseudonym: I BET YOU MASTURBATED TO RERUNS OF "ALF"
Pseudonym: AT AGE 6
BaconAngel: WHY USE THE PAST TENSE?
Pseudonym: hahaha

[On Sleeziness]
BaconAngel: [NAME REMOVED] needs some acting motivation to make with the sleeziness
BaconAngel: be like, "[NAME REMOVED], imagine you are the kind of guy that if given the opprotunity he would replace his normal door knocker with one that looked like a pair of titties, and would congratulate himself for being so clever because of the whole "heh, 'KNOCKERS' pun."
BaconAngel: "Your idea of a good time is 2 skanky broads pawing at your leather jacket that stinks equally of cigarettes and AXE body spray."
BaconAngel: "All your magazine subscriptions are the kind that come in opaque packaging for discretion."

[On Doug]
BaconAngel: (I never actually watched hit show "DOUG")
Pseudonym: HEY IT'S SKEETER, THE SLIGHTLY AFRICAN-AMERICAN-IF-HE-WEREN'T-SO-BLUE CHARACTER
Pseudonym: consider yourself blessed
BaconAngel: that's a, you know, symbology
BaconAngel: "Why is the modern black man so BLUE?" it dares to ask

[On Balance]
BaconAngel: I think if the project I am working on turns out to be as cutesy as it very well might be I'm going to spend the month after my contract is up drawing nothing but hardcore pornography just to balance myself out art-wise
BaconAngel: "Hey I heard you worked on that one game, that was really cute. What are you working on now?"
BaconAngel: "HOT BITCHES."
BaconAngel: "HOT BITCHES WITH GUNS.

Update: 1-31-2008
[On Dying]
 BaconAngel: THE CASKETRON 9000 FEATURES A BUILT IN NINTENDO 64 AND VIRTUAL REALITY GOGGLES
BaconAngel: THAT WAY YOUR RECENTLY DECEASED CAN MAKE BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE NOT QUITE SO DEAD BY IMMERSING THEMSELVES IN A WORLD OF VIRTUAL FANTASY

[On Team Building]
 BaconAngel: "It's a shame your costars don't share your enthusiasm and energy! I wish I was in a youtube comedy troupe. Even though nobody watches them, they look like a blast to be in. vroom"
Pseudonym: "youtube comedy troupe"... pff
Pseudonym: YEAH, I WISH TOO
Pseudonym: instead of "various groups of people who come together and disband frequently."
BaconAngel: maybe you just need to meet more people that lead a more troupe-centric lifestyle
BaconAngel: freelance troupers
BaconAngel: like I dunno
BaconAngel: circus performers
BaconAngel: YOU SHOULD HAVE WENT TO CLOWN COLLEGE
BaconAngel: CLOWN COLLEGE FILM SCHOOL
BaconAngel: graduate with a BA in YUCKS

[On Internet Commentators]
 BaconAngel: who the hell is "[NAME REMOVED]" in the comments section
BaconAngel: I ask because of her insightful comments of "lol"
BaconAngel: and "Wow. I'd hate to have job like that."
Pseudonym: i don't know, but she has been posting comments on every single video i have posted since last year.
Pseudonym: she is a "YOUTUBE FAN" !
BaconAngel: her profile depresses the shit out of me
BaconAngel: "As you can most likely tell from my name, I am a dancer. It is my passion. One of these days I will be able to post videos of me dancing. All I need is someone with a video camera and someone with the knowledge of how to upload videos onto the internet. Wish me luck with that.
Someday, if I get lucky, I will get to be a part of some fan movie or something that will be posted on YouTube. Also, again if I'm lucky, I will one day go to a cosplay convention and find out what is so amazing about them."
BaconAngel: like I read this
BaconAngel: and I want to start drinking whisky in response
BaconAngel: and I don't even drink
BaconAngel: ever
Pseudonym: yep.
Pseudonym: WELL,
Pseudonym: i can't knock MY FANS, KEVIN.
Pseudonym: THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE
Pseudonym: THEY HAVE GOOD TASTE IN WHAT YOUTUBE VIDEOS THEY WATCH.
BaconAngel: THIS ONE ISN'T
Pseudonym: ahaha
BaconAngel: THIS IS A BAD APPLE
BaconAngel: "Currently I am slowly going insane since I have no job and just sit around my house and have no social life because all my friends are in college and I can't affort it. I appreciate people who respond to my comments on videos because I like knowing that my comments are worthy of someone's attention."
BaconAngel: I am so sad reading this
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: when she dances is it like
BaconAngel: a sad, depressing dance
Pseudonym: that..... quote
Pseudonym: is like...
Pseudonym: i can't tell if you made it up
BaconAngel: is her big dance number called like, the "Narcoleptic Shambler"?
BaconAngel: MAN I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP
BaconAngel: [LINK TO PROFILE REMOVED]
Pseudonym: .............
Pseudonym: ..............
Pseudonym: WOW.
Pseudonym: POOR "[NAME REMOVED]"
BaconAngel: Interests and Hobbies: Dancing, jewelry making, reading, listening to music, watching videos on YouTube, writing fanfictions(if your interested in reading them, go to [LINK TO FANFICTION ARCHIVE REMOVED]. Please Review, and tell me that your from youtube).
BaconAngel: you are a big hit with the socially reclusive dancing and fan faction author communities!
BaconAngel: CONGRATULATIONS
Pseudonym: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Pseudonym: KEVIN PLEASE DON'T RUIN MY MOMENT, I THOUGHT I HAD A COOL FAN
Pseudonym: WHO REALLY LIKED, WHO - WHO REALLY LIKED MY VIDEOS AND WAS NOT A CRAZY STALKER.
BaconAngel: now you can never say anything bad about fanfiction writers or cosplayers because SHE WILL KNOW
Pseudonym: OH SHIT.
Pseudonym: nah, she'd probably just go HEY THAT'S ME!
Pseudonym: and love the recognition
BaconAngel: SHE IS SUBSCRIBED TO YOUR ASS LIKE A TAPEWORM TO A DOG STOMACH
BaconAngel: DUHN DUHN DUHN
Pseudonym: >:{
BaconAngel: because of [VIDEO TITLE REMOVED] she will continue to be unemployed because this is her only encounter with the concept of "working"
BaconAngel: SHE WOULD HATE TO HAVE A JOB LIKE THAT
Pseudonym: haha
BaconAngel: maybe you should dub me over to appeal to your CORE FAN BASE: "DO YOU LIKE FAN-FICTION?! VROOM!"
BaconAngel: I LOVE FAN-FICTION
BaconAngel: FAN-FICTION IS GREAT

BaconAngel: you know what would be really fucking mean?
BaconAngel: looking up one of her fan fictions and making a parody video of it
BaconAngel: like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk9QYnVw6oc
Pseudonym: HAHA
Pseudonym: that would be horribly counterproductive...... and very mean
BaconAngel: yes well
BaconAngel: um
BaconAngel: what's your point exactly
BaconAngel: Author has written 4 stories for Final Fantasy VII, Harry Potter, Resident Evil, and Kingdom Hearts.
BaconAngel: I BET THEY ARE BRILLIANT
Pseudonym: ............
Pseudonym: please...............
Pseudonym: no more.
BaconAngel: I AM TEMPTED TO READ ONE AND TELL YOU HOW FUCKING HORRIBLE IT IS
BaconAngel: which of these things do I give the least shit about
BaconAngel: let's just go for the one with the least words
BaconAngel: god I can't even skim this
BaconAngel: I don't know shit about harry potter
BaconAngel: but this sentence fragment:
BaconAngel: "It had taken what felt like an eternity to make him see that she truly didn’t care that he was a werewolf, that she didn’t mind that by marrying him..."
BaconAngel: doesn't make me want to start knowing more
BaconAngel: in fact I wish I knew less
Pseudonym: kevin, for god's sake, he's a werewolf. and she LOVES him.
Pseudonym: isn't that BEAUTIFUL?
BaconAngel: and now I've closed the window
BaconAngel: NO
BaconAngel: HE IS A HELLSPAWN AND KILLED MY FUCKING SHEEP AND SHAT ON MY RUG
BaconAngel: FUCK HIM
BaconAngel: HEY
BaconAngel: maybe you'll get a fan-fic written about YOU some day!
Pseudonym: :D
Pseudonym: some girl in high school painted a picture of me one time
BaconAngel: are you excited to read about Pseudonym's Forbidden Werewolf Love?
Pseudonym: and i didn't know about it for 2 years
BaconAngel: ...
BaconAngel: that's, uh
BaconAngel: that's pretty creepy
Pseudonym: yep.
Pseudonym: she was cool, but it pretty much got to the point of "i'm your girlfriend or i will never talk to you again"
Pseudonym: GUESS WHICH ONE I PICKED
BaconAngel: running away in slow motion, then jumping dramatically JUST as she explodes in the background?
BaconAngel: BOOM!
BaconAngel: am I right?
Pseudonym: yup

BaconAngel: [NAME REMOVED] says "wow." and "lol. fun stuff."
BaconAngel: you should make a movie called "lol fun stuff"
BaconAngel: appeal to your core demographic of....random motherfuckers.

Pseudonym: i have 2 "funny concept but maybe not the best execution" videos i will send you
Pseudonym: which i am debating uploading, or waiting for next weekend and reshooting
BaconAngel: WHY DON'T YOU ASK !~[NAME REMOVED]~!
Pseudonym: HAHAHA
Pseudonym: SHUT UP, IT'S MY FIRST FAN EVER, I'M , YOU KNOW , I'M REALLY DOIN' IT FOR, FOR THE FANS
Pseudonym: I'M DOIN' IT FOR THE FANS
BaconAngel: I bet she'd have some insightful commentary!
BaconAngel: perhaps "lol", or "I liked the part where I laughed."
Pseudonym: "I THINK THIS VIDEO IS GREAT BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF YOU SHOT ANOTHER ONE ALSO"
Pseudonym: a"POSITIVE FOR BOTH SIDES" response!
BaconAngel: maybe you should film some "Muhammed-style" dancing
Pseudonym: "Fanboy teaches You How to Dance" .... in first person, and looking forward
BaconAngel: this is something a dancer of [NAME REMOVED]'s caliber will appreciate, because nobody can see her dancing either because she's too retarded to operate a video camera.
Pseudonym: i think you want to be like [NAME REMOVED]
BaconAngel: in what sense, exactly?
Pseudonym: ALL SENSES.
Pseudonym: i think you envy her position, several feet away from the spotlight, in the dark area nobody sees.
BaconAngel: so you are saying my secret desire is to be a depressing, poorly articulated female who may or may not be able to dance.
BaconAngel: HOW DID YOU KNOW!?
Pseudonym: that's exactly right.
Pseudonym: that's the only reason you can be talking about her.
BaconAngel: hey I'm like the Air Force
BaconAngel: I AIM HIGH
BaconAngel: if I had a video camera
BaconAngel: I would make a video response to her....well, she doesn't have any videos of her own so I guess it would be just a response to her existance in general...
BaconAngel: entitled:
BaconAngel: "RE: [NAME REMOVED]: What is it like to live the dream?"
Pseudonym: you would probably cause her to commit suicide
BaconAngel: I would rent a fancy suit and a porsche
BaconAngel: narrating my tale of envy whilst riding horseback and playing golf
BaconAngel: occasionally pausing to take a puff from a nice Cuban cigar
BaconAngel: "All of this...emptiness. To what you have, [NAME REMOVED]."
BaconAngel: I may require a copyright free recording of a Chopin sonata from you to set the proper mood:
BaconAngel: "high-brow tragedy"

BaconAngel: would you be offended if I posted the "[NAME REMOVED] conversation" on my aimblog?
Pseudonym: hahaha
Pseudonym: hold on
BaconAngel: she really is a treasure trove of abstract and tragic hilarity

[On Writing Problems]
 BaconAngel: THIS CALLS FOR DESPERATE MEASURES PEOPLE
BaconAngel: THAT'S IT
BaconAngel: WE'RE GOING UP TO
BaconAngel: RETCON 5
BaconAngel: TELL THE WRITERS TO START THINKING ABOUT PARALLEL UNIVERSES

[On Scientology]
 Pseudonym: see if you can extract ONE iota of information from this video
Pseudonym: http://youtube.com/watch?v=UFBZ_uAbxS0
BaconAngel: is the Mission Impossible soundtrack ironic or not?
Pseudonym: i .... don't know.
BaconAngel: I have gleaned the information that Scientologists can be used as tow trucks at scenes of car accidents
BaconAngel: TOM CRUISE WANTS TO ROMP
BaconAngel: BUT HE CAN'T
BaconAngel: BECAUSE HE'S AN MULTIMILLIONAIRE ACTOR GODDAMMIT
BaconAngel: HE'S GOT RESPONSIBILITIES

BaconAngel: IT'S WILD AND WOOLY AND IT'S A BLAST?!
BaconAngel: SIGN MY ASS UP

BaconAngel: "Get those spectators onto the field or out of the arena"?
BaconAngel: WHAT KIND OF SHITBALL SPORT IS THAT
BaconAngel: "LET'S PLAY SOME FOOTBALL WITH 10,000 PLAYERS TO A TEAM", SAYS CRUISE

Pseudonym: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pG49lg5AU
BaconAngel: Travolta pretty much said Scientologist celebrities do not die for any reason
BaconAngel: SOUNDS LEGIT
BaconAngel: SCIENTOLOGY IS NOT A WORD THAT "MEANS" ANYTHING YOU SLICK HAIRED MOTHERFUCKER
BaconAngel: YOU MADE IT UP BECAUSE IT SOUNDS QUASI-LEGITIMATE TO MORONS
Pseudonym: http://youtube.com/watch?v=cc_wjp262RY
BaconAngel: "YOU'VE JUST BEEN THROUGH A TRAUMATIC SITUATION, WOULD HAVING A CULTIST FEEL YOU UP HELP ANY?"
BaconAngel: CRUISE VS THE COUCH?
BaconAngel: is he gonna fight a couch
BaconAngel: that would be great
BaconAngel: especially
BaconAngel: if he lost

Pseudonym: WOW MAN
Pseudonym: HE JUST CAN'T
Pseudonym: GET AN IDEA OUT
Pseudonym: WOW
BaconAngel: NOPE! NOPE NO NU NOPE! MASKIN' THE NOPE! THE PROB NOPE LEM! PROBLeM
BaconAngel: HAHAHA he totally contradicted himself in the space of 3 SECONDS
BaconAngel: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT RITALIN IS, IT'S LIKE
BaconAngel: EVIL!
BaconAngel: DID YOU READ THIS PAPER THAT SAYS "RITALIN IS EVIL"?
BaconAngel: NO!
BaconAngel: YOU DON'T KNOW THE HISTORY!
Pseudonym: haha
BaconAngel: OF ME WRITING THIS PAPER THAT SAYS THIS
BaconAngel: hey you know the ideal situation is not to have a cast on your leg
BaconAngel: so if you have a broken leg?
BaconAngel: YOU DON'T PUT A CAST ON YOUR LEG
BaconAngel: THAT IS NOT THE IDEAL SITUATION
BaconAngel: COME ON MAN
BaconAngel: THINK ABOUT IT

BaconAngel: HAHHA
BaconAngel: XENU IS MING THE MERCILESS
BaconAngel: HOLY CRAP THEY DIDN'T EVEN COME UP WITH ORIGINAL CHARACTER DESIGNS FOR THEIR WACKJOB RELIGION

[On This Shirt]
BaconAngel: also I am thinking this shirt I bought is worthless in many ways
BaconAngel: I think it is soon to be relegated to "smock" status
Pseudonym: what KIDN OF A SHITSHTIAST?
BaconAngel: it's a long sleeve...not a sweatshirt not a dress shirt
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: those shirts they wear in The Matrix when they are outside of The Matrix and are dressed like post-apocalyptic refugees
BaconAngel: except theirs fit better and did not have "rad graphics" on it, which I still kind of like even though I am not entirely sure if it actually identifies me as a French communist
BaconAngel: maybe it would be better if I had gotten a smaller size, because this thing could easily accomidate a neck the width of an oak tree stump
BaconAngel: also it fails on the reason I purchased it, which was to be slightly warmer than "normal long sleeve dress shirt" but not as hot as "full on 'cold weather clothing' clothing", because it really isn't any better and it if I wear a normal long sleeve underneath it I look like an idiot AND it's too warm
BaconAngel: I think eventually I might have to repurpose this shirt and make a 'non-gay throw pillow' out of it
Pseudonym: hahah
Pseudonym: non-gay
BaconAngel: well, what else do you call a pillow that has no absolute purpose
BaconAngel: but this would have this...graphics shit on it
BaconAngel: so it would be like "I AM A PILLOW BUT FUCK YOU"
BaconAngel: "I AM NOT HERE TO TAKE YOUR SHIT"
BaconAngel: you know what, I think I just realized the purpose of this gament
BaconAngel: it is the kind of shirt designed explicitly for being ripped apart to make a makeshift tourniquet in a first aid emergency situation
BaconAngel: or arm slings
BaconAngel: or bandages
BaconAngel: I guess the theory is like those soup bowls that are made of tortilla so it's like WOW YOU CAN EAT THE BOWL; instead of carrying around first aid related fabrics all nily willy (like having a seperate SIDE of tortilla chips) you can merely UTILIZE THE OUTER LAYER
BaconAngel: BRILLIANT
BaconAngel: all I need now is a tactical vest full of morphine syringes to put underneath it and I will be ALL SET
Pseudonym: i can't remember what a tourniquet is
BaconAngel: it turns out not to be what I thought it was
BaconAngel: it's a rope or strap or whatever you put around a limb and tighten to stop the bloodflow so the dude doesn't bleed to death
BaconAngel: I thought it was an arm sling, but it turns out the word for arm sling is "arm sling"
BaconAngel: whooooooops
BaconAngel: oh well, it's not like I could really help at the scene of an accident anyway, as I am not Tom Cruise

[On MLK Day Events]
BaconAngel: A traditional way of celebrating Martin Luther King Day is to do one's laundry
BaconAngel: others choose to celebrate by going to the bank, and then realizing it's not open

[On Cars]
BaconAngel: also I got "car game"
BaconAngel: and it turns out there's a reason I don't really play racing games
BaconAngel: and that is I have all the driving ability of Jello mold
BaconAngel: so just in case I ever get filthy, "my house has a remotely-opened gate out front" rich
BaconAngel: I am counting on you to prevent me from purchasing a very nice car
BaconAngel: or if you can't manage that
BaconAngel: putting a parking boot on it
BaconAngel: otherwise I would almost certainly destroy myself, several houses and a dry cleaners in the first 17 seconds after I turned the ignition on
BaconAngel: it's a good thing the game I got doesn't have realistic collision modelling because that would be very depressing
BaconAngel: half a lap in and my ferrari would be reduced to "modern public sculpture"

[On Romance Novels]
BaconAngel: are you reading out of your "romance section" novels again?
BaconAngel: I don't want nothin' to do with that smut
Pseudonym: hah, you know what, at work, there is a "MISCELLANEOUS BOOKSHELF" i guess for people who have nothing to do on break, and it's filled with shitty used romance novels
BaconAngel: what...what do you mean by...
BaconAngel: "used"?
Pseudonym: there is male DNA all over them
BaconAngel: yuck
Pseudonym: like, tattered
BaconAngel: that just seems like a...
BaconAngel: you know
BaconAngel: I don't see in what way that would increase productivity
BaconAngel: you should steal them all
BaconAngel: and see what happens
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: I don't imagine anyone's going to get real steamed over it
BaconAngel: and if anyone does
BaconAngel: I think it would be worth it
Pseudonym: hahhaa
Pseudonym: well, there are a large amount of old women where i work
Pseudonym: they may make up like at least 30% of the workplace in fact
BaconAngel: "WHAT HAPPENED TO LUST IN THE LAGOON?!"
Pseudonym: like, betty-white-style ladies
Pseudonym: and i'm pretty sure one of them was reading one of the books, because i saw one lying in the BREAK ROOM, AWAY FROM THE SHELF
Pseudonym: i bet you someone came in, and they were like "OH NO! I'D BETTER PUT THIS DOWN!"
Pseudonym: "I DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT READING THIS WOMEN'S SMUT!"
Pseudonym: and then they never reclaimed it because "they weren't reading it in the first place"
BaconAngel: if I were in a break room taking a break and someone was reading romance novels next to me in a non-ironic fashion, I do not think I would feel refreshed by then end of that break
Pseudonym: haha
BaconAngel: I think it would end up being a pretty tense social situation
BaconAngel: maybe it's just me
BaconAngel: but I am not equipped to make polite small talk about erections in the time of sail or whatever other shit is in there
Pseudonym: hahah
Pseudonym: women's romance is about intimacy
Pseudonym: that's what's hot to them.
BaconAngel: I am sure Captain Chestplank "Thobbing" O'Doogan has some deep emotions that he's just waiting for the right wench to let them all out on
Pseudonym: hahah
Pseudonym: ugh
BaconAngel: you know you totally have an opprotunity here to destroy the dignity of anyone you don't particularly like here, by getting a fancy bookmark with their initials monogrammed on it and then leaving it stuck in one of those books

[On Guitars]
BaconAngel: I am putting my newfound 'going to have money' situation to really poor use by buying a guitar; and though I know that idea offends you on general priniciple, rest assured that I will almost certainly fail to learn how to play it.
BaconAngel: You will be additionally affronted by the fact that it is not a flying V, X, or other alphanumeric symbol.
Pseudonym: WHAT?
Pseudonym: what is wrong with you?
Pseudonym: you must purchase a flying V.
Pseudonym: and you must learn shredding.
BaconAngel: I got the cheapest guitar+amp combo I could find
Pseudonym: is it electric?
Pseudonym: oh, good.
Pseudonym: that's cool then.
BaconAngel: yeah, it's a les paul
Pseudonym: you're not a damned ann arbor music-on-the-street hippie.
Pseudonym: so, what was the motivation?
BaconAngel: which is the guitar of choice for Slash and Jan Akkerman, who are phenominal badasses
BaconAngel: I want to be smug towards people that play too much Guitar Hero
BaconAngel: and don't play actual guitars
Pseudonym: like "i am actually playing"
BaconAngel: yes
Pseudonym: so it is a MISSION OF SPITE
BaconAngel: plus it costs about the same almost
BaconAngel: yeah pretty much

[On Things]
BaconAngel: DEFINE "THINGS" FOR ME
BaconAngel: IT IS A CONCEPT I HAVE SOME DIFFICULTY WITH

[On Cooking]
BaconAngel: man I bite ass at cooking shit
Pseudonym: that's why you need one o' them, uh, woman-units
BaconAngel: apparently to cook a pizza you are supposed to be able to remove it from whatever you prepared it on and then be able to put it into an oven
BaconAngel: who would have thought?
BaconAngel: NOT ME OBVIOUSLY
BaconAngel: also I am guessing a 'last minute emergency abort calzone-ification manuever' is not reccomended by top chefs
BaconAngel: setting off your fire alarm probably isn't considered haute cuisine experience either
BaconAngel: the end result was kind of like in B-grade sci-fi horror movies, where they try out their crazy science experiment in teleporting or time-travel or whatever on a dog or something as their first attempt and before the main character is about to go through the procedure themselves the other scientists pull out this bucket of guts and are like, "This is what happened to test subject #1"
Pseudonym: hahaha wow
Pseudonym: is this like
Pseudonym: a frozen pizza?
Pseudonym: or like
BaconAngel: no
Pseudonym: a "from scratch" pizza
BaconAngel: I was trying to FO REAL
BaconAngel: yeah
Pseudonym: that's cool, that's more of a "whoops! oh well, first time" then "that's fucking retarded"
BaconAngel: made dough from scratch and everything
BaconAngel: but after you make the dough it takes like an hour 15 minutes before you can put it in the oven
BaconAngel: so it's like
BaconAngel: FUCK
BaconAngel: it's like if you were watching a movie in a theater and it's really good, and then on the 2nd to last reel the projector explodes
BaconAngel: and if you want to see the rest!
BaconAngel: YOU HAVE TO GO SEE THE ENTIRE MOVIE AGAIN AT A LATER DATE
BaconAngel: ARGH
BaconAngel: so that's what I'm doing now, except I am doing this Fried Pizza
BaconAngel: which hopefully proves to be less "bullshit"
BaconAngel: I am really going to be ashamed of myself if this fucks up too
BaconAngel: I do have an emergency backup frozen pizza
BaconAngel: but it would taste bitterly of defeat

BaconAngel: I am starting to be somewhat peeved at uplifting cartoon Ratatouille for making cooking seem to be a fun breezy endevour that ANYONE even YOU or I could do in a FUN BREEZY MANNER
BaconAngel: IT'S CHEERY OPTIMISM MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE
BaconAngel: Man I was just about to say something about how I wish I was so stinking rich I could just hire some english-accented manservant to do all this piddling crap for me, you know with a name like "Dilophosaurus", but then I was like 'wait, "Dilophosaurus" isn't a butler name where the hell did that come from?'
BaconAngel: I meant like
BaconAngel: Jeeves
BaconAngel: or Reginald
BaconAngel: Dilophosaurus is really way off base

[On Satellite Navigation]
BaconAngel: My dad sent me this GPS thing, which probably isn't a whole lot of of use when you already know how to get most everywhere you're trying to go. But it did send me to some interesting places I'd never been before, even around here: namely, off the road into a bunch of wet grass when I was trying adjust the damn thing to not tell me to keep getting on the traffic jammed highway
BaconAngel: I guess it'll be more useful when I have actual reasons to go place I am not sure where they are
BaconAngel: so far though I don't have an experience good enough to be like "Yeah Dad it's great I just got it and it worked like a charm when i told it to take me to X"
BaconAngel: I figure if I call him up and tell him that thus far his generous gift has proven to be an expensive, dangerous, and worthless distraction that may come off as a bit rude.

Update: 12-22-2007

[On Travel Reservations]
BaconAngel: what kinda of asshole airline decides it's a good idea to book someone to depart on a connecting flight 5 hours before they arrive there??
Pseudonym: yeah, that's bullshit, maybe look around the city for a few hours?
BaconAngel: what?
BaconAngel: by a few hours you mean "INDEFINATELY"?
BaconAngel: because unless there is a time machine to send me 5 hours into the past at the airport that just doesn't work, period
BaconAngel: it's not a 5 hour layover
BaconAngel: it's a -5 hour layover
BaconAngel: unbelievable
BaconAngel: and now I'm hold with a travelocity person, who is themselves on hold with the airline
BaconAngel: and this hold audio is killing my fucking brain
BaconAngel: AFTER 30 REPITITIONS I THINK I UNDERSTAND HOW E-TICKETS AND TSA SECURITY GUIDELINES WORK
BaconAngel: I DO NOT BELEIVE THESE TWO OVERLY CHEERFUL FUCKS ARE HAVING A "SLICE OF LIFE" CONVERSATION ABOUT THESE ISSUES
Pseudonym: oh
Pseudonym: 5 hours EARLIER?
Pseudonym: WHAT?!
Pseudonym: that's...
Pseudonym: stupid.
BaconAngel: and trying to inject sterile 'humor' into it JUST MAKES IT WORSE
Pseudonym: HAHA
Pseudonym: what humor?
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: "you're saying I don't have to take anything except a government ID to the airport with an e-tciket?" "Nope! well, maybe your luggage!"
BaconAngel: "VERY FUNNY!" :)
BaconAngel: UGH
BaconAngel: FUCK YOU CHEERFUL WOMAN
BaconAngel: but yeah this is fucking retarded
BaconAngel: I was originally supposed to go from SF to minneapolis but apparently that flight go cancelled, so they changed it to SF to houston and then houston for MN
BaconAngel: ARRIVE AT MN: 10:06
BaconAngel: DEPART FROM MN:
BaconAngel: 5:05
BaconAngel: YEAH THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE
BaconAngel: you'd think the airline booking system would be SLIGHTLY less retarded than this
BaconAngel: since this crap must happen for like 96 people per flight every time they cancel a flight
BaconAngel: I DON'T BUY THIS PARABLE ABOUT CANCELLING A TICKET TO NEW YORK BECAUSE THIS 'DIEHARD FAN' OF 'UNSPECIFIED SPORTS TEAM' FORGOT THAT THE 'BIG GAME' WAS THIS WEEKEND
BaconAngel: NOR HIS DELIVERY OF THE LINE
BaconAngel: 'BLAH BLAH BLAH, RULES RULES RULES.'
BaconAngel: I also like I've had like 5 times where the person on the phone has been like, "Hey dude I'm still dicking around please hold for another 3-4 minutes, ok?"
BaconAngel: (WAIT 10 MINUTES)
BaconAngel: "Hey dude I'm still dicking around please hold for another 3-4 minutes, ok?"
BaconAngel: UGH
BaconAngel: ARGH YOU HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT THE CARRYON RULES CHANGING!?
BaconAngel: CHECK THE MOTHERFUCKING TSA WEBSITE BITCH!
BaconAngel: "WHAT WEBSITE?"
BaconAngel: THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING TSA WEBSITE! IT'S T FUCKING S MOTHERFUCKING A DOT GOV!
BaconAngel: jesus god
Pseudonym: are you STILL on hold?
BaconAngel: I just got off the phone, the resolution is NO RESOLUTION
Pseudonym: ugh, WHAT!?!
Pseudonym: ASS!
Pseudonym: whatreyougonnado?
BaconAngel: because THEY got annoyed with being on hold with the airline for half an hour!
BaconAngel: so now I have to CALL THEM BACK in a half hour!
Pseudonym: ugh
BaconAngel: good GRAVY
BaconAngel: why don't THEY call ME back instead of WASTING MY FUCKING TIME
BaconAngel: this is fucking absurd
BaconAngel: so who knows when I'm actually going to arrive in Michigan now
BaconAngel: trying to reroute a flight schedule for the next day, less than a week before Christmas
BaconAngel: THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP, TRAVELOCITY/CONTINENTAL
BaconAngel: way to keep me in the loop on this shit
BaconAngel: by, you know, NOT FUCKING TELLING ME that you changed me to a PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE SCHEDULE until I tried to CHECK IN
BaconAngel: WAY
BaconAngel: TO
BaconAngel: GO
BaconAngel: CLAP
BaconAngel: CLAP
BaconAngel: CLAP

BaconAngel: ALL RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS
BaconAngel: LET'S RUMBLE
BaconAngel: FUCK I AM ON HOLD AGAIN!
BaconAngel: ALREADY!
BaconAngel: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
BaconAngel: well at least I've learned ONE thing
BaconAngel: and that is Indian people pronounce my last name as "Ah-Nell"
BaconAngel: I really despise this hold audio
BaconAngel: I want to hunt down the people responsible and remove all the body parts they need to allow them to speak
BaconAngel: why can't they have the Xbox LIVE hold music
BaconAngel: which is just the Halo choir monks
BaconAngel: aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAHHH.....
BaconAngel: relaxing
BaconAngel: not
BaconAngel: INFURIATING
BaconAngel: "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FORGOT THE GAME WAS THIS WEEKEND! YOU'RE A DIEHARD!"
BaconAngel: FUCK YOU HOLD AUDIO LADY
Pseudonym: halo music sucks >:{
BaconAngel: IT IS BETTER THAN LISTENING TO PEOPLE GAB ON ABOUT AIRLINE RESERVATION MINUTIA FOR 2 FUCKING HOURS

Update: 12-19-2007

[On Buisness Propositions]
BaconAngel: DEAR MR. SIR:
BaconAngel: I THINK YOU ARE A TERRIFIC ASSHOLE.
BaconAngel: I MEAN IT!
BaconAngel: I WISH TO EXPLOIT THAT FACT FOR MY OWN COMMERCIAL GAIN!
BaconAngel: GIVE ME A "HOLLA"
BaconAngel: SINCERELY,
BaconAngel: SAMPSON Q. BARNABY

[On Predictions]
 BaconAngel: you know what I find vaguely annoying?
Pseudonym: WHAT
BaconAngel: my brother-in-law's mother did a tarot card reading for me when I was in Vegas
BaconAngel: and that shit is so full of shit
Pseudonym: oh for real
Pseudonym: what did you get
Pseudonym: i'm always interested in those "predictions"
BaconAngel: not that I want to be rude or anything
BaconAngel: so it's not like I said so to her face
BaconAngel: but my natural inclination is to intentionally try to do the opppsite of bullshit predictions just to prove it's bullshit
BaconAngel: BUT UNFORTUNATELY
BaconAngel: EVERYTHING I GOT WAS REALLY GOOD
BaconAngel: so it's like DAMMIT
BaconAngel: WHAT DO I DO
Pseudonym: HAHAHA
Pseudonym: what did you get
Pseudonym: is there anything that was like "holy crap, that's a SHOT IN THE DARK and it's totally right"
BaconAngel: I DON'T WANT TO SUPPORT THIS POP-MYSTICISM HORSENUTS
Pseudonym: or just nebulous like "I SEE CHANGES. I SEE FINANCIAL CONCERN." which applies to every human being
BaconAngel: I wrote it down for posterity, let me find it
BaconAngel: "So, not only am I supposed to fall in madly in love, whoever feels the same way about me and yada yada everything's just rosy. Soulmates n' shit. This whole rigamarole is supposedly going to dominate what my life's about in the next year and a half.

Also, I'm supposed to move somewhere.

And not only do I get another job, but apparently it's a fucking awesome job that comes out of nowhere, and I can bend people to my will like an ancient Persian king. Also something about writing, I have no idea what that's all about. Maybe somebody will decide they want to publish my AIM blog?

So, go me, I guess. Apparently the stars (or whatever the hell the tarot's all about) decided to stop dicking around and are about to get down to their job of making my life as fucking incredible as possible.

All in all this is very flattering or whatever, but just because it's all nice and cheery doesn't make it any less horseshit. Also suspect is the fact she said the full tarot deck has 72 cards or whatever but she only used 23 or something? I mean, not that having more or less cards really makes any difference since the whole concept makes no sense whatsoever to begin with, but it seems like, 'what, did you remove all the bad cards from the deck to make them more flattering so people wouldn't want to go "MAN THIS IS SUCH GARBAGE" instead of "oh that's nice."?'

I, for one, am just going to bank on my future being "ok, maybe." Let's see who ends up being right."
Pseudonym: i like how you're supposed to move "somewhere."
Pseudonym: like... to your living room
BaconAngel: YES
BaconAngel: but this is very annoying
BaconAngel: it's not like I'm going to go, "I AM GOING TO MAKE MY LIFE INTENTIONALLY TERRIBLE JUST TO PROVE YOU WRONG."
Pseudonym: well, you can always just like... NOT tell them how your life is going so they can't go "SEE?"
Pseudonym: however, the "madly in love" bullshit seems like something you could easily say "SEE, I DIDN'T DO IT"
BaconAngel: yeah, I guess
BaconAngel: "Sorry, baby, I like you and everything, but..."
BaconAngel: "...I hate tarot cards more than I like you."
BaconAngel: this could be a funny scenario for a short film, somebody going increasingly frantic in his SEEMINGLY FUTILE efforts to evade a predicted GOOD FORTUNE
BaconAngel: "YOU WON THE POWERBALL!!"
BaconAngel: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
BaconAngel: also, is it rude of me to think, "man, shut the fuck up" whenever my mother reads horoscopes out loud to me?
BaconAngel: because no offense mom
BaconAngel: but I am not an idiot
BaconAngel: I could probably have come up with a more articulate and gentle way to put that, but I don't think horoscopes deserve that much respect
BaconAngel: apologies to you if you are big into the horoscopes and have magic crystal ball trinket pseudo-mystic paraphanalia scattered about your domicile

BaconAngel: so, in conclusion
BaconAngel: in a year from now when I've become a destitute, lonely hobo
BaconAngel: I hope my sense of smug superiority will keep me warm.

[On Maracas]
 BaconAngel: Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a marac...a guy who played the maracas. Like, in a band.
BaconAngel: BUT THAT WHOLE SCENE GOT FUCKED
BaconAngel: so what is there for a guy who went to university for maraca theory?
Pseudonym: wow
Pseudonym: shit
Pseudonym: that's uh
Pseudonym: ...
Pseudonym: sheesh.
BaconAngel: now I wander from town to town
BaconAngel: getting in adventures, being the guy on the maracas when no one else is there to rise to the challenge
BaconAngel: often a small club band will be getting a poor response
BaconAngel: and they know they could use a little SPICY FLAVOR
BaconAngel: I rise to the challenge, and show them just what a maraca will do
BaconAngel: and then like that, I am off, getting into another "scrape"
BaconAngel: but I leave behind-
BaconAngel: the small seed of the maraca
BaconAngel: one day to bloom into a full-grown maraca culture again
BaconAngel: THE MARACA SHALL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT
BaconAngel: SHAKE ON, SWEET MARACA
BaconAngel: SHAKE ON

[On FWDs]
 BaconAngel: NO FORWARDED EMAIL SUBJECT YOU WILL NOT GUILT ME INTO READING YOU
BaconAngel: "FW: [Fwd: Fw: Are you to busy to read this and show how much you care]"
BaconAngel: FUCK YOU!
BaconAngel: THREE FUCKING FWD TAGS?!
BaconAngel: DELETED!
BaconAngel: I'm not going to put up with that bullshit
Pseudonym: wow
Pseudonym: what the hell
BaconAngel: I wonder when my mom is going to realize that I delete every email I recieve that has a FWD tag on it out of hand
BaconAngel: because telling her "I delete every email I recieve that has a FWD tag on it out of hand" obviously did not work

[On Encouragement]
 Pseudonym: damn it man
Pseudonym: you know what
Pseudonym: life is actually kind of empty
Pseudonym: unless i'm producing something, like film
BaconAngel: well you just gotta, you gotta fill it up
BaconAngel: fill up that life gas tank
BaconAngel: and you gotta GO
BaconAngel: GO
BaconAngel: GO
BaconAngel: vroom vroom
BaconAngel: CARS
BaconAngel: see this is a metaphor
BaconAngel: a metaphor for LIFE
BaconAngel: LIFE and CARS
Pseudonym: NO
Pseudonym: NO.
Pseudonym: NO.
BaconAngel: because, you can't, it, they just won't GO without somethin' , something to FILL EM UP
BaconAngel: SO YOU GOT TO GO TO THE AMACO
BaconAngel: AND SAY FILL 'ER UP
BaconAngel: PREMIUM
BaconAngel: UNLEADED
BaconAngel: LIFE!

[On Flint, Michigan 2]
 BaconAngel: apparently certain sectors of flint are actually safe, you know why?
BaconAngel: because they are surrounded by miles and miles of abandoned, unused factory space
BaconAngel: it's like living in the post-apocalypse, only NOW
BaconAngel: YOU CAN LIVE THE LIFE OF THE FUTURE
BaconAngel: IN FLINT MICHIGAN
BaconAngel: TODAY!

[On Social Network "Friends"]
 BaconAngel: YOU HAVE A NEW FRIEND
Pseudonym: :D
BaconAngel: with an anime character with a malproportioned head for a background
BaconAngel: obviously you are on the fast track to...something
Pseudonym: WOW COOL
Pseudonym: HE'S LIKE
Pseudonym: A REAL LIFE FRIEND
Pseudonym: EXCEPT I DON'T KNOW HIM ACTUALLY
BaconAngel: so he's a "I KNOW THIS PERSON SO I'D BETTER CALL HIM MY FRIEND" friend
Pseudonym: YUP
BaconAngel: because what if you asked him randomly
BaconAngel: "ARE YOU MY FRIEND?"
BaconAngel: he would feel like a jerk if he said "NO!"
BaconAngel: so it is a PRE-EMPTIVE FRIENDSHIP INQUIRY STRIKE
Pseudonym: some people (poor-quality individuals) get a "kick" out of saying NO!
BaconAngel: I don't like that, how come there's no room for "NEUTRAL ACQUAINTENCE"
BaconAngel: it's either FRIEND or NO FRIEND AT ALL (ENEMY!!!)
Pseudonym: you're RIGHT
Pseudonym: they might as well just assume everyone on the site are all friends, but then you can click to add an ENEMY
Pseudonym: to MAKE SURE the person KNOWS you don't like them
BaconAngel: why can't I add "VAGUE ASSOCIATES" on here
Pseudonym: because that's the american usage of the word "friend"
BaconAngel: and then we can do a Nuclear Launch Silo type double-key device that will activate the MUTUTAL ACTUAL FRIEND STATUS

[On Radar Men From the Moon]
 BaconAngel: GOD RADAR MEN FROM THE MOON IS SO RAD SO FAR
BaconAngel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7h4ZdDFLNno
Pseudonym: what is that
BaconAngel: just check out how SMUG Mr.Henderson is!
BaconAngel: COMMANDO CODY HAS A FLYING SUIT!
BaconAngel: HE HAS TO FIGHT OFF AN INVASION FROM THE MOON
BaconAngel: THE ALIENS HAVE AN ATOMIC RAY GUN
BaconAngel: HOLY MOTHERFUCKIN' SHIT MAN
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: thug vs. scientist SLUGFEST in here
BaconAngel: scientists in the 50's must have been fucking brick shithouses of men
BaconAngel: flying around
BaconAngel: beating up gangsters
BaconAngel: I don't see like
BaconAngel: Steven Hawking doing that shit
BaconAngel: what's his deal?
Pseudonym: he's like
Pseudonym: a pacificificst
BaconAngel: PUSSY
BaconAngel: no wonder America ain't as great as it used ta be
BaconAngel: in the 50's, it was like
BaconAngel: "hey, evil aliens on the moon, scientists! what are you gonna do about it?"
BaconAngel: and they were all
BaconAngel: "WE ARE GONNA ROCKET OURSELVES UP THERE IN 3 DAYS AND GIVE 'EM A GOING OVER IN A BACK-MOON-ALLEY."
BaconAngel: try to get that done today
BaconAngel: they'd be all waa-wahh space shuttle waah-waaah international collaboration diplomacy FUCKING BULL

BaconAngel: CHAPTER TWO: MOLTEN TERROR
BaconAngel: god, why is this totally graceless, style-less, slugfest fighting so awesome
BaconAngel: IT'S JUST THUNK WHUG UGH BAM SLAM HUPMH CHUNK ERGH WHUD
BaconAngel: yet
BaconAngel: SO RAD
BaconAngel: but I still don't know what the MOLTEN TERROR is yet!
BaconAngel: you'd think the advanced alien race would know not to punch a guy in the head with their bare fist when he's wearing a metal helmet
BaconAngel: BUT NOPE

BaconAngel: THE ALIENS ARE METLING THE ROCK!
BaconAngel: HENCE
BaconAngel: MOLTEN TERROR!
BaconAngel: fuckin' A, Radar Men From the Moon
BaconAngel: I applaud this course of events

[21:16] BaconAngel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcOBPtWZ7sY
[21:16] BaconAngel: this is like the sequel trailer I guess
[21:17] BaconAngel: the rocket into farmhouse window to roll to SLUG TO FACE move is actually pretty impressive
[21:22] BaconAngel: "HOW? WE'VE ALREADY TRIED A DOZEN WAYS TO KILL HIM!"
[21:23] BaconAngel: "THERE'S ONE WAY WE HAVEN'T TRIED!'
[21:23] BaconAngel: "OH!"
[21:23] BaconAngel: I also like the suicide SHOOT RANDOM THING AND BLOW UP EVERYTHING move at the end
[21:23] BaconAngel: it's like
[21:23] BaconAngel: KING OF THE ROCKET MEN DOESN'T EVEN GIVE A SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS
[21:24] BaconAngel: I am sure that's not how it's cut together in the actual movie but it should be
[21:25] BaconAngel: just fucking rolls in and kamakazies some thugs just because he's an emotionless emissary of death
[21:34] BaconAngel: KING OF THE ROCKET MEN: AN EXISTENTIAL HERO

BaconAngel: I love taking these conversations out of context
BaconAngel: "We need more money! What can we do?"
BaconAngel: "..."
BaconAngel: "I'LL RADIO THE MOON."

BaconAngel: WHAT?
BaconAngel: WHAT, ALIENS?!
BaconAngel: your plan is to set off an ATOM BOMB in the middle of NOWHERE
BaconAngel: in order to cause FLOODS???
BaconAngel: are you SHITTING ME, ALIENS?!
BaconAngel: why don't you just, I DON'T KNOW, USE THE BOMB ON SOMETHING DIRECTLY
BaconAngel: these aliens man
BaconAngel: they need to like
BaconAngel: hire a consultant or something

[On Equality in the Film Industry]
BaconAngel: I hate in these old movies where it's just always like
BaconAngel: 4 identical white guys in dark suits and you can't tell who the hell is who
BaconAngel: I am an advocate for more starring roles for women and non-white persons for no other reason than narrative comprehensibility
BaconAngel: at least put them in sports jerseys or something so I can identify them by number

[On Cursive Handwriting]
 BaconAngel: I wonder if anyone is up in arms about cursive writing
BaconAngel: "That does not sit well with cursive traditionalists. “Hand­writing is an emotionally charged issue,” Gladstone adds. “I get letters from people calling me anti-American because I don’t like what they think of as ‘proper’ cursive.”
BaconAngel: "That idea has no appeal for O’Donnell Elementary’s Dr. Martin. Back when he was a middle-school principal, he realized many students couldn’t read cursive, let alone write it. “I said, ‘If I ever get to be an elementary school principal, I’m doing something about this,’ ” he says. That’s why he recently introduced Handwriting Without Tears and the “magic bunny” to his school, which he found to be an effective and fun method.""
BaconAngel: THE INTERNET SAYS PEOPLE ARE UP IN ARMS ABOUT CURSIVE HANDWRITING
BaconAngel: handwriting with tears?
BaconAngel: like using tears for ink?
Pseudonym: yes
BaconAngel: that's pretty hardcore
BaconAngel: "Cursive’s proponents point to less-practical benefits as well. The romantic allure, for one."
Pseudonym: tch
Pseudonym: is this for real?
Pseudonym: how stupid
BaconAngel: this is what I am getting off a google search of "Cursive Writing Advocacy"
BaconAngel: I for one am uncertain on how to apply a choice in font to the dating scene
Pseudonym: Comic Sans MS
Pseudonym: is just dandy
BaconAngel: Baby you so fine
BaconAngel: I don't get it
BaconAngel: do I just
BaconAngel: like
BaconAngel: print out some cards and hand them out?
BaconAngel: perhaps wear a Comic Sans MS fonted t-shirt to woo the ladies?

[On Nostalgia]
 BaconAngel: I remember in my childhood that my childhood was better than your childhood, YOUTHS.
Pseudonym: NO
Pseudonym: NOT POSSIBLE
Pseudonym: CHILDHOOD FIGHT
Pseudonym: GO
BaconAngel: when I was a kid, we had bad cartoons in the 80'S
BaconAngel: kids today, they've got bad cartoons in the 00'S
BaconAngel: WHAT A BUNCH OF DUMB FUCKERS

[On Haute Cuisine]
 BaconAngel: food sounds so much more high class when described in french in excruciating detail
BaconAngel: for example
BaconAngel: boeuf grillé sur le pain, avec de la laitue et la moutarde
 BaconAngel: may be used to describe a hamburger
BaconAngel: la pâtisserie a rempli de la crème blanche
 BaconAngel: =
BaconAngel: twinkie
BaconAngel: this is almost worth learning french for
BaconAngel: toute la saucisse de boeuf couverte en farine d'avoine cuite à la friteuse, servie sur le bâton
 BaconAngel: is
BaconAngel: CORNDOG
BaconAngel: les tortillas ont rempli de poulet, de laitue, d'haricots noirs, de riz, et de tomate
 BaconAngel: = taco
BaconAngel: haricots noirs
 BaconAngel: how did France come up with such a snooty word for "beans"
BaconAngel: what else is a low brow foodstuff
BaconAngel: Sandwich à jambon et à oeufs brouillés avec du fromage suisse et américain sur le levain grillé. Servi avec le choix des pommes de terre rissolées ou des granulations.
 BaconAngel: just read that aloud
BaconAngel: with the accent
BaconAngel: and savor the pretention
BaconAngel: then realize
BaconAngel: what you just read was the menu description for Denny's "Moons Over My Hammy"
BaconAngel: Ham and scrambled egg sandwich with Swiss and American cheese on grilled sourdough. Served with choice of hash browns or grits.
BaconAngel: DES GRITS.

[On Grades]
 BaconAngel: you get an "A" in TRYING
BaconAngel: but an "F" in SUCCEEDING

[On Psychology]
 BaconAngel: what would people with Tourette's yell if you never taught them a language?
BaconAngel: just shriek incoherently?
BaconAngel: how would you even tell they had Tourette's, you'd just think they were an uncouth savage
BaconAngel: not an uncouth savage with Tourette's
BaconAngel: you're a psychotron
BaconAngel: give me semi-legitimate answers

[On Those Guys]
 BaconAngel: what would you call an irrational fear of being percieved as being one of "those guys".
BaconAngel: like if you got a cd changer or something put in your car
BaconAngel: and they put like a sticker on your back window with the name of the stereo company
BaconAngel: and it vaguely looked like those stickers
BaconAngel: that people that rice out their cars put on their back windows
BaconAngel: to make their car riced out
BaconAngel: and you start thinking
BaconAngel: AND YOU KNOW IT'S RIDICULOUS
BaconAngel: what if someone thinks I've been trying to rice out my car
BaconAngel: they'll think I'm one of those guys
BaconAngel: or if it's like before halloween
BaconAngel: and you need a costume
BaconAngel: so you decide to go as like
BaconAngel: a karate guy
BaconAngel: so you go try on a karate uniform at a karate store
BaconAngel: but when you're trying it on
BaconAngel: you spill a coffee on your normal clothes
BaconAngel: so you have to walk home
BaconAngel: wearing a karate uniform
BaconAngel: for no apparent reason
BaconAngel: since Halloween is still 2 weeks away
BaconAngel: you think
BaconAngel: maybe
BaconAngel: people will look at you and think
BaconAngel: "he must be one of those guys."
Pseudonym: or if you go to a "PIMPS N HOES PARTY"
Pseudonym: and you get lost in the woods
Pseudonym: and you walk home the next day looking like a vagrant
BaconAngel: then you would just be a bum
BaconAngel: I don't think that constitutes "THOSE GUYS" quality
BaconAngel: it needs to be something minisculey off the mainstream but the persons involved try to walk around like it is totally normal
BaconAngel: like grown men wearing karate uniforms isn't normal, so if you see that happening you're like, "hah, he must be one of THOSE GUYS."
BaconAngel: or a guy wearing a superman t-shirt
BaconAngel: or to a lesser extent
BaconAngel: a dude that rides a segway
BaconAngel: or
BaconAngel: a guy with apparel that denotes that he likes riding his bike just a little too much
BaconAngel: you know
BaconAngel: those guys

[On Mental Health]
 Pseudonym: HERE's a fun test!
Pseudonym: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
BaconAngel: O
BaconAngel: BOY
BaconAngel: time to find out I'm FUCKED UP
BaconAngel: AGAIN!
BaconAngel: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BaconAngel: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Pseudonym: it would be great if after you click "submit" it takes you to a page in size 40 red font saying "You're Fucked Up!"
BaconAngel: It probably will just you watch
BaconAngel: follow up summary:
BaconAngel: "Like, WHOA."
Pseudonym: basically everybody that takes this gets like 3 disorders
Pseudonym: i don't think it's accurate
BaconAngel: bitchin'
BaconAngel: I'm hoping to beat par here
BaconAngel: I want to get all the disorders
BaconAngel: GOTTA GET EM ALL
BaconAngel: I like this one: "Do you engage in any obsessive or compulsive behavior?"
BaconAngel: that's kinda like
BaconAngel: "Do you have a mental illness, and if so, what?"
BaconAngel: LOOK YOU HAVE THAT THING THAT YOU SAID YOU HAD
BaconAngel: HOW ABOUT THAT
BaconAngel: sweet, I only got one "low"
BaconAngel: 4 moderates, 4 highs, and 1 very high
Pseudonym: haha
Pseudonym: WHOA
BaconAngel: I'm like a Super Saiyan of being mentally fucked up, sweet
Pseudonym: my other friend who took this
Pseudonym: got "extremely high" on everything except one "moderate"
BaconAngel: oh nice
Pseudonym: yeah, but he was ACTUALLY fucked up
BaconAngel: I BET THIS TEST MADE HIM FEEL A LOT BETTER

Pseudonym: http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/ this one is actually, like... cool
Pseudonym: it told me i was "DISAGREEABLE" on the disagreeable/agreeable scale
Pseudonym: WELL, FUCK THEM
Pseudonym: I DISAGREE
BaconAngel: I like this test less because it's not like
BaconAngel: "YOU'RE FUCKED WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"
Pseudonym: the irony is, this test measures a lot of the same shit that the other test does
Pseudonym: but it presents it differently.
BaconAngel: it's more NAMBY-PAMBY HORSESHIT if ya ask me!
BaconAngel: GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT, DOC
BaconAngel: IS MY BRAIN SCREWED UP LIKE A TOILET AUGER OR WHAT

[On Doom 2]
 BaconAngel: you know what's so great about Doom 2?
BaconAngel: There's pretty much no justification for the logic of how the levels are designed or how the game works other than making it clear that the game designer intends to put you through the wringer
BaconAngel: other games
BaconAngel: you've got
BaconAngel: "plot"
BaconAngel: and "characters"
BaconAngel: and "things that work logically"
BaconAngel: like elevators with buttons or doors with knobs
BaconAngel: NOT HERE
BaconAngel: there's one elevator that is literally
BaconAngel: A BLOOD WATERFALL
BaconAngel: BUT THE THING IS
BaconAngel: there's nothing even remotely indicating that it's an elevator
BaconAngel: YOU JUST KNOW TO HIT SPACE BY IT BECAUSE IT HAS TO BE AN ELEVATOR DAMMIT
BaconAngel: BECAUSE IF IT'S NOT YOU CAN'T GET BACK TO BEAT THE LEVEL, EVER
BaconAngel: and like
BaconAngel: this game has pretty much nothing in the way of extraneous props that would make it seem like it takes place in a world where ANYTHING HAS EVER HAPPENED OTHER THAN SHOOTING THINGS
BaconAngel: there aren't "couches"
BaconAngel: or "posters"
BaconAngel: or "cars"
BaconAngel: or "THINGS"
BaconAngel: there's just WALLS and DOORS and behind the DOORS there are MONSTERS
BaconAngel: sometimes things teleport
BaconAngel: and sometimes there are teleportation DEVICES
BaconAngel: but other times things teleoprt just to be MEAN

Pseudonym: i played a bit on "IMPOSSIBLE" mode
BaconAngel: Nightmare?
Pseudonym: yeah
BaconAngel: I TOLD YOU NOT TO
Pseudonym: DAMN IT
Pseudonym: I HAD TO KNOW
Pseudonym: I HAD TO KNOW
BaconAngel: I DELIBERATELY SAID
BaconAngel: 'DON'T DO IT"
BaconAngel: and the GAME says
BaconAngel: "THIS MODE IS LESS FAIR THAN CHILD SLAVERY."

[On Sexism]
 Pseudonym: YOU MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
BaconAngel: YEP
BaconAngel: I'm JERRYL AND THIS IS ANOTHER MAN
BaconAngel: WHO IS ALSO JERRYL
BaconAngel: DOESN'T HE, HE LOOKS JUST LIKE
BaconAngel: PRESIDENT JERRYL, DOESN'T HE?
BaconAngel: HEY JERRYL! COME TAKE A LOOK AT JERRYL OVER HERE!
BaconAngel: DOESN'T HE LOOK JUST LIKE JERRYL?

[On Jem]
 BaconAngel: I don't think I ever saw the Garfield game
Pseudonym: OH MAN
Pseudonym: you are missing out on a REAL GEM
Pseudonym: a REAL JEWEL
BaconAngel: a JEM
BaconAngel: and the ROCKERS?
BaconAngel: or whateve the fuck that show was called
BaconAngel: the
BaconAngel: you know
Pseudonym: BENNY and the CHIMPS
BaconAngel: it was the cartoon for 80's girls
BaconAngel: wow I just watched the intro to this
BaconAngel: and man is it horrible
BaconAngel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20BZID081Vk
BaconAngel: so horrible that now I am shoving it over onto your side of the internet
Pseudonym: it's apparently so bad that my browser is having trouble opening
BaconAngel: smearing it's horribleness all over the inner lining on the internet tubes
BaconAngel: consider some of the lyrics:
BaconAngel: GLAMOUR and GLITTER
BaconAngel: FASHION and FAME
BaconAngel: JEM IS OUTRAGEOUS
BaconAngel: TRULY, TRULY, TRULY OUTRAGOUS
Pseudonym: wow
Pseudonym: these lyrics are amazing.
BaconAngel: I have the feeling a lot of women currently employed in the adult film industry were big fans of Jem back in the day
Pseudonym: that's a rather "telling statement."
BaconAngel: unless the actual show is different from the intro
BaconAngel: it's like
BaconAngel: "A Young Girl's Primer for Becoming a Shallow Slut."
BaconAngel: I'm tempted to watch some of this
BaconAngel: just to see if it is as bad as I think it probably is
BaconAngel: if I become a shallow slut shortly you will know why
BaconAngel: it's a science experiment here
BaconAngel: this episode has an alternate opening, including the lyrics, "ONCE YOU'RE A JEM GIRL YOU'RE NEVER THE SAME."
BaconAngel: that seems RATHER OMINOUS

BaconAngel: this is so....
BaconAngel: there's a scene with all these JEM FANS fawning over JEM
BaconAngel: and then
BaconAngel: INTERNAL MONOLOGUE: "I REMEMBER HOW IT ALL BEGAN, WITH THE UNEXPECTED DEATH OF MY FATHER."
BaconAngel: what!?
BaconAngel: you're a glamour queen because your father died??

BaconAngel: GOD THIS IS SUCH A PORN MOVIE WITHOUT THE PORN
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: the "BAD" BAND has motorcycles that are in the shapes of guitars
BaconAngel: and they are TOUGH because they call people TWERP
BaconAngel: oh man this is so awful
BaconAngel: the EVIL RECORD EXEC
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: he is so
BaconAngel: "I AM SO FUCKING EVIL!"
BaconAngel: "Now, I've ARRANGED a BATTLE OF THE BANDS in the PARK, TOMORROW!"
BaconAngel: "MWHAHAHA!"
Pseudonym: this is the WORKING CLASS' KIND OF SHOW
Pseudonym: "HEY, I CAN RELATE TO BEING... NOT A MUSIC PRODUCER"
BaconAngel: he is so pissed off when he announces it
BaconAngel: like the voice actor recorded his line while strangling a wild dog
BaconAngel: "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' TRASH YOU LITTLE WIMP"
Pseudonym: that is some HARSH language
Pseudonym: i don't know if i could watch that
Pseudonym: you're very brave.

BaconAngel: WHEN A GHOST TELLS YOU TO DRIVE INTO A WALL
BaconAngel: DO IT
BaconAngel: SO SAYETH "JEM"

BaconAngel: "YOU CAN'T PLAY HERE THIS IS BY INVITATION ONLY!", record exec exclaims via Skeletor voice.

BaconAngel: "ALLOW ME TO SWEETEN THE DEAL. I AM HOWARD SANDS, FILM PRODUCER. I WILL GIVE A MOVIE CONTRACT TO WHOEVER WINS THIS CONTEST. THE WINNER WILL ALSO GET THIS MAGNIFICENT MANSION"
BaconAngel: (lacky holds up tablecloth with MANSION on it)

BaconAngel: apparently another one of their morals is
BaconAngel: RELY ON "HUNKY DUDES" IN EASILY ESCAPEBLE DANGER SITUATIONS INSTEAD OF TRYING TO DO SOMETHING YOURSELF
BaconAngel: SUCH AS
BaconAngel: "putting your car in reverse"
BaconAngel: I get the feeling whoever wrote this show was not the hugest fan of the Women's Sufferage Movement
BaconAngel: it really is quite repulsive
BaconAngel: I am tempted to email my sister and ask her what the fuck was wrong with her for watching this shit

BaconAngel: man I am looking for imdb reviews that label it is BLATANTLY OFFENSIVE SEXIST TRASH but I haven't found any so far
BaconAngel: "An animated show with positive moral messages--(gasp! shock! horror!), 9 June 2004
Author: john-p-hanssen-i3v6 from Ventura

I saw Jem for the first time on video last night and could not believe all the positive messages it contained. Kids need more of this now more than ever.
BaconAngel: what the FUCK
Pseudonym: wow
BaconAngel: there is like one bad review here
BaconAngel: any it's just some guy that's angry at the 80's in general it seems
Pseudonym: i doubt most people would gravitate to a page about the show if they didn't like it
BaconAngel: (70's Sleestak noise to represent how I that this show) It sucks., 2 November 2003
Author: ultramatt2000-1 from Orlando, Florida

I ranted at 80's shows like SLIVERHAWKS, THUNDERCATS, BEETLEJUICE, YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION, (seen in the old comment domain Matthew), and ranted at RAINBOW BRITE.

Now I explode my fury on Jem. Two words, it sucks like hell. Rio is like a teenage Stu Pickles. The show is utterly BORING. Thank God it's off the air. Need I say more. Coming Soon on "Matthew Rants", MY LITTLE PONY.
BaconAngel: THANK YOU ULTRAMATT
BaconAngel: THAT IS VERY INSIGHTFUL
Pseudonym: wow.
Pseudonym: that's
Pseudonym: more ego than content.
Pseudonym: HEY WATCH
Pseudonym: HEY WATCH
Pseudonym: I'M GONNA
Pseudonym: I'M GONNA RANT
Pseudonym: READY?
Pseudonym: WATCH
Pseudonym: HERE IT COMES
Pseudonym: "it sucks"
Pseudonym: NEXT UP I'M GONNA SAY IT AGAIN
Pseudonym: BUT ON ANOTHER WEBPAGE
Pseudonym: COME AND SEE
Pseudonym: COME AND SEE
BaconAngel: this show is so bad that I kind of want to enroll in some random as film/class somewhere just so I can have an excuse to write and INCREDIBLY SCATHING ESSAY about this shit

[On Balki]
 Pseudonym: bronson pinchot, popular sitcom character 'balki', has one of the biggest senses of self-entitlement i've ever witnessed
Pseudonym: he's kind of, like... an asshole
Pseudonym: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0TSCEyXnbIM
BaconAngel: I don't think Balki really deserves that much entitelment in general
BaconAngel: "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"
BaconAngel: "I AM THE MOST POWERFUL MAN YOU WILL EVER DEAL WITH, BOY!"
BaconAngel: "I WAS FUCKING BALKI, DAMMIT, AND DON'T YOU FORGET!"
BaconAngel: you know, just being honest here
BaconAngel: I don't think I care enough about Balki to watch this
BaconAngel: I can't think of one issue
BaconAngel: or any situation
BaconAngel: where I would be like
BaconAngel: "I wish I could know BALKI'S opinion on this matter."

[On Menace]
 BaconAngel: HOW MUCH LONGER IS HE GOING TO KEEP POINTING THE DAMN GUN AT HIM
BaconAngel: JUST FUCKING SHOOT HIM IF YOU'RE GONNA
BaconAngel: JESUS
BaconAngel: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU
BaconAngel: (waits 3 minutes)
BaconAngel: ...REALLY!
BaconAngel: I AM TOTALLY SERIOUS NOW
BaconAngel: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU
BaconAngel: RIGHT...
BaconAngel: NOT NOW!
BaconAngel: LET'S TALK SOME MORE
BaconAngel: BUT THEN!
BaconAngel: AFTER THAT IS DONE
BaconAngel: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!

Update: 11-25-2007

[On Pitches]
BaconAngel:GET OUT OF MY OFFICE THIS SCRIPT HAS NO PANACHE
BaconAngel:does this office look like a mystical haven for panache-free scripts? OR DOES IT LOOK LIKE THE ROOM WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YELLED AT BY A FAT MAN?
BaconAngel:WELL!?

[On This Blog]
BaconAngel:wow I've got 23 pages of stuff here
BaconAngel:so in like
BaconAngel:15 years I'll have enough material to make a book nobody will read!
BaconAngel:awesome
BaconAngel:or in 10
BaconAngel:an incredibly confusing screenplay
BaconAngel:an avant-garde screenplay
BaconAngel:"The studio heads said I could never make a feature film consisting of nothing but a series of disjointed, 15 second long conversations between nebulously defined, faceless non-characters."
BaconAngel:"You know what I said to them?"
BaconAngel:"FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD SYSTEM MAN!"
BaconAngel:"KEEP YOUR SO-CALLED 'RULES' FOR YOUR TRILLOBITE HACKS AND YOUR COKE ADDICT FRIENDS."
BaconAngel:"I AM AN ARTIST GODDAMN YOU."
BaconAngel:"GET OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE I
BaconAngel:BLOW
BaconAngel:YOU
BaconAngel:AWAY!"

[On Third-Hand Accounts]
Brian:
(4:09:05 PM) Pseudonym: so how do you know the legendary angel of bacon?
(4:09:16 PM) Brian: I gave birth to him once.
(4:09:23 PM) Pseudonym: oh? how'd that go?
(4:09:36 PM) Brian: I don't have any intentions of doing that again.
(4:09:49 PM) Pseudonym: you can't fit him back up in your uterus?
(4:10:15 PM) Brian: That's why it was tricky the first time...I have no uterus.
(4:11:28 PM) Brian: But, more truthfully, I rescued him from the advances of the coke machine by the end of the table in high school.
BaconAngel:glad to know I have reputable sources to reference when it comes time to commission a biography about myself

[On "Sonic Underground"]
BaconAngel:look I am just saying having a furry in a metal bikini apparently fresh from childbirth in the first 4 seconds of your cartoon
BaconAngel:is just
BaconAngel:not super great
BaconAngel:in fact, it's not at all good in any way

[On Creative Solutions]
BaconAngel:so your solution for the problem of the story not making any sense
BaconAngel:is to make the story not make any sense?
Pseudonym: yes

[On Film Festivals]
BaconAngel:are you an independent, experimental, and artistically-inspired film?
BaconAngel:when it comes to the experimental part
BaconAngel:I am willing to bet everything submitted has been done before and better by someone else
BaconAngel:here's an idea
BaconAngel:an entire film filmed with a nightvision camera
BaconAngel:or a film on Mars
BaconAngel:not about Mars
BaconAngel:ON MARS
BaconAngel:nobody has done a fiction film actually filmed on another planet before
BaconAngel:that would be experimental
BaconAngel:or a holographic film
Pseudonym: i think what they mean by 'experimental' is "i just bought a new camera and want to experiment with its features, such as 'sepia' which looks artistic, or maybe 'stretch' which makes everything look fat! ha ha ha! whee!"
BaconAngel:if my giant crystal projecting the head of Jor-El doesn't win something I'm gonna be pissed
BaconAngel:that's an expensive fucking crystal
BaconAngel:Baby's First Experimental Film
BaconAngel:you should make that
Pseudonym: i bet you if i did, it would win
Pseudonym: oh, a parody
BaconAngel:"OH"
Pseudonym: that would maybe get in and be FROWNED UPON
Pseudonym: "you win the Collective Frown Award, worth $20,000, because we all disliked your offensive film.""

[On Obsolescence]
 BaconAngel:Typing on my really old 450MHz computer at my mom's house. Man, I remember when this shit was bleeding-the-fuck-edge. What happened, compy?
BaconAngel:I actually sort of feel bad for even trying to use it now, just trying to check email gives me the same kind of feeling when you're trying to walk somewhere with a really old person with a bad hip or something and it's taking forever?
BaconAngel:Like, you know they're slow and old and it's not their fault and you'll slow down to meet their pace and it's really all right and everything don't worry about it but in the back of your head you are still like "I wish you could go faster, dammit!", and it makes you feel like a jerk for even thinking that because it would be a rude thing to actually say.

[On Challenges]
 MT: So, at my cousin's baby shower... I told these kids I'd let them in on the secret of the Great Tiger if they could go across the monkey bars. Anyway, you know what they say; it's not a party till a kid falls off the monkey bars and breaks his hand.
MT: I feel some what responsible.
BaconAngel:Did you tell them, "WEAKLING! YOU HAVE FAILED THE TEST!!" ?

[On Video Games As Art]
 BaconAngel:You know, lately I've been thinking that I wish there were more good video games out there that weren't based so much around violence and angry dudes and RAH RAH KILL THE DUDES horseshit
BaconAngel: stuff that relied more on being clever or funny or tried to have something meaningful to say, and wasn't so immature in its treatment of its subject.
BaconAngel:Then I play God of War 2 and all that goes out the window.
BaconAngel:DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! ZEUS I AM GONNA RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND USE IT FOR A BOWLING BALL USING MY ANGRY BALD BLADE-WIELDING MAN MUSCLES.
ND: Barbie Horse Adventures?
BaconAngel: I must express skepticism at the idea that Barbie Horse Adventures is the monolith that will make games to evolve from soulless boom-boom light shows to a legitimately respectable art form.

[On Dancing]
 V: Guys guys....my room mate has been telling everybody what an awesome dancer I am and I can't dance at all and next social with music I am going to be in an awkward spot when everyone expects me to bust out some awesome moves to the rap music.
V: oh shit
BaconAngel:If movies have taught me anything, you must not, under any circumstances, defuse the situation by telling the truth.
BaconAngel:Rather, you should complain loudly about the situation with your mildly unattractive buddy in the doorway of a used record shop, where a man sitting in a nearby rocking chair, who you initially assumed from his disheveled appearance and alcohol-tinged breath to be a full-time wino, will reveal himself to be a long lost great dancing master which had vanished into obscurity after a near-fatal dancing accident.
BaconAngel:He will teach you via an interwoven series of montages involving dancing and you bitching about dancing.
BaconAngel:At the end, you will appear to the audience, who knows fuck-all about dancing anyway, to be fairly confident on the subject.
BaconAngel:Come the night of the BIG DANCE or WHATEVER, some kind of JERK that is somehow romantically involved with THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE will CHALLENGE YOU TO A DANCE OFF.
BaconAngel:But because of your DANCE TRAINING, YOU ARE UP TO THE CHALLENGE.
BaconAngel:Except not, and you suck and you fail.
BaconAngel:But whatever!, because no matter how hopelessly terrible you actually are at dancing, aforementioned JERK will employ DIRTY TRICKS that LOVE OF YOUR LIFE will find out about and suddenly, despite it being obvious to everyone in the world, ever, that the JERK is a JERK, she shall decide this incredibly insignificant example of jerkiness is like, THE MOST HORRID BETRAYAL EVER for whatever the fuck reason and I guess you and her start making out or whatever?
BaconAngel: And that dancing guy, he probably says some shit that makes everyone in the audience roll their fucking eyes, you were supposed to be the cool character in this film what is this cheesy end of the movie crap just shut up dancing master GOD THIS MOVIE SUCKS.

[On Qualities]
BaconAngel:Just because it's idiotic does not mean it's not AMAZING!
BaconAngel:(Just like me!)

[On Note-Taking]
 BaconAngel:Man, I'm cleaning off my desk here and I keep running into stuff I wrote or drew that just confuses me now.
BaconAngel:Like there's this piece of paper here that has some random notes and doodles on it, then there's 3 sentences, with no context or explanation:
BaconAngel:"They don't teach cooking at Zombie School."
"North Korea is like a fender at a junkyard."
"Infinite Supply of Balls"
BaconAngel:What the hell does any of that mean?

[On Slutty Female Game Characters]
 BaconAngel:Personally, I'm a little annoyed at this because I actually like the SC games, but I'd rather not have something that screams "ridiculous soft-core fantasy porn" sitting on my shelf.
BaconAngel:It makes one wonder if women would go for a game where the male characters wore tight-fitting outfits and package-embracing speedos while the female characters got full plate armor.
MrE: I'd play a game like that, if it starred Clive Owen.
BaconAngel:Are you a woman or will you be a woman in the near future?
BaconAngel:I am trying to figure out how to employ the video game industry's well-oiled machine of crass and borderline insulting exploitation in a way that extracts currency from the fairer sex.
MrE: Why I gotta be a wo-man to enjoy me some Clive Owen?!
BaconAngel:Unfortunately, the guys in marketing say I need to find out what the demographic appeal and selling potential is before green-lighting "Clive Owen's Exposed Man-Ass Fighting Legend." A surefire one-time sale to a Mr. Mars E. Balderdash apparently just isn't good enough for them.

[On Parasites]
 ND: oh my god bug bite on the bottom of foot how the hell does this happen
ND: how can they bite through the callous!?
BaconAngel:At the risk of sounding weird, have you considered the possibility that you just might be particularly delicious?
BaconAngel:If this happens to be the case you should take precautions not to take planes rides with rugby teams over the Andes mountains.

[On Phobias]
BaconAngel:Hey call me a pansy if you want, but if I see even one Casper van Dien crawling around my house, I'm stuck up on the kitchen table with a broom like a 50's cartoon housewife.

[On Bicyclers]
 BaconAngel:FUCK THESE BIKE-RIDING DOUCHEBAGS, and their fucking douchebag helmets and their douchebag sunglasses and their douchebag biker shorts and their fucking douchebag "HEY LOOKIT ME I'M A NASCAR" biker shirts.
BaconAngel: GET THE FUCK OFF THE ROAD.
BaconAngel:THERE'S A FUCKING SHOULDER, USE THE SHOULDER.
BaconAngel:Hey, YOU!
BaconAngel:SINGLE FILE, DIPSHITS.
BaconAngel: Do you WANT me to run your ass over?
BaconAngel: What the fuck are you doing going 5mph in a 55mph zone anyway?
BaconAngel:Don't give me that shit about being environmental or whatever, you sure as hell aren't going anywhere important dressed like that, and you had to load up your bike into your goddamned Nissan Armada to get the fuck out here in the first fucking place, so FUCK YOU.
BaconAngel:I hope those package-straddling shorts of yours make you sterile somehow.

[On Shirts With Wolves On Them]
 MT: Why is it that the only ppl that wear those shirts are fat nerds?
BaconAngel:Because they know thier only chance to survive a pack of ravenous wolves is to try to camoflauge his meat-swelled midsection as one of their own?
EC: What, and they frequently encounter wolves? Like, the pack can smell them from miles away and always tries to break into their apartment?
BaconAngel:Well, there's a reason these sorts never seem to want to go outside.

[On Imminent Nuclear Annihilation]
 BaconAngel:Well, I can't speak for you, but I know I wouldn't want my last act on earth to be posting on Facebook.
BaconAngel:I'm just imagining St. Peter at the pearly gates looking up how you died and just going, "Wow, that's so lame."

[On Dreaming]
 BaconAngel:All my dreams seem to be eventless wandering in compressed space and time and the only things they leave me upon waking are
questions like, "How the heck would a Video Skeeball machine even work?"

[On Harry Potter]
 GN: just got back from a Harry Potter party at Borders.
GN: There was a formal debate held to discuss the alignment of Snape.
GN: Pretty awesome, some guy in his 20s named Jim went head to head with a 12 year old dressed as Draco Malfoy and schooled the fuck out him.
GN: Im fairly certain the kid was crying by the end of it.
BaconAngel:Even better is that time I saw some kids arguing on a playground about the right way to do some kind of Power Rangers move, both of them were like, "no THIS is how you do it!" and then would do this stupid little spinning kick.
BaconAngel:So I just laugh for a bit, then roundhouse them both in the face.
BaconAngel:"No, THAT is how you do it," I tell them as they are going around looking for their knocked out teeth.
BaconAngel:God I love being an adult.

[On Religion/Haircuts]
 BaconAngel:I'd like to think my current long hair creates a vague impression of dashing rebelliousness, but I suspect the truth is closer to it creating a distinct impression that I am a chimera of a poorly groomed man (or very ugly, bearded woman), Jesus, and a cocker spaniel.
I: Your hair looks nice and jesus-y.
I: I'm Partial to jesus hair, If in an interview they look oddly at your hair, just declare yourself the lord, or a closely related cousin of the lord.
BaconAngel:Well, I'm glad you think it looks nice, but on the other hand I'd guess that by and large not that many women are physically attracted to the Jesus look.
BaconAngel:It certainly didn't work for Him.
BaconAngel:"Hey baby, how about I give you a little personal sermon on 'the mount', know what I'm saying?"

[On Justice]
 I: my friends here....give me things I can use in post apocalyptic situations. They are kinda like having older bothers, they aren't overly protective but if anyone raped or killed me they'd probably go to jail for finding them, cutting them down and setting them on fire.
BaconAngel:Yet when I put out a personals ad detailing my boundless capacity for bloody, coldhearted revenge on demand, I get no responses!

[On Sewing]
 Grif: Real men use staples.
BaconAngel:Well, I suppose wearing cargo pants instead of a homemade bearskin loincloth already puts me in the "fake man" category by default.
C: I think you should just forget the knots all together and let everyone have a good laugh when your loincloth falls apart in the middle of a very crowded room full of people.
C: Its what all the cool kids are doing.
BaconAngel:I believe you meant to say: "...let everyone have a collective gasp of mixed wonder and envy"
Grif: I don't think most people will be envious of a person with a small penis.
BaconAngel:I was refering more to my Fabergé egg testicles.
Grif: You paint your testacles?
BaconAngel:All I am saying is that they are widely regarded as masterpieces of Family Jewelry.

[On Naps]
 MT: Wow, I fell asleep on the toilet last night...
MT: On the toilet!
BaconAngel:Was it an accident or a precautionary measure?

[On Fashion]
 BaconAngel:I'm annoyed when I see girls wearing those sweatpants with some huge word written across the ass
BaconAngel:If you need to resort to tricks to make someone look at your ass, just accept nobody wants to look at it, ok?
BaconAngel:Do you see me walking around with the word "HARD" written down my pants zipper?
BaconAngel:Honestly now.

[On Seduction]
 V: So this girl from my biology class asked me to study with her for the final.
V: I was up for it but apparently she did not share my euphamistic interpretation.
Grif: Wait, so she didn't like it when you started fondling her boobs?
V: Essentially.
V: Apparently by "keep your hands off my breasts" she was not giving me permission to keep touching the rest of her body, or forbidding me to move lower.
V: Who'd have guessed?
BaconAngel:You could have at least waited until you were out of the classroom.
Grif: But where's the fun in that?
BaconAngel:I'm just saying some gals don't find the ambiance of overhead florescent lighting and dry-erase marker fumes to be what puts them in the mood.
V: To be fair, the lights were out.
BaconAngel:Well, were you wearing night vision goggles, then?
BaconAngel:Sometimes that can be a turn-off.

[On Personal Injury]
 BaconAngel:I once had one of my fingernails ripped almost entirely off by catching a football oddly
MrE: What the hell was the football made out of? Barbed-wire and thorn bush petals?
BaconAngel:For some reason I decided to try catching it by using my left hand to press it against the backside of my right.
BaconAngel:Miscalculation, middle fingernail got caught on the stitches, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip.
MrE: And I'll bet you were trying to impress Betty and/or Veronica at the time!
BaconAngel:Look, just because all my other attempts at impressing women have also ended in pain and humiliation, doesn't mean that's the only way I can experience those things!

[On Photoshop]
 V: So on this one forum this dude posted a pic he'd taken with like a watercolor filter done to it, and I recommend he not photoshop filter his photos; they they look cheesy.
V: And two different people jump on me saying: "Care to throw a little light on this comment?" and "That's right up there with the photoshop sucks comment I heard the other day, no offense. That's like saying fire sucks. Or hammers suck."
BaconAngel:Fires and hammers both suck when you fuck up with them hardcore.
BaconAngel:Ever hit your finger with a hammer?
BaconAngel:Ever burn your fucking house down?
BaconAngel:Yeah, fuck you, you lazy fucking douchebags.
V: I almost want to post that.
BaconAngel:Do it.
BaconAngel:It will be an appropriate academic response if you use proper MLA citation.

[On Scholarships]
 GF: So this girl at my high school recently got awarded a scholarship for eighty-five thousand-fucking dollars.
GF: That's twice her tuition.
GF: The sad part? She's been in art all of her life and she's pretty mediocre for how long she's been in this for.
GF: It really isn't fair.
TB: Is she hot?
BaconAngel:I didn't apply for any scholorships so I don't know, but I am fairly certain that is not how it works.
BaconAngel:Except for perhaps "Huggy Bear's Fund For the Fine and Foxy."
TB: Well you clearly don't know much about life then, Bacon.
BaconAngel:I guess I'll just have to wait until my breasts develop more to start succeeding in life.

Update: 11-11-2007

[On Historical Reenactments]
BaconAngel:The first English child born in the Americas was named Virginia Dare
BaconAngel:what an adventurous name
BaconAngel:I am willing to be she did not live up to the promise of her name
Pseudonym:that's not giving the benefit of the doubt.
BaconAngel:she just disappeared mysteriously
BaconAngel:unless she pops out of a time portal one of these days
BaconAngel:I will have to assume she lived a pointless life and died a pointless death
BaconAngel:way to go, Virginia Dare
 BaconAngel:way to do England proud
 Pseudonym:what a.... uh
Pseudonym:what a story
Pseudonym:"rad"
BaconAngel:this is how you get funding for your martial arts drama
BaconAngel:REAL LOCAL AMERICAN HISTORY
BaconAngel:gouge some local historical society
BaconAngel:for your hit historical fiction film:
BaconAngel:VIRGINIA DARES! The Ballad of Virginia Dare
BaconAngel:since nobody knows what happened to her you can make up anything you want past a certain point
BaconAngel:maybe she learned fighting from the local Indian tribes
BaconAngel:hijacked one of the small Roanoke ships
BaconAngel:ran into a Spanish galleon, got taken captive
BaconAngel:then led a mutiny
BaconAngel:became a pirate
BaconAngel:sailed to china
BaconAngel:learned kung-fu
BaconAngel:got caught up in a plot to assassinate a powerful Chinese lord
BaconAngel:escaped to Europe
BaconAngel:fought with the Austrians against the Ottomans in Bulgaria
BaconAngel:went to England
BaconAngel:did the whole Shakespeare in Love bull
BaconAngel:hung out with Tycho Brahe
BaconAngel:somehow this all leads to martial arts
BaconAngel:the only problem is if you are going to hit up the Dare County North Carolina Historical Society for fund it'll probably mean filming most of it in Dare County, North Carolina
BaconAngel:which may be suspiciously void of the following: galleons, pirates, China, Asian people, assassins, Europe, europeans, Ottoman Turks, English people, playwrights, and/or astronomers

[On Wonder]
BaconAngel:THINGS JUST AREN'T AS WONDERFUL AS THEY OUGHT TO BE
BaconAngel:when's the last time you were just FILLED TO THE BRIM with WONDER
BaconAngel:I bet you this did not occur at LOCAL GAS STATION
BaconAngel:or the Barnes and Noble
BaconAngel:the multiplex around the corner is FRESH OUT of WONDER
BaconAngel:WHERE'D ALL THE WONDER GO
BaconAngel:somebody must be sucking it up and keeping it all to themselves, the fucking bastard

[On Media Violence Research Tests]
Pseudonym:there's also stuff like "WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE GAME?" "LIST ALL THE 'HELPING ACTIONS' THAT OCCUR IN THE GAME. NOW, LIST ALL THE 'HURTING ACTIONS' THAT OCCUR IN THE GAME. HOW MUCH DO YOU DO BOTH?"
BaconAngel:Favorite Game: Chessmater 5000
BaconAngel:Hurting Actions: Elimating Opponent Units
BaconAngel:Helping Actions: NONE.
BaconAngel:SO MUCH FOR CHESS.

BaconAngel:I USUALLY KILL GUYS IN DOOM BY ACCIDENT
BaconAngel:I try to lure all the monsters into a room
BaconAngel:then lock the door
BaconAngel::)
BaconAngel:BUT SOMETIMES THEY KILL ME AND IT'S NOT NICE OF THEM
BaconAngel:that's the moral of the game
BaconAngel:"Be nice even if you die because of it."
BaconAngel:I like to think if I'm nice enough in Doom one of the times I die there will be a screen that congratulates me for my maryrdom and tells me in 50 years post-in-game death I'll be canonized for my good works
BaconAngel:St. Doom Guy

[On Ugly Americanism]
BaconAngel:I don't know what I like less:
BaconAngel:when news programs subtitle people with slight accents speaking english in english
BaconAngel:or when they don't subtitle people with impentrable accents speaking english
Pseudonym:haha... i hate when they subtitled people speaking english, even like.... deaf people or children
Pseudonym:or blind people
Pseudonym:"he's blind, people won't be able to understand him"
BaconAngel:I certainly feel insulted when I can tell what they're saying
BaconAngel:but if I don't realize they're speaking english until 10 seconds after they start speaking and I'm not paying attention because I'm wating for the vaguely british sounding translator to kick in...
BaconAngel:I'm like
BaconAngel:DAMN
BaconAngel:NO
BaconAngel:GO BACK
BaconAngel:and then the segment is over
BaconAngel:WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY SAY?!
BaconAngel:aaaaag

[On Wildlife]
BaconAngel:this deer has been laying its lazy ass right outside my window every day for the past 2 weeks
BaconAngel:what's the deal here
BaconAngel:maybe it's protecting me from devil turkeys
BaconAngel:my other theory, that I'm flattering myself with
BaconAngel:is that maybe it liked my singing?
BaconAngel:I'm guessing probably not, but hey
BaconAngel:it boosts my self esteem
BaconAngel:and that's all that really matters, ever
Pseudonym:a deer likes you!
Pseudonym:you've got Star Power!
BaconAngel:maybe I'm just crazy and this is like a
BaconAngel:spirit journey or some shit
BaconAngel:but I doubt bonafide Spirity Journies have cable internet access

[On Flint, Michigan]
BaconAngel:hey, it's the best time in the last 30 years to film in Flint if you really want to
BaconAngel:which is kinda like saying "if you want to try jumping over this punji spike pit, many of the stakes have been broken by previous jumpers' corpses."

[On Cutscenes]
BaconAngel:ARGH I HATE BAD GAME CUTSCENES
BaconAngel:I tell you this just in case you were thinking of getting me BAD GAME CUTSCENES as a Christmas present or something

BaconAngel:I'm trying to think of more examples of games with the same "shitty in-game cutscene style"
BaconAngel:Dynasty Warriors for sure
BaconAngel:any game where the cutscene starts and it's like
BaconAngel:a crane shot looking down
BaconAngel:and a character runs up using "generic run animation"
BaconAngel:then stops
BaconAngel:the camera immediately cuts to a medium close up of him as he starts talking
BaconAngel:so unnatural and uncinematic
BaconAngel:like, how many ACTUAL FILMS have you seen where that happens?
BaconAngel:where the director says
BaconAngel:"I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO SEE THIS GUY RUNNING UP FOR 10 FEET BEFORE STOPPING IMMEDIATELY TO TALK."
BaconAngel:"LET'S GET THE CAMERA UP ON A LADDER."
BaconAngel:"OTHERWISE THE AUDIENCE WILL NOT REALIZE THEY ARE CONVERSING ON TOP OF A LEVEL PIECE OF GROUND."
BaconAngel:"THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT THE AUDIENCE REALIZES THIS."
BaconAngel:"OTHERWISE THE AUDIENCE MIGHT ASSUME THEY ARE STANDING IN LAVA, OR QUICKSAND."

[On Strategy]
BaconAngel:you can't punch the chess pieces?
Brian: no.
Brian: you cannot punch the chess pieces.
BaconAngel:what if they punch you first
Brian: If you are not a chess piece, you are probably fine?

[On the Sea]
BaconAngel:the ocean doesn't care
BaconAngel:it's already full of shit
BaconAngel:YOU HEAR ME, OCEAN?!
BaconAngel:YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!
BaconAngel:see, it doesn't care

[On Humility]
BaconAngel:well, I'm not sure if I should tell you this, it's a big secret
BaconAngel:but
BaconAngel:well
BaconAngel:I am really
BaconAngel:REALLY
BaconAngel:TOTALLY FUCKING SMART AS HELL, DAWG.
BaconAngel:and I can't say any more.
BaconAngel:you'll just have to trust me here.

Update: 11-07-2007

[On Sport]
AF:you just a playaz hatuhz
BaconAngel:yes.
BaconAngel:when I see a cricket player galavanting down the boulevard as if he is the cock of the walk, I hold on to my hat as I hail a hearty, "FUCK YOU!" in his direction.
AF:when in jive's blooms do you see cricket players
BaconAngel:thanks to my outstanding oratory skills, never.
BaconAngel:the man of sport fears the verbal thrashing of one Kevin O'Neill more than the African lion in the bush.

[On The Internet(?)]
BaconAngel:tubes must be kept in moderation to prevent dystopian futures

[On Grocery Shopping]
BaconAngel:I don't think I have ever once wanted to listen to the radio in my entire life
AF:same
AF:well except when I was at this daycare when I was very young
AF:they had a contest that I called in for
AF:I think i won something
BaconAngel:did you win 2 TICKETS to REO SPEEDWAGON at the CIVIC CENTER?
AF:no, it was a gift certificate to the grocery store or something
BaconAngel:KEEP ON LISTENING TO KWJP "THE FLAME"
BaconAngel:hmm
BaconAngel:even as radio station prizes go that's pretty lame
BaconAngel:no wonder they are out of buisness
AF:maybe it was cool!
AF:I don't remember
AF:Not cool enough to remember
BaconAngel:it would have to be a fucking awesome grocery store
AF:maybe it was a gift certificate to the bank
AF:actually if it were for new sagaya that would be cool
AF:the asian market
AF:they have cool stuff
BaconAngel:I was thinking more like
BaconAngel:instead of a cart
BaconAngel:there's this big old tube hanging from the ceiling
BaconAngel:you throw an object up the tube and it sucks it up pnumatically and dumps it at the register
AF:does it follow you or what
BaconAngel:hell yeah it does
AF:also when you are done you get in the tube
BaconAngel:yeah
BaconAngel:so all you have to do is swipe your credit card or whatever
BaconAngel:and by the time you get out to the car some dude's already there ready to put that shit in
AF:no way man
AF:money?
AF:you carry this brain in a clear box that interfaces with the register
AF:it finances your life better than you ever could
BaconAngel:how do I fit a brain in my wallet

[On Celestial Bodies]
BaconAngel:I only took art classes, and that means my exposure to psychology is a lot of people who don't really know what they're talking about talking about Freud and saying they see weiners everywhere
AF:have you ever looked at the sun?
AF:it's basically a big boob
AF:bikes? penises
BaconAngel:is this a segue into an anecdote about a failure to woo a girl by refering to her sun-like breasts?
AF:"you are so hot"
AF:"your boobs are round"
AF:"like the sun"
AF:"also hot"
BaconAngel:"I find your mammory glands to be akin to ferociously burning spheres of gas, around which 9 large masses of gas and mineral revolve."
BaconAngel:"ma'am."
BaconAngel:"It would be a pleasure if you let me burn my hands on you sometime."

[On Small Talk]
AF:You remind me very strongly of this dude in high school
AF:that I didn't know too well
AF:he has a beard much like yours
BaconAngel:ok....?
AF:just saying
AF:HE HATED CHIT CHAT TOO AND TOOK EVERYTHING AT FACE FALUE MUCH LIKE YOUR DEMEANOR
BaconAngel:I am absolutely uncertain of what to do with this information
BaconAngel:I'm just bad at small talk at good and being a word-manipulating jerk for my own pleasure
BaconAngel:this is how I cover for the fact that I have very little interesting content to diseminate in my conversations
AF:so what you are saying is you are a masturbatory mastermind
BaconAngel:well, I did put it on my resume

[On Festivities]
BaconAngel:well I don't know what to tell you there
BaconAngel:it's not like you can order a parade by mail or get one off eBay
BaconAngel:I wonder how that would do over
BaconAngel:"One Man Parade: includes drum. Current bid: $15"

[On Self Affirmaton]
BaconAngel:it might be kind of odd
BaconAngel:it's one step down from having a picture of yourself winking with the caption "YOU'RE A COOL DUDE!"

[On Geography]
BaconAngel:maybe she was just raised by paranoid street corner hobos and picked up their method of vapid gibbering as her default method of speech
BaconAngel:SOUTH AFRICA the people don't got MAPS and THAS WHY us in the U S OF A don't, we don't KNOW MAPS and it's all the gover-ments, THEY MAKE THE MAPS but hey don't GIVE the MAPS to the People they keep it ALL TO THEMSELVES so they can spy on us US AMERICANS
BaconAngel:I heard it straight from a piece of SALT WAT'R TAFFY and THAT comes from the OCEAN and the OCEAN is all SMART cuz they got ATLANTIS down there
BaconAngel:but do you find ATLANTIS on any of those government maps? HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL NO!

[On Friendship]
BaconAngel:you can't judge friendship by the ability or lack thereof concerning the cooling and storing food items

Update: 11-06-2007
[On Literary Criticism]
BaconAngel: I like it, because it leaves you yearning for more
BaconAngel: just like a really good piece of sheet cake at a birthday party with a lot of people
BaconAngel: you know, you want another piece, but you don't know if everyone's had a piece?
BaconAngel: so you wait
BaconAngel: and then the cake's gone! there are so many people at this birthday party that the cake's gone!
BaconAngel: and you think,
BaconAngel: on the way back?
BaconAngel: "maybe I'll pick up a cake at the Meijer's on the way, that was a really good cake"
BaconAngel: but NO
BaconAngel: NO YOU CAN'T BUY A CAKE JUST FOR YOURSELF JEEZ
BaconAngel: you'll get the diabetes if you act like that
BaconAngel: grow up man
BaconAngel: so you have to wait, wait until next year's birthday party
BaconAngel: THAT'S the kind of story it is

[On Goals]

(1)
BaconAngel: my goal is to become so white that while nude I can camoflauge myself as a large, unbound stack of printer paper

(2)
Pseudonym: so now they'll be like "WHO'S BACONANGEL? IS HE ON [SOAP OPERA]? LET'S SOLVE THIS MYSTERY"
BaconAngel: well
BaconAngel: that really is the goal here
BaconAngel: blogging my way onto soap operas
BaconAngel: is My Personal American Dream

[On Motivational Phrases]
BaconAngel: you better get on this thing, get on it like it's a wild naked girl roller coaster motorcycle

[On Andy Warhol]
Pseudonym: HEY KEVIN, LET'S BE THE NEXT ANDY WARHOL!
BaconAngel: you know what's great, I went to fucking art school and I didn't ever have to watch any of his films or learn anything about him
BaconAngel: other than he had a factory called "THE FACTORY"
BaconAngel: WOW THAT'S SUCH AN ARTISTIC NAME FOR A FACTORY
Pseudonym: we had to learn about "EMPIRE" which made me lose much respect for him
Pseudonym: I AM GOING TO PUT A CAMERA IN FRONT OF A BUILDING
Pseudonym: NOW I AM AN ARTIST
BaconAngel: well, now that he did it, other artists have to put in more effort
BaconAngel: they now have to put a camera in front of 2 buildings to be considered an artist

[On Writing]
BaconAngel: PS I want to point out that my ability to write great-sounding academic style essays thanks to countless years of that exercise being drilled into my brain by schooling has proved to be UTTERLY FUCKING WORTHLESS
BaconAngel: in reality I would have been better served with classes that focused with on:
BaconAngel: FICTION
BaconAngel: or
BaconAngel: SUCKING UP
BaconAngel: those are actual useful things to know
BaconAngel: alas, as it stands
BaconAngel: my light-hearted fantasy epic novel is going to wind up with a 56 page chapter on auteur theory because I don't actually know how to WRITE but I need to FILL THESE PAGES

BaconAngel: you know what I should do for a book?
BaconAngel: start teaching some stupid academic class for a year, and reprint all the student's essays with "teacher's notes" which turns to be increasingly angry ranting about the state of the idiotic educational system
BaconAngel: here I am assumimg most student essays are fucking terrible, of course
BaconAngel: based on the experience of student critiquing where I had to bite my tongue when people wrote things like, "This quotation mentions light, which means the author here is symbolizing LIGHT"
BaconAngel: "IN OTHER PASSAGES HE MENTIONS DARK."
BaconAngel: "THESE ARE THE THEMES OF THE BOOK."
BaconAngel: I am basing this off an actual essay I had to read that said pretty much this exact thing
BaconAngel: it's like
BaconAngel: "wow that's brilliant"
BaconAngel: "maybe next you can analyize the fact that since there are characters in the story the author has an interest in chraracters"
BaconAngel: and, and...
BaconAngel: the symbols of the ALPHABET are CALLED "CHARACTERS"
BaconAngel: and the author uses the ALPHABET in his book!
BaconAngel: COINCIDENCE!?
BaconAngel: I THINK NOT!

[On National Geographic]
BaconAngel: are those them
BaconAngel: what ya call em
BaconAngel: you know
BaconAngel: those topless broads
BaconAngel: but they're educational topless broads so they can show em on the tv
BaconAngel: that gives me an idea
BaconAngel: NOT QUITE WILD ENOUGH TO NOT BE ON TV: BIG RACKS OF THE CONGO
BaconAngel: get David Attenborough out there with a low-riding Range Rover
BaconAngel: capture that "can't get around the internet filter" audience

[On Body Hair]
BaconAngel: argh I wish I had actual air conditioning, or did not despise shorts so much
Pseudonym: ;[
Pseudonym: WHY, DON'T YOU WANT THE WORLD TO SEE YOUR HAIRY LEGS?
BaconAngel: unwitting observers later desribed the experience as akin to closest thing to the supernatural horrors in ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark they had ever experienced
BaconAngel: besides, I feel like a redneck without cladding myself at a burqua-esque level of modesty
Pseudonym: HEH
Pseudonym: you should be nude when you traverse the streets.
BaconAngel: perhaps you think I shall now react with mock outrage or sarcasm
BaconAngel: instead, I put it up to YOU to justify the value of this suggestion
BaconAngel: WIN ME OVER WITH YOUR LOGIC
BaconAngel: I CHALLENGE YOU
BaconAngel: that's what I thought
BaconAngel: even as a joke you've been paralyized at the thought of such mind-blowing terror
*** "Pseudonym" signed off at Fri Aug 31 16:14:12 2007.

[On Making Friends]

(1)
Pseudonym: i'm in an [antisocial strategist] mood right now
BaconAngel: I suggest you go outside right now and tell a fresh-faced youth to "RAM IT".
BaconAngel: if this does not result in life-long friendship, clarifying your point with the addition of, "WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE" will not fail to make a good impression.
BaconAngel: then you could go to DRINKY DAN'S BAR OF DRINKING DRINKS UNTIL YOU ARE DRUNK and DRINK DRINK with DRUNKS until you are DRUNK
BaconAngel: when you become DRUNK
BaconAngel: the traditional way to indicate this to your party is to say
BaconAngel: "I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DRUNK!"
BaconAngel: this will let your party know that you are not just a little, but in fact, SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DRUNK.

(2)
BaconAngel: FUN TIP FOR WINNING FRIENDS
Pseudonym: YES?
Pseudonym: OH GOD
Pseudonym: I NEED FRIENDS SO BAD
Pseudonym: TELL ME
BaconAngel: impress a new acquaintance by looking up their credit reports and carrying on a detailed conversation about their credit next time you see them!
BaconAngel: this will let then know YOU'RE INTERESTED.
BaconAngel: "Hey Bob, heard you didn't get that utility bill in last month!", you might start.
BaconAngel: "What's the deal with that??"

[On Gibberish]
Pseudonym: gyguguguguguyugyguyy
BaconAngel: These aren't words.
BaconAngel: These are anti-communication symbols.
BaconAngel: I know less about what you were trying to express now than if you hadn't said anything.

[On Reality TV]
BaconAngel: DEFENESTRATION: THE SERIES
BaconAngel: there's two ways we can go with it to make the big bucks
BaconAngel: famous people getting thrown out of windows
BaconAngel: or normal people getting thrown out of famous windows

[On Transit]
BaconAngel: how many doves would I need to support my weight?
BaconAngel: I'm trying to think of more economical alternatives to buying a personal helicopter
BaconAngel: possibly an ostrich that just knows parkour would work
BaconAngel: you cannot deny it would make for a dramatic entrance to a job interview or first date

[On Board Games]
Pseudonym: I'M OFFENDED THAT THE MAN IN POPULAR BOARD GAME "OPERATION" DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS
Pseudonym: THEY SHOULD REALLY, YOU KNOW, REALLY PUT THAT... PUT THAT PENIS ON HIS BODY
BaconAngel: that's explained in the prequel to Operation
Pseudonym: REALLY?
Pseudonym: PRE-OPERATION?
Pseudonym: "WAITING ROOM"?
BaconAngel: Castration Operation did not have the broad appeal of its successor
Pseudonym: w...why?
BaconAngel: It was actually a life-sized marble statue and a sledgehammer
BaconAngel: you could only play it once
BaconAngel: the cost of entry truly made it a Game of Kings

[On Marketing]
Pseudonym: you'd be a THILLIONAIRE.
BaconAngel: I read that as "Thrillionaire"
Pseudonym: that's the name of your JOKE BOOK
BaconAngel: I was excited by this prospect
Pseudonym: "HOW TO BE A THRILLIONAIRE."
BaconAngel: but now, all I feel is disappointment, and shame
Pseudonym: WITH THE THRILL IN BOLD so that people will get the joke easier!
Pseudonym: you don't want to be too tricky at the beginning.
Pseudonym: THEY'LL SAY,
Pseudonym: "WAIT! IS THAT 'MILLIONAIRE'? NO! THAT'S A NEW AND UNUSUAL WORD I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE!"
Pseudonym: "LET ME READ IT AGAIN TO MAKE SURE!"
Pseudonym: "OH, THIS PART IN BOLD LOOKS DIFFERENT THAN THE REST! MAYBE IT'S A SECRET PASSAGEWAY!"
Pseudonym: "YES, THRILLIONAIRE! BRILLIANT!"
BaconAngel: you certainly have a boa constrictor-like grasp on the nuances of human psychology.

[On Language]

(1)
Pseudonym: that's a new term i thought up, and i think it works rather well charlie, rather well.
Pseudonym: dolphins.
BaconAngel: you might get an award for that
BaconAngel: Consumer Report's Best New Words of the Year
BaconAngel: "A bold new word by wordologist Pseudonym ("Boomer") S_______, it combines the whimsical qualities of the ever-popular "Doll", with the oceanically inspired "fin"; but with a dash of playfulness not seen since 1991's hit, "Aight", he omits the second "l" and replaces the "f" with a Grecian-inspired "PH", transcending the realm of normal vocabulary consrtuction in to a realm of pure inventiveness."
BaconAngel: "Dolphin will be available at select word stores Apr. 2008 at an intial price of $56.73"

(2)
BaconAngel: phrases I have used today
BaconAngel: "Urethral opening"
BaconAngel: "Cool as Coolidge"
Pseudonym: hahaha ugh
BaconAngel: you're just jealous because you were probably just thinking of a situation where you could have used "Cool as Coolidge" and did not think to in time

[On Copy Writing]

(1)
BaconAngel: "What comes into your head when you think Pseudonym S_______?", you might demand of the reader, using a classic attention getting hook.
BaconAngel: "But Pseudonym S_______ is set to take the public by storm this uncoming Fall, with his most ambitious project yet, the Volkswagon-inspired Omnibus. "What I wanted to do," he remarked during a 2007 conference in Vienna, "was combine the classic styles of Volkswagon bus with the experience of sport stadium Jumbotron monitors." The result is a 35 ton vehicle that allows the buyer to turn any driveway or traffic jam into a drive-in movie."
BaconAngel: "Working with long-time collaborator and former Fiat designer Jorgherst Reinfeldt, the project begain it's 10 year gestation to becoming a real vehicle.
"When Pseudonym first approached me about Omnibus, I thought, 'he is crazy!'. But then I thought, why not?", said Reinfeldt. Purchasing the disused British facility once used to manufacture the now legendary DMC-12 DeLorean, S_______ and Reinfeldt slowly put together a team that would make help turn the dream...into a reality."
BaconAngel: [picture of S_______ and Reinfeldt giving "Thumbs up" signs by their respective Ferrarris]
BaconAngel: Caption: "S_______ and Reinfeldt with their Ferrarris."
Pseudonym: you're so "MATTER-OF-FACT-JOURNALIST SCUM"

(2)
BaconAngel: I'd rather practice cross-stitching on my scrotum than read what these fuckers write.

[On Alarmist Media]
BaconAngel: after being surrounded by my mother (former nurse) brother (wannabe doctor) sister (vegitarian hippie) and various old relatives with health problems
BaconAngel: I am sick to goddammed death about hearing about how every goddamn thing is going to fucking kill me someday
BaconAngel: and the next time someone brings it up as a subject of coversation I think I'll respond by going and buying some cigarettes, and smoking until they fucking stop
BaconAngel: HEY SARAN WRAP GIVES Y'ALL CANCER
BaconAngel: COCA-COLA WILL DESTROY YOUR BLOOD
BaconAngel: jesus christ
Pseudonym: destroy your blood? really?
Pseudonym: like
Pseudonym: you'll have NO BLOOD anymore?
BaconAngel: you know that experiment where coke will dissolve a nail?
BaconAngel: IMAGINE THAT NAIL IS YOUR BLOOD
BaconAngel: THEY BOTH HAVE IRON!
BaconAngel: SCIENCE!
BaconAngel: this is the same reason I don't watch LOCAL NEWS PROGRAM
BaconAngel: I have no tolerance any more for ALARMIST HORSESHIT
BaconAngel: hey!
BaconAngel: DID YOU KNOW THAT THE INTERNET WILL STEAL YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER TO BUY YOUR CHILDREN CHILD PORNOGRAPHY THAT THEY WILL BE STARRING IN BECAUSE OF ALL THE PERVERTS ON THE INTERNET WHY DID YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN GO ON THE INTERNET YOU DUMB FUCK
Pseudonym: 20/20 does that shit all the time
BaconAngel: yeah I know
Pseudonym: DID YOU KNOW THAT SWINGSETS AT YOUR CHILD'S SCHOOL MAY STRAIN THEIR HIPS AND CAUSE FOR POORLY DEVELOPED ABDOMENS?
Pseudonym: OR!
Pseudonym: THE SWING CAN BREAK OFF AND SEND YOUR CHILD FLYING INTO OBLIVION, OR EVEN OUTER SPACE.
Pseudonym: IN OUTER SPACE, YOUR CHILD MAY ENCOUNTER INTERNET PORNOGRAPHERS.
BaconAngel: and they always have the deadly serious newsanchor tone to it
BaconAngel: I love it especially when it gives undue gravitas to people that are just really dumb to begin with
BaconAngel: "Luckily, Marylin was saved at the last second by Shirley's quick thinking. But what about the hundreds of other parents who didn't see the "Do not feed a small child this radial tire" warning sign?"
BaconAngel: "For that we go to Jessup Kolentez, head of the "American Families Against 12 Point Font or Less Radial Tire Safety Warnings.""
BaconAngel: and you know
BaconAngel: there's the odd time when one of the interviewees will attempt bring some amount of levity to the situation, an action for which they are promptly VILLIANIZED for via making their image freezeframe in black and white, while zooming in slowly while tilting
BaconAngel: it's one thing to have these shows on that are so fucking stupid, but it's even worse hearing about them secondhand from people who assume that broadcast television alarmist news programs are an accurate and even-handed source of information and/or public discourse
BaconAngel: also it's bad when people assume that I know or care about celebrity news and shit
BaconAngel: I have not yet been able to find a polite way to tell my mother that I would rather swallow a sack of marbles that hear about whatever the fuck she heard on "Regis and Kelly"
BaconAngel: NO I DON'T CARE WHOEVER HAD A BABY
BaconAngel: I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT PERSON
BaconAngel: AND YOU DON'T EITHER FOR GODSSAKE

[On Defintions]
Pseudonym: hey, what's a "STRAPPING YOUNG MAN"?
Pseudonym: what's STRAPPING mean?
BaconAngel: street rapping
BaconAngel: he hasn't hit the big leagues yet, but he's keepin' it real

[On The Blues]
BaconAngel: I wish I actually liked blues so I could answer questions with deep-voiced blues lyrics
BaconAngel: but alas, I am ignorant of a wide berth of appropriate blue lyrics
BaconAngel: of course
BaconAngel: I mean, I guess it's only really apporpriate if someone asks you if yout baby done left you
Pseudonym: blooz
BaconAngel: THESE BLUES AREN'T BLUE ENOUGH
BaconAngel: THEY ARE MORE LIKE PURPLES
Pseudonym: THE RGB VALUES ARE INCORRECT
BaconAngel: oh god
BaconAngel: you've just spawned an obnoxious genre of music
BaconAngel: nerd blues
BaconAngel: your group name:
BaconAngel: "0 0 255"
BaconAngel: MY BABY DONE LEFT ME
BaconAngel: SHE TAPPED MY HEART'S DELETE KEY
BaconAngel: SHE HAD ME UNDER HER FOOT
BaconAngel: NOW I GOTTA DO A HARD REBOOT

[On High Culture]
BaconAngel: do you think opera singers find singing "Happy Birthday" beneath them?
BaconAngel: I sure would
BaconAngel: it's a terrible song
BaconAngel: I would be like
BaconAngel: "If your birthday is so great,"
BaconAngel: "why didn't anyone write an opera about it?"

[On Slang]
BaconAngel: Do not use the phrase "child store" as slang for a pregnant woman
BaconAngel: ie:
BaconAngel: "What's up, Child Store?"

[On Wellness]
Pseudonym: KEVIN, ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT?
Pseudonym: IN GENERAL?
BaconAngel: as opposed to
BaconAngel: IN SPECIFIC
Pseudonym: YES
Pseudonym: DON'T TELL ME, SPECIFICALLY, HOW YOU ARE DOING
Pseudonym: GIVE ME A GENERAL, NEBULOUS RESPONSE
BaconAngel: I'm kinda, you know, it's kind like, ok, you know?
BaconAngel: but you know, you know what I mean?
BaconAngel: is that ambiguous enough for you?
BaconAngel: or should I go all out and say
BaconAngel: I am either alright, not alright, good or bad. These are my potential feelings.
Pseudonym: that's too personal
Pseudonym: that's not being a "GUY"
Pseudonym: being a "GUY" means
Pseudonym: you gotta,
Pseudonym: you gotta
Pseudonym: yesh
Pseudonym: yeah
Pseudonym: .
BaconAngel: "OH"
BaconAngel: I did not mean to accidentally graze you with my FEMININE SIDE like that
BaconAngel: I apologize for slathering TIDING and GOOD CHEER and SECRET BRAND ANTI-PERSPERANT all over your internet box
Pseudonym: that's okay.
BaconAngel: NO IT'S NOT
Pseudonym: HEY
BaconAngel: THINGS ARE NOT "OK" IN MAN WORLD
BaconAngel: THINGS ARE BITCHIN' IN MAN WORLD
BaconAngel: THINGS KICK ASS IN MAN WORLD
Pseudonym: DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF, SCHMENDRICK
BaconAngel: THINGS ARE FUCKING AWESOME IN MAN WORLD
BaconAngel: THEY ARE NOT "OKAY"
BaconAngel: YOU FUCKING PUSSY

[On Generational Differences]
BaconAngel: this email I got this morning from my dad that purports to send along some fuckin' miracle diet book or some shit, but never once actually mentions what it is called or what the hell it is about
BaconAngel: I think maybe the older generation, for all their bullshit about how emails are less personal that real letters or whatever the fuck, just never actually wrote anything

[On Dating Guides]
BaconAngel: is this a dating guide for horrible mangled people?
BaconAngel: GOT NO ARMS?
BaconAngel: NOT A PROBLEM!
Pseudonym: it's not even a dating guide
Pseudonym: it's a "fuck on the first night and skip the date" guide
BaconAngel: is their advice to only approach women physically incapable of slapping you?
BaconAngel: "Now, sometimes you get a gal that tries to headbutt you, but with a little fancy footwork you can turn that into a HOT MAKEOUT SESSION."

[On Talent]
BaconAngel: I could write a better book by aiming a woodchipper at my refridgerator and feeding it with Magnetic Poetry words

[On Lullabies]
BaconAngel: HAVE FUN SLEEPING A MOTHERFUCKER'S KINDA SLEEP, MOTHERFUCKER.

[On Webcomics]
BaconAngel: it's pretty bad when it becomes so patently obvious that the comic would in fact be improved if he just ran with your misread and made it a Team Knight Rider erotic fan-fiction comic
Brian: haha, "I'll fix that radiator hole"
BaconAngel: YES I AM SAYING TRUCKFUCKING IS A BETTER SUBJECT FOR A COMIC THAN WHATEVER THIS COMIC IS ABOUT
BaconAngel: and I don't even know what it's about

Update: 9-26-2007
[On the Environment]
 Pseudonym: Reduce
Pseudonym: Reuse
Pseudonym: and most of all
Pseudonym: Recycle
BaconAngel: NO
BaconAngel: I CYCLE ONCE
BaconAngel: AND THAT'S IT

[On Board Games]
 Pseudonym: hold on, i'm playing this asshole in 'go' and he's cheating
Pseudonym: i'm going to turn the tables on him
BaconAngel: that's too fast paced for me, I prefer "STOP"
BaconAngel: it's just a single frisbee on top of a pizza box

[On Movies]
(1)
 BaconAngel: you should make a romantic comedy where both of the protagonists DIE HORRIBLE DEATHS in the first 30 seconds
BaconAngel: and then flashback
BaconAngel: and it's all sweet and shit
BaconAngel: but HA HA YOU KNOW THEY'RE DEAD, AUDIENCE!
BaconAngel: HA HA HA!
BaconAngel: they'll all be like "AWWWWWWWWW" when lame-ass protagonist trains a puppy to take a wedding ring in its mouth across a crowded dance floor to "romantic interest" because he can't get close because of "douchebag that romanitc interest is engaged to for some fucking reason"
BaconAngel: but then they'll be like
BaconAngel: "both of these people get killed in a freak bulldozer accident not too long from now."
BaconAngel: then they'll stop
BaconAngel: and think
BaconAngel: with their brains.
BaconAngel: you know this idea has no chance to not be a hit with the depressive, emo glasses wearing 20-something audience

(2)
 BaconAngel: also you get point for using road signs as weapons
BaconAngel: or if you strangled a guy with a desk lamp
BaconAngel: OR
BaconAngel: electric wheelchair that drops caltrops

BaconAngel: just make up a reason for having all the characters having Resident Evil-esque supplies of bullets
BaconAngel: so they run out of ammo after 2 shots anyway
BaconAngel: and then they fight!
BaconAngel: TO THE DEATH
BaconAngel: WITH BIKELOCKS
BaconAngel: guns are for pussies
BaconAngel: for real men, THE WORLD IS THEIR WEAPON
BaconAngel: if you really wanted to take this movie off the rails
BaconAngel: have someone stab a guy with the boom mike
BaconAngel: if you use any of these ideas I request to be credited as "murder consultant"

(3)
 BaconAngel: hey
BaconAngel: here's
BaconAngel: here's an idea
BaconAngel: AVANT GARDE
BaconAngel: oh man
BaconAngel: a movie
BaconAngel: a movie, right?
BaconAngel: NOTHING BUT CREDITS
BaconAngel: the only edit is a fade midway through from the opening credits to the ending credits
BaconAngel: it'll
BaconAngel: it'll make people THINK
BaconAngel: THINK ABOUT CREDITS
BaconAngel: because that's a, an aspect of the MOVIES people don't THINK about
BaconAngel: there's SO MUCH POTENTIAL being WASTED by the HOLLYWOOD SYSTEM THERE
BaconAngel: WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN YOU LIST A CREDIT FOR A GAFFER IN A MOVIE THAT HAS NO FOOTAGE
BaconAngel: THINK ABOUT THAT STATEMENT

(4)
 BaconAngel: HEY THE STARS DON'T FIGHT IN THIS MOVIE
BaconAngel: WHY CALL IT STAR WARS THEN

(5)
 BaconAngel: I am going to become a director of a crappy sitcom just so I can splice in scenes of a giant, planet-destroying laser cannon being constructed behind the average suburban house of the main characters
BaconAngel: I won't even bring it up or have it have anything to do with the plot
BaconAngel: it will just be there
BaconAngel: until
BaconAngel: the ratings start to slide
BaconAngel: and the execs are like
BaconAngel: "you've got to do something"
BaconAngel: and I'll be like
BaconAngel: "I KNOW JUST THE THING."
BaconAngel: the rest of the season is basically the plot to any random Gundam anime, done with minitures and/or Power Rangers style rubber suit guys
BaconAngel: and there will be French New Wave style jump-cuts everywhere
BaconAngel: one episode you think it'll just be back to regular sitcom
BaconAngel: with the standard camera
BaconAngel: but then you notice
BaconAngel: "Hey, why are they never cutting to other cameras?"
BaconAngel: and then
BaconAngel: THEN
BaconAngel: the camera rolls forward, and BAM, you realize the camera is just a POV shot of a DAMN ROBOT MONSTER
BaconAngel: the main character gets chased to the door!
BaconAngel: THE CAMERA MONSTER ROLLS RIGHT OVER THAT CHEAP SET
BaconAngel: the next half hour is a chase of utter robot horror!
BaconAngel: WHAT DO THESE POV ROBOTS WANT YOU WILL ASK
BaconAngel: and you will find out
BaconAngel: IN SEASON 2
BaconAngel: SHOW RENEWED, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

(6)
 Pseudonym: haha at work the other day, i listened to a soccer mom for 30 minutes while she rattled off film titles she liked
BaconAngel: was it chock full of titles like "Air Bud 4: Car-Drivin' Canines" and "Minivan Thriller"?

(7)
 BaconAngel: AS AN AMERICAN MALE I MUST INFORM YOU THAT I WILL NOT ATTEND A 'ROMANTIC MOVIE' UNLESS ENTICED BY THE PROMISE OF POST-MOVIE SEXUAL FAVORS BY A WOMAN WITH WHO I WOULD BE CURRENTLY INVOLVED. MY ENSUING CRITICISMS OF THE MOVIE WILL BE LIMITED TO HOW "HOT" THE MAIN FEMALE PROTAGONIST APPEARED, AND I WILL BE COY TO OTHER PEOPLE WHEN ASKED WHETHER OR NOT THE PLANNED SEXUAL FAVORS WERE CARRIED OUT.
BaconAngel: IF OTHER PEOPLE INSIST ON DISCUSSING THE MOVIE IN GREATER DEPTH, I SHALL PROPOSE EITHER TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO A MOVIE WITH MORE SEX AND/OR VIOLENCE, OR PROPOSE THE MOVIE ITSELF SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE SEX AND/OR VIOLENCE, THE FORMER DEPENDING UPON HOW "HOT" I FOUND THE MAIN FEMALE PROTAGONIST.
BaconAngel: THIS IS WHAT YOU SAY TO WOMEN, (HITHERTOFORE TO BE REFERENCED AS "CHICKS") THAT YOU DO NOT WITH TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE OVER THE COURSE OF EVER.
BaconAngel: THIS, HOWEVER, DOES NOT PREVENT IT FROM EITHER BEING THE TRUTH OR SO CLOSE TO IT YOU WOULD NEED SUBMOLECULAR HYPERBEAMS TO DISCERN THE DIFFERENCE.
BaconAngel: THE POINT BEING, CHICKS ENJOY LIES.
BaconAngel: THE END.
BaconAngel: print THAT in your "TIME MAGAZINE"!
BaconAngel: ps: I just watched a sequel to an anime romatic comedy show that turned out to be very mediocre and kind of creeped me out
BaconAngel: if you are wondering where this came from
BaconAngel: I JUST WANT TO YOU TO KNOW I REMAIN AS MANLY AS A GRIZZLY BEAR (MALE).

[On Movie Trailers]
 BaconAngel: I don't want a bunch of close ups of celebrities with overly "dramatic" lighting looking at the camera and then speaking some "quips" while some after effects text slams in to vaguely imply what the plot is
BaconAngel: I want a montage of ridiculous shit and a narrator straight up telling me more ridiculous shit is in store
BaconAngel: I want to see a movie that has a big dude that weilds a midget attached via harness to a bungee cord, so he throws the midget at some dude and the midget just fuckin' stabs the dude
BaconAngel: and the trailer narrator is just like, "MAN CHECK THIS SHIT OUT."

[On Romance]
(1)
 BaconAngel: You're one of those INGRATES
BaconAngel: DATING BEFORE MARRIAGE
BaconAngel: FOR SHAME

(2)
 BaconAngel: never tell a woman that their only 2 good points are on their chest.

(3)
 BaconAngel: nothing gets a woman hot under the collar like talking about nipples and protractors
BaconAngel: I guess just because DeBeers never came out with a commercial with those shadows on the wall involving calipers, true romance has been lost in this day and age.

(4)
 BaconAngel: I'm guessing the modern dating scene is not populated largely by hot female wizards.

(5)
 BaconAngel: Now, Alfred
BaconAngel: I know you're in love, but
BaconAngel: you know your parents will never let you marry a mermaid
Pseudonym: but they're perpetually topless
BaconAngel: so is a drug-running speedboat, as long as you're wooing sea-going vessels that will take your soul

[On Typos]
 BaconAngel: I want to make it perfectly clear that I meant "tear-jerking" and not "year-jerking" which I assume is yet another digusting practice of the calender-fetish community

[On Plans]
 BaconAngel: this is not another one a' yo hair-brained schemes is it Hannibal?
BaconAngel: cuz I told myself the last time we ended up in some godforsaken desert town on the other end of this goddamned planet that I wasn't going in for any more work of your that involves voodoo cults and the most startling nazi secret of the decade

[On Addiction]
 Pseudonym: i never thought i'd foresake sleep to look at a carpeting website
BaconAngel: YOU THOUGHT WRONG
BaconAngel: your parents used to worry
BaconAngel: when you'd find out about carpeting websites
BaconAngel: because they knew
BaconAngel: they knew

[On Technology]
(1)
 BaconAngel: and here I thought I had a good CRT (Carpet Reproduction Technology)
BaconAngel: man shit
BaconAngel: that's actually an awesome idea
BaconAngel: if you could make carpet threads
BaconAngel: that could glow and change color
BaconAngel: to make a carpet monitor
BaconAngel: IMAGINE GOOD MORNING AMERICA HOST CHARLIE GIBSON AS A REGAL TAPESTRY

(2)
 Pseudonym: there's a laser laboratory on north campus
BaconAngel: pfft
BaconAngel: that's nothing compared to the Sloan Museum LASERIOUM
BaconAngel: does that laser lab feature THE HITS OF PINK FLOYD?
BaconAngel: I DOUBT IT.
Pseudonym: FUCK PINK FLOYD
BaconAngel: I agree
BaconAngel: that is why they should be being shot with lasers.
BaconAngel: hence the superiority of LASERIUM, where lasers are free to romp around and do whatever the fuck they want
BaconAngel: you think lasers like being cooped up in the lab?
BaconAngel: hell no
BaconAngel: they want to violently dismember Pink Floyd for kicks just like you and me.
BaconAngel: next you will be saying lasers should have their own schools, their own bathrooms.
BaconAngel: well you know what?
BaconAngel: I think you should go to your own school and poop in your own bathroom, how do you like that?
BaconAngel: no more freebie pooping where you please, sir.

(3)
 BaconAngel: in the future there will be no contraceptives, but sperm will be given the intelligence of the average labrador retreiever. Pregnancy will be preventable merely by shouting DOWN BOY in the vicinity of your significant other's nether reigons.
BaconAngel: that is something to tell your crazy religious friends that will make them even more crazy
BaconAngel: especially if you convince them to organize protests against the science that would make it possible
BaconAngel: DOG SPERM IS A SIN AGAINST NATURE
BaconAngel: YOUR SPERM SHOULD NOT BE FETCHING YOUR SLIPPERS

[On Social Networking]
 BaconAngel: cool people aren't on facebook
BaconAngel: cool people are too busy BEATING UP SHARKS
Pseudonym: OK
Pseudonym: I JUST DIDNT JOIN FACEBOOK BECAUSE I HATED ALL OF THE BORING PIECES OF SHIT ON THERE
Pseudonym: AND MOST OF THEM ARE
Pseudonym: BUT YOU CAN MARKET YOURSELF A LOT EASIER IF YOU HAVE "INTERNET NETWORKS"
Pseudonym: BECAUSE BORING PEOPLE WILL SAY "OH LOOK, THAT PERSON IS DOING SOMETHING COOL AND I AM A LOSER, I WILL BUY THEIR PRODUCT"
BaconAngel: MORE LIKELY THEY WILL BE LIKE "I AM A BORING SHILL WHERE CAN I GO TO BUY BORING SHILL PRODUCTS HOT TOPIC OK."
BaconAngel: YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF RENTING ADS AT A SHARK BOXING ARENA

[On Video Games]
(1)
 BaconAngel: I would venture to say that paperboy is one of the few games that are far, far harder to play than to do what it is simulating
BaconAngel: in any other game
BaconAngel: I can kill a mllion dudes with a butter knife
BaconAngel: jump 45 feet in the air
BaconAngel: and whistle Dixie
BaconAngel: but I can not for the life of me prevent a midget scottish terrier from destroying my 10 speed

BaconAngel: YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK THE GUY PUTTING HIS PANTS ON IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS DRIVEWAY DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A PAPER
Pseudonym: i could never figure out what the fuck that guy was doing
Pseudonym: exercising?
Pseudonym: and who are those 3 people cheering for you at the end of the obstacle course?
Pseudonym: wtf?
Pseudonym: fucking PICKY subscribers too
BaconAngel: apparently paperboying is a lifestyle of high risk but high rewards
Pseudonym: they CANCEL just because they miss the paper one time? maybe if a fucking crazy woman with a rolling pin who comes after you didn't live in the fucking house, you'd deliver them the fucking paper
BaconAngel: past Tuesday they start calling him PaperMAN if you know what I mean
Pseudonym: CHAIN UP THE FUCKING DOG
Pseudonym: shit, who's this bitch on the tricycle?
BaconAngel: them paper-loving floozies want the Paperboy in their handlebar basket if you know what I mean
Pseudonym: WHO THE HELL IS IN THAT MANHOLE
Pseudonym: WHY CAN'T HE JUST KEEP THE COV ER ON
BaconAngel: these are people that have nothing better to do at 9 am than to organize their neighborhood into a hellish death course to terrorize a pre-adolescent
Pseudonym: that should be what it says on the instruction manual
BaconAngel: I think they've got enough time on their hands to call their local paper every single day about their deliveries
BaconAngel: "Yeah, I want to cancel my paper because your man bought it at checkpoint 9, aka LAWNMOWER ELIMINATOR."
BaconAngel: "HAVE A NICE DAY."
BaconAngel: "HA HA HA."
BaconAngel: *CLICK*
Pseudonym: i'm sorry, your paperboy was hit with a car. i'm cancelling my subscription, because there's no guarantee that whoever else you send to deliver my paper won't be mangled by an automobile, too.
BaconAngel: 911 just calls the paper in that town
BaconAngel: in fact, I would not be surprised if 90% of the paper's articles were about bicycle accidents
Pseudonym: what a horrible town to live in
BaconAngel: "WHAT? HIT BY A REMOTE CONTROLLED CAR?"
BaconAngel: "STOP THE PRESSES!"

Pseudonym: WOW
Pseudonym: i just beat the whole game
Pseudonym: all you get is a screen of the paper saying "paperboy retires in glory!"
BaconAngel: there'd better be a picture of the paperboy sitting on a throne of gold and crazy subscriber corpses at the end
Pseudonym: i wish
Pseudonym: it's just the same damn picture with him and his golf club or whatever he's slinging behind his back
BaconAngel: bah
BaconAngel: you are destroying my hope that finally being able to beat Paperboy is the one thing that would finally give my life meaning
Pseudonym: NOPE.
BaconAngel: now I guess my only hope is Marble Madness
Pseudonym: haha
Pseudonym: that game
Pseudonym: is HARD.
Pseudonym: oh yeah, same company right?
Pseudonym: mindscape?
BaconAngel: probably
BaconAngel: they seem to live under the motto, "Never before has the mundane been so FIENDISH!"
BaconAngel: "Let's make a game where you're putting away your groceries in the cupboard, but if you put an item in the WRONG CUPBOARD you get KILLED BY YOUR CEILING FAN."

(2)
 BaconAngel: GangDAWG457 says: "FUCK YOUR RICE!"
BaconAngel: ChowYunPHAT says: "APOLOGIZE TO THE RICE!!"
BaconAngel: INITIATE COMBAT
BaconAngel: GangDAWG has FUCKED YOUR RICE.
BaconAngel: YOUR RESTAURANT HAS DIED.
Brian: AAW! My Level 34 rice restaurant!
BaconAngel: that's what you get for making a restaurant that ONLY SERVES RICE

[On Avoiding Conflicts]
 BaconAngel: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO KILL A MAN WITH A GUN IN THE FACE
Pseudonym: HAHAHAHAHA
Pseudonym: I'M JUST BUYIN' PEANUTS
BaconAngel: I WILL TAKE ANY RISK TO GET PEANUTS

[On Fun]
 BaconAngel: what's WRONG with a BLINGIN' RAD GAME of LEAPFROG

[On Daytime Emmy's Viewer Submitted Videos]
 Pseudonym: and i can almost guarantee they would air it on national television
Pseudonym: because it doesn't have a hideous, unkempt creature bellowing nonsense unrelated to the emmys
BaconAngel: actually, that was my idea
Pseudonym: OH.
BaconAngel: I was thinking some kind of minotaur destroying a post office box or something
BaconAngel: I AM A CREATURE AT ODDS WITH THE MODERN POSTAL SYSTEM, he cries in his heart
BaconAngel: yet all anyone hears is grunts and bellows

[On Motivation]
 BaconAngel: CHEER THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE!
BaconAngel: TODAY IS THE FIRST FUCKING DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR GODDAMNED LIFE!
BaconAngel: GO OUT THERE AND MAKE IT YOUR BITCH

[On Anatomy]
 BaconAngel: you sound like a man that doesn't appreciate his patellas nearly as much as he ought.

[On Software]
 BaconAngel: THE WINDOWS SERIES SHOULD HAVE RECURRING CHARACTERS AND CLIFFHANGER ENDINGS
BaconAngel: it is the only way to keep people looking forward to the next one
BaconAngel: like a week before the next one releases, have the Freecell king head DIE A BRUTAL DEATH
BaconAngel: FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NEXT EXCITING UPGRADE
Brian: Maybe Dr. Watson is involved?
BaconAngel: WAS IT THAT DEVIOUS NORTON
BaconAngel: or perhaps Mr.AIM ICON
BaconAngel: EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT

[On Valet Parking]
 BaconAngel: TODAY I PARKED A HOVERCRAFT ON A WALL AND COULDN'T GET BACK IN
Brian: bad move bub.
BaconAngel: I ALSO FELL THROUGH THE EARTH

[On Metaphors]
 BaconAngel: that makes no sense, it's like saying I need to change the clouds into ducks if I want them to fly

[On Feif Management]
 BaconAngel: Vittles nourish prostitutes, Queen.

[On Transit]
 BaconAngel: why should I deal with the sidewalk? The sidewalk should deal with me.

[On Exhibitionism]
 BaconAngel: you know something else, don't ever draw a picture of yourself not wearing a shirt either
Grif: You did that?
Grif: Oh man...
BaconAngel: just, that was a bad fucking idea
BaconAngel: WHY DID I SAY THAT FUCK NOW SOMEBODY ELSE KNOWS
BaconAngel: well SHIT
BaconAngel: maybe I'll just go back and draw a hefty parka on top of those
BaconAngel: but I fear the damage has already been done
Grif: I'm going to your "site" to find that now so I can oogle you
BaconAngel: HOT
BaconAngel: I mean
BaconAngel: DON'T

[On Parks]
 Mr E: Today some lady wanted me to sign a petition to turn Alcatraz into a Global Peace Park
Mr E: I wanted to laugh at her but I pitied her more
BaconAngel: I don't understand how it could be global unless it was as big as the entire world
BaconAngel: which, I've been there
BaconAngel: and it's not
BaconAngel: also
Mr E: It was kind of a silly arguement on her behalf
BaconAngel: does this mean other parks not strictly under a "peace" label are inherently non-peaceful?
BaconAngel: I've never heard of a "Local Be-A-Dick-Why-Don't-Ya Park"

[On LARPing]
 BaconAngel: everyone knows the only kind of cool foam weaponry is nerf
BaconAngel: because, as they say in the bible
BaconAngel: IT'S NERF OR NOTHING.
Yosief: Nerf doesn't hurt as much as padded PVC.
Yosief: So there.
BaconAngel: Nerf doesn't make you look like a grade-A douchebag either
BaconAngel: and what kind of logic is that anyway
Yosief: Trust me, big axe guy would look even worse if his battleaxe bent upon impact.
BaconAngel: SURE I MAY LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE FUCKING RETARD BUT AT LEAST I GET HURT

[On Self-Image]
 BaconAngel: I'm sick of being the guy who sounds like he just downed some cocaine and got dumped by some skanky broad in a bar circa 1974

[On Debate]
 BaconAngel: change the subject unless you've got a counterpoint that will melt my stone-cold heart of darkness like a malformed fudgecicle in a steel refinery

[On Fashion]
 BaconAngel: this looks like something you'd wear for cushioning the blow of getting repeadedly blindsided by rampaging oxen
BaconAngel: when I hear the term experimental clothing I think of like space suits or like things with cyborg muscles, not some sort of cocoon signaling the metaphorsis of some depressing 20 something into a rather plush sofa

[On Magazines]
 BaconAngel: if you left it to me it would probably look like "Intellectual Magazine", like "Atlantic Monthly"
BaconAngel: 2 thin columns, a big red soundbyte quote, and a big ad for vodka
BaconAngel: the kind of magazine that makes you so smart, you have to drink to get yourself dumb again

[On the 10's]
 Pseudonym: The 10's are Making a Comeback!
Pseudonym: nobody ever talks about the 10's
Pseudonym: that must have been a boring decade
Pseudonym: OR
Pseudonym: a decade so secret, so mysterious, that nobody can ever mention it again
BaconAngel: well, when you're wedged between such powerhouses like "Turn of the Century Man" and "Flappers", you're bound to get lost in the shuffle

[On Edison]
 BaconAngel: The Wizard of Menlo Park was an amazing guy.
BaconAngel: It's amazing how instantly boring that phrase is
BaconAngel: I think that's what I should start talking about whenever I get into a conversation with someone who doesn't deserve to be excited.

[On Discourse]
 BaconAngel: reading this conversation is like being stuffed in a phonebooth with 1000 chiwawas on amphetemines
BaconAngel: unpleasant

[On Time Management]
 Pseudonym: man, my dilemma is this: go to the chat with Douglass J. Balonski (Alfred Newmeyer) where I can actually ask him questions (EEE!) OR go to a simultaneously scheduled Asian Pop Culture Magazine meeting where i can meet GIRL(S).
Pseudonym: but they're at the EXACT SAME DAMN TIME
BaconAngel: do both goddamit
BaconAngel: take your "swank computer" to "meeting" and be like, "you fine ladies got this new "WHY-FIE" I keep hearing about? I like to check my FAT STOCKS while cuttin' some JIB."

[On Shame]
 BaconAngel: you realize I would be obligated to commit seppukku if I did that- except that would be too honorable, so I'd have to find a more degrading way to ritualistically kill myself, such as holding a metal pole up to the electrified metal roof of a bumper car arena
Pseudonym: does that work?
BaconAngel: maybe, I can't say I've ever tried it
BaconAngel: I don't see why it wouldn't, you're completeing the circuit
BaconAngel: unless bumper cars run on magic, as I was once told by an uneducated soyfarmer from Nebraska
BaconAngel: I mean, he was right about not being able to grow jelly beans in temperate climates, so who knows.

[On Racial Equality]
 BaconAngel: I don't think Crayola does enough to indicate that black crayons and white crayons are equal.
BaconAngel: they're always wearing down black crayons immediately, without being given the respect that the white crayon unjustly recieves
BaconAngel: and "white" paper? come on. Do we want to indicate to children that white inevitable makes up the majority share, with only tiny scratches left to the black crayon?

[On Riddles]
 BaconAngel: this is like the riddle of the Sphinx except even more blatantly scatological!

[On Violence]
 BaconAngel: it should be all HARDCORE like the POWER RANGERS
BaconAngel: I remember seeing a "local news" tv commercial in which the "top story" was how "Power Rangers" was making kids deliver spine-annihilating powerbombs on tri-county area playgrounds

[On Heroes]
 BaconAngel: if everyone were hobbits, imagine how goofy superheros would look
BaconAngel: Spiderwise Gamgee
BaconAngel: FASTER THAN A SPEEDING PONY
BaconAngel: ABLE TO LEAP SMALL HILLS IN A SINGLE BOUND
BaconAngel: MORE POWERFUL THAN A 1000 BITES TO THE SHINS

[On ?]
 Brian: BaconAngel: it would be like a breast implant made of cake decoration substance

[On Furries]
 BaconAngel: JUST BECAUSE I DRAW GIANT PANDA TITS DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE GIANT PANDA TITS JEEZ GUYS
BaconAngel: ps: they're not even very good panda tits
BaconAngel: it'd be one thing if they were astounding panda tits
BaconAngel: but the fact is, they are mediocre at best panda tits

[On Anime]
 BaconAngel: either trying to apply actual human facial expressions to generic anime characters is really fucking hard, or I totally suck at drawing anime characters
Bombs: its probably really fucking hard
BaconAngel: as an experiment I tried seeing if I could make that Evangelion dude act like Orson Welles in Citizen Kane
BaconAngel: the results were pretty odd
BaconAngel: honestly the only reason I even tried is I'm trying to figure out a way to show people that insist on drawing anime that it doesn't have to be generic fucking garbage all the time
BaconAngel: unfortuntley I will probably have to make a better example than just demonstrating how to make unique fucking garbage

[On Survival Techniques]
(1)
 BaconAngel: YOU WERE DELICIOUS
BaconAngel: I'D EAT YOU AGAIN IF I COULD, SNAKE!
BaconAngel: CALL ME IF YOU GET ANOTHER BODY SOME TIME
BaconAngel: *flicks head into the grass*

(2)
 BaconAngel: MY NAME IS FOX HIBACHI
BaconAngel: I'VE SAILED EVEREST
BaconAngel: I'VE SERVED IN THE EAGLE SCOUTS
BaconAngel: NOW I'M BEING DROPPED INTO THE HOTTEST CLIMATE ON EARTH:
BaconAngel: THE SUN
BaconAngel: I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU WHAT YOU'LL NEED TO SURVIVE

[On Oppression]
BaconAngel:when they come for you, they will not have to come for you with shackles, batons, or guns. They will not have to order you down with an army, nor will they have to try to convince you they came to do what's best.
Pseudonym: >:{
BaconAngel:No, they'll just kill you with a FUCKING DOLPHIN
BaconAngel:http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2007-02-13-dolphin-defenders_x.htm
BaconAngel:oh sure, they say they're not training them for war
BaconAngel:yeah right
BaconAngel:I suppose they gave them guns just for "strictly peacekeeping purposes", too
Pseudonym: yup
Pseudonym: when you see war appear, YOU SHOOT IT IN THE HEAD
BaconAngel:it is only a matter of time before they become self-aware like Skynet and take over
BaconAngel:when the war is through
BaconAngel:they will congratulate themselves with movies about bold leaders like Flippers S. McFin, leader of the "Terror From Below" squadron
BaconAngel:who took over Quebec City with his ramshakle fleet of nuclear above-mersibles.
BaconAngel:man
BaconAngel:there has to be someone dumb enough to give me money for that idea
BaconAngel:there's more plot, drama and action in those few sentences than there has been in untold seasons of Oprah.
Pseudonym: HAHA
BaconAngel:oh you laugh now
BaconAngel:but when I am lying in a heroin-induced stupor in my Scrooge McDuck-esque vault
Pseudonym: HAHAH
Pseudonym: YES
BaconAngel:we'll see who will be laughing
BaconAngel:although
BaconAngel:it will probably be you
Pseudonym: i'm laughing pretty hard right now actually
BaconAngel:because I'll probably be puking or otherwise hemmoraging something
Pseudonym: no, i'm not a duck.
BaconAngel:THE POLYGRAPH SAYS OTHERWISE
BaconAngel:BECAUSE I WROTE "OTHERWISE" ON THE SIDE WITH A SHARPIE